Happy Birthday Dad!

Today is my Dad's 75th birthday, and even though physically he's no longer with us, I can feel him all around me today. I figured I'd post part of the eulogy I gave at my dad's memorial service just to give you all an idea of what a great Father he was...we wish you were here to blow out the candles today.


A jingling pocket,
A whiskery kiss.
And hundreds of answers
to “Daddy, what’s this?”
A spot on his lap
for his sweet little miss.
A buddy for life...
That’s my Dad.

A hand on my shoulder.
Some help with a class.
A heart-to-heart talk.
And money for gas.
In difficult times,
A “This, too, will pass.”
An anchor of strength...
That’s my Dad.

A door open wide.
A welcoming smile.
A cheerful embrace
and a “Please stay awhile.”
A love that has followed me
mile after mile.
The feeling of home...
That’s my Dad.

How do you come to terms with the loss of your beloved father? How do you find happiness again? How do you move forward despite your aching heart, emptiness and sadness? It's like I'm in the midst of a nightmare that doesn't disappear when I wake up. I desperately want to find peace within myself about my father's death. I want my faith to reassure me that my Dad is still with me in spirit. I think if I take this time to share the kind of man my Dad was, we might all feel like he is still very much alive.

So many words come to mind when I think of my Dad, but the few that stand out are strong, nurturing, funny, brave and honest...he was a person of devotion and integrity, a man who understood a hard day’s work.

I truly believe that my Dad’s greatest accomplishment in life was his family. My father poured vast amounts of love and energy into our family. He was a devoted husband to our Mom for over 50 years...50 YEARS!! They were partners in crime, and I can often remember sneaking downstairs and “catching” them snuggled up on the couch like two teenagers.

He was a nurturing Dad. He loved us with the passion and the devotion that encompassed his life. He taught us to believe in ourselves, to stand up for ourselves, to know ourselves and to accept responsibility for ourselves.

We knew we were the luckiest kids in the world. And we had done nothing to actually deserve it. It was instead something that we would have to spend the rest of our lives working very hard to live up to. He gave us a lot of tools. We were taught to take nothing for granted. He doted on us but didn't indulge. He had infinite patience with us. He encouraged us to push ourselves, to test limits, to challenge anyone and anything. There were certain basic principles that could never be compromised.

He taught us how to be loving, responsible adults but he also taught us how to have fun. He was a man of few words, but I can remember him taking my hand as a little girl and walking on the beach with me. I can remember when he taught me how to drive a stick because my Mom was too terrified to get in the car with me. I can remember seeking out my father in the sea of parents on my high school graduation day and seeing the pride in his eyes, and I can remember him whispering words of encouragement to me as he wiped my tears away on my wedding day.

He was a loving Pop-Pop and Great Poppy. His grandchildren and great-grandchildren completed him. My Dad just swelled with pride when someone asked him about them. He celebrated when you each took your first steps, lost your first tooth, and had your first day of Kindergarten. He was there for countless basketball, football and soccer games. Always there to cheer on his Grandkids. He was there answering life’s questions for you, and putting his arms around you when you needed a hug. I can remember the day of my Nana’s funeral. I can remember seeing my Dad’s heart breaking as he said good-bye and I can remember my niece’s and nephew’s taking to my Dad like a magnet. I know it was so hard for them to see him in so much pain, and they were returning the favor and comforting him as he had always done them.

He was a devoted Son and proud brother.

In January of 2007 my Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. There's no doubt that these past seventeen months, which have been excruciating for my father and for his family and friends, have been for a reason. To me, the Lord wanted to give us all a transition period from life with this wonderful man to life without him. It was a tough road...tough for him to experience, and tough for us to watch.

The fact that he fought so hard right until the end did not surprise anyone who knew him. Seemingly everyday there was something new staring him right in the face, and he stared right back. He didn't ever say, "Why me," or question and complain about the many tests he had to endure or the many medications he had to take. Instead he faced it head on...he knew this was his reality.

He bore the disease in dignity, but it also greatly saddened and frustrated him. He had always been an active man, who took full responsibility and dove into action whenever action was required. For him to have to give in and let others do the work that he wanted to do, merely because a horrible disease was ravaging his body was almost more than he could bear. Even on his death bed, when his family came to see him, on more than one occasion, he would struggle to wake up and "join the party" even though his body wouldn't let him do it.

So you see, the reason I love my Dad is because I am my father’s daughter. What I am is because of him and that is the greatest gift anyone can bestow upon another person, particularly their child. I hope that when my time comes, I am half as loved by my friends and family as he was by his. Because if that is how I am remembered, just like my father, mine will have been a life worth living. All of us here are suffering from the loss of my Dad, but the world will also now suffer from the loss of a great man who had much more to do on this earth. If I could see my Dad one more time, I would tell him that I love him, that I am so proud of the life he led, and I will keep him in my heart always.

So many rich memories
and words of advice.
Unwavering love
and immense sacrifice.
The great guy who makes it
so easy and nice
to point to with pride...
That’s my Dad.

That's what Christmas is all about...

In "A Charlie Brown Christmas" Charlie Brown asks: "Isn't there anyone out there who can tell me what Christmas is all about?"

Linus steps up and says:

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the lord shone round about them, and they were so afraid. And the angel said unto them, fear not, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you this day is born in the City of David, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; you shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men'."

"That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."



That's my favorite part of A Charlie Brown Christmas, when Linus quotes Luke, chapter two from the Bible. I hope you all have a wonderfully blessed Christmas filled with all your favorite things. In spite of everything else we're dealing with at the moment, I feel so blessed and am so thankful for all of you out there, who even while dealing with your own struggles, take the time out to hold me up.

I am not in control...

Settle in because this is a long one...

No matter how much I'd like to think I am, the truth is that I'm not. In fact, not even my wonderful RE and nurse are in control. It's tough coming to grips with that. It's even harder letting go and putting all my trust in someone I've never even met yet...well, face to face anyway.

I'll get all the crappy news out of the way first. Our cycle was cancelled yesterday. Yes, my friends. My body just can't seem to do anything right. Well, that's what I kept telling myself on the drive home from the RE's office yesterday morning. I admit I was a sobbing, runny nosed, hiccuping mess. You know the kind of hiccups you get when you're crying so hard...yep, I had them. Through my tears I cursed my body and I cursed the doctor's who over-stimmed me. I raised an angry fist to the Heavens and screamed "why me"? I had a real pity party for myself. It was quite pathetic.

Here's the dirt, after responding beautifully for six days, and producing the most perfect follies I've ever seen (IMO anyway), the dummies over-stimmed me. I had a perfect, almost 18mm follie on Friday, and by the time yesterday morning arrived, I had two follies at 20mm and two at 19mm, along with two other's at 16mm. Way too many to proceed with the IUI's. In fact, the doctor looked at me and said that the main thing to do this month was NOT get pregnant...the risk of multiples was just too high and if I did by some miracle get pregnant, then "we'd" have to talk about selective reduction. Um, excuse me, but that would NEVER be an option for me. Anywho, after giving him a right piece of my mind and letting the tears flow, I just sat there stunned. The whole reason we're going there IS TO GET PREGNANT! I've become a human pin cushion, taken more drugs in the past two months than I have in the last ten years, had almost every day dates with the "magic wand", and now you're telling me that just because I've produced too many eggs that this month is a bust? Waiting another month, to them, is nothing. But to us "infertiles" who live our lives in two weeks increments, a month seems like a lifetime. So, I got dressed and got the heck out of there. The nurse called later, and I somehow missed her call. She left a message telling me that the doctor wanted to prescribe me Prometrium to bring on my period and that we could start a new cycle right away. And then it hit me....

Who's really in control here? Me? Them?

The answer is....neither. I prayed so hard yesterday. I prayed for guidance, answers, anything. I was scared, confused and felt so alone. I needed something, but what? So, I got myself ready and went to church. Now, I haven't been to church since Dad's memorial in August. And I haven't been to Mass in, oh geez, probably ten years. I got a very bitter taste in my mouth about the Catholic church after my divorce. Oh wait, you guys don't know about that. Yes, I was married before...long story short, I suffered through four and a half years of living hell with an emotionally abusive husband. Anyway, ever since then Church and me haven't been on the best of terms. I mean, I don't really need to go to Church to talk to God, right? I can do that in my own home, or in my car or wherever. So I went. I went looking for that something. And I found it...I found my peace and then I realized that God is in control. There are reasons for everything, and maybe, just maybe this was my something. So I let it all go and I'm letting God make the decisions. Yes, we're upset that this cycle to "them" was a bust, but to us it's not. I'm NOT taking the Prometrium and A and I are trying for our miracle the old-fashioned way this month. Any maybe, just maybe it will happen. But if it doesn't, I'm okay with that too. Because I've let it go and I'm letting God take the reins.

"'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
(Mark 9:23).

A letter from Jesus...

I received the below in an email from my Aunt and it really hit home...I hope you all enjoy it, as it helps to remind us all what Christmas is really about.

Dear Children,

It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't actually born during this time of the year, and that it was some of your predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on what was actually a time of pagan festival. Although I do appreciate being remembered anytime.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own.. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Now, having said that, let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish: I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one, look up John 15:1-8.

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it:

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.

3. Instead of writing George complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up. It will be nice hearing from you again.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.

5. Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her .

6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.

7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families

8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary-- especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name.

9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.

10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions (rather than your words) that you are one of mine.

Don't forget; I am Jesus and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love and remember:

I LOVE YOU,
JESUS

At a loss for words...

dis⋅ap⋅point⋅ed  [dis-uh-poin-tid]
–adjective
1. depressed or discouraged by the failure of one's hopes or expectations; thwarted in hope, desire or expectation; let down.
2. Obsolete. inadequately appointed; ill-equipped.

AF arrived early this morning...four days early. :::sigh::: I didn't even make it to my beta draw on S.unday. And even though I had a gut feeling that the I.UI's didn't work, the disappointment and sadness I'm feeling today don't make it any easier. I know that it's beyond my control, but I still feel like such a failure...ill-equipped. My body, even paired up with all the advances of modern medicine, still can't give me what I want. I know, I know, God has a bigger plan for us, it's in His hands, I need to give it up to Him. All the sentiments I tell everyone else are echoing in my head. I know I need to do all these things and trust in Him, but for today, I'm just going to deal with my broken heart.

For all of my friends out there that are patiently waiting on their own miracle, please know that I'm praying for you.

Breathe in, breathe out...

Yet again, I find myslef slacking in the world of blogging. I'm not sure why? Perhaps I could blame it on my crazy work schedule or the busyness of the upcoming holiday. Or the fact that it just never seems like there's enough hours in the day to get all the things done that I want or need to do. It seems like my life right now is similar to hair washing, lather, rinse, repeat. The truth is that I just really don't have much to say. No updates, nothing much to share....I'm (im)patiently waiting for S.unday to get here so that I can go have my bloodwork done and see if this cycle worked. I don't feel any different, except for the fact that I've had very sensitive/painful breasts this cycle, but I ususally get that before AF anyway. I struggle with conflicting emotions every day...feeling positive that the I.UI's worked one minute and then positive that they didn't the next. For some reason I really don't feel too optimistic that they did. I don't know, maybe it's just the holiday blues. I'm still saying my daily novena to St. Therese in the hopes that she sends me my shower of roses.


Sending out hugs and prayers for those of you that are expecting a Christmas miracle...I hope we all get what we're wishing for!

"Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed for the Lord thy God is with thee."
(Joshua 1:9).

Being thankful...

Let's not forget, especially with Than.ksgiving only a day away, all that we have to be thankful for! So often we do forget what it's really all about. Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask you to give up any of your prized Than.ksgiving traditions. Go ahead and watch the parade and the games. Drive several hours to Grandma’s house and back. Eat way too much turkey. Take a long nap. Or whatever. These are all great and fun traditions...

But I am going to ask you not to forget the heart of Than.ksgiving. In fact, I want to encourage you to let Than.ksgiving be more than just a day. Why not take time this whole week to remember God’s blessings? If your Than.ksgiving Day is already full with family, then set aside some time on the day before or the day after to remember all that God has given, and to say “Thank you.” Better yet, do this for several minutes each day this week. If you do, not only will you be doing the right thing, since God deserves thanks for all he has done for you, but also you'll find that your celebration of Thanksgiving is richer and fuller than you have ever imagined it could be.

Expressing our heartfelt gratitude to God is one of life’s greatest joys. It’s a joy that many of us rarely experience, and it is the true heart of Than.ksgiving. So let me invite you – yes, urge you – to take time this week for real expression of gratitude to God. You’ll be glad you did!

I hope everyone has a blessed Than.ksgiving...we all have a lot to be thankful for!

"In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God." (Thessalonians 5:18).

Making progress...

Yes, I've been the slacking blogger. Work has been kicking my butt the last week and a half, and with the upcoming holiday, I'm trying to tie up all my loose ends here so that I can start it early!!

Anyway, LOTS of updates...I got my meds last Tuesday, AF finally arrived on Wednesday and I had my CD3 blood work and ultrasound on Friday. I have to say that having an ultrasound on day three is NOT something I'd like to repeat anytime soon...blech! Our nurse called Friday afternoon with good results and I started my injections that night!! And remember how I was saying how terrified I was of the needles?

Yeah, it was nothing!! I have to be honest and say that I was totally hyperventilating prior to the "stick", but I didn't even feel it! It actually hurt worse taking off the little band-aid the next morning. So, now I'm a pro! Haha! I go in tomorrow morning for more b/w and another ultrasound (hopefully the little eggs are growing!!)and we'll go from there. I'm thinking we'll probably be doing the IUI's around the end of next week, although I guess it depends on how well the meds are working. Either way, I'm just thankful to God that we've been given this opportunity to try to become parents.

Butterflies...

With our upcoming IUI literally just around the corner, I'm really starting to feel apprehensive. I really, really want CD1 to get here, and yet I'm just so darn terrified of giving myself those shots, of not having it work and ultimately having to move onto IV.F. Ahhh! I'm trying to find comfort where I can, and what better place to put all my fears, then in the hands of God? I know that there is a reason He has put the IF "speed bump" in our path...I call it that because I have faith that we will get over it. I know that the plans He has for our family are greater than I could ever imagine. I know He only gives the difficult paths to those He knows can travel them. I know HE is always in charge, as much as we'd like to think WE are!

I came across a few inspirations this week...



And I've started saying this prayer daily, along with my St. Therese novena...


I'm clinging to them like Linus clings to his security blanket. God is my security blanket, and as long as I trust in Him, all things are possible!

"Therefore, I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them."
(Mark 11:24)".

Cautiously optimistic...

that is how I've found myself feeling since November started. We've been TTC for over 18 months now, infertility has become a huge part of our lives, and we're getting ready to take the first scientific step in trying to become pregnant. I'm scared out of my wits that this might actually happen, and praising God at the same time!! If it is God's will, because let's face it, it really is ALL up to him whether we become parents or not, we could be expecting a baby in August 2009...WOW!!! It just seems so surreal!

We got our IUI packet on Saturday that contained our cycle instructions, information for the on-line medication teaching for the injectables, a medication teaching booklet and consent forms which have to be either signed at our facility, or in front of a Notary Public. It's quite overwhelming and I'm more than nervous about the injections, but I'm going to sit down tonight with A and read through everything. I know if I/we have any questions or concerns, I can always call our nurse and she'll walk me through everything...she's awesome! I've also been saying my daily novena to St. T.herese...we can use all the help we can get!!

A Letter to My Sisters

I read this post a while ago on Andrea's blog and thought it was fitting to share with my fellow IF sisters...

Infertility is like a party- a big, year or two long party that no one really wants to go to. In fact, it is a pretty lousy party, not much fun at all. But by the time you get the invitation, you are already there. Perhaps it is your doctor that gives you the invitation, or a specialist, or perhaps just plain old time that gives you the nudge that this is one party you won’t be missing.

So we all show up at this party kicking and screaming. But since this party is held in our honor, we wipe our tears and look around the room. We see our mothers, our aunts, our sisters, and the lady down the street. The check-out lady is there, and so is the attorney, the school principal, and the taxi driver’s wife. When we see them at first we are surprised- “I didn’t know you were invited too…” we say. But when we start to talk with them and learn their stories we know instantly we are sisters, and that their grief is our own, and that we aren’t quite so alone.

This party is filled with sisters. My mother and perhaps yours too, was at this party once. So were many friends of mine. I am always humbled by seeing how many sisters I have here. Even as sisters leave, new ones come to take their place. I spent a long, long time there before it was my turn to leave. You too will leave this party someday.

There are parting gifts at this party, but most of us are so glad to leave when our time is up that we just throw them in our purse and forget they are there. Then one day, while we are looking for something else, we dig out a little box. Oh yes, our gift. We were looking for what to say to a sick friend, or perhaps how to handle some adversity that came our way and we found this little box in the bottom of our bag. We open it slowly, and there inside we find it. Endurance. Strength. Compassion. We were strong, and once walked through the fire she has made us stronger still. We have endured what would have once broken our hearts, devastated us, and come through with a strength that will not easily be silenced. And compassion. Our hearts have grown and now we can, without judgment, embrace each other in ways we couldn’t before. We know the true meaning of kindness, and the value of compassion. We see humanity, for all it’s sadness and all it’s emptiness, and we can’t do anything but wrap our arms around her in a warm, full embrace. We understand each other’s sorrow, and we share our strength.

And so My Sister, stay strong. I understand how hard some days are, and I know how deeply you want this to end. Please know that it will, and that you do have the strength to endure this. You will. You will move forward because you desire this more than anything in your life. You will conceive, or you will adopt, or you will foster children. You will someday leave this place, this party in your honor, but you will remain a Sister forever.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."(Isaiah 41:10)".

Just a little pinch...

Yep, that's what the Dr. said prior to her (TMI ahead) clamping my cervix, where I in turn almost leapt off the table! UGH!! To be honest, that was really the worst part of the whole procedure. I did have some pretty intense cramping as she was inserting the catheter and dye, but it only last for about a minute and the Dr. and the nurse were so awesome! Dr. R was super gentle, and she explained everything as she went along. The good news is that both my tubes are clear!!!! To say I'm relieved is an understatement, and I praised God right there on the table for answering my prayers!! The clamping, cramping and tiny bit of spotting afterwards was well worth the peace of mind this test has given us. Now we're just praying that A's third SA shows some improvement...oh yeah, and that we have a successful IUI this month! Sheesh, can it be that I'm actually feeling a little optimistic this month?!?!

He's here, he's here!!!!

Baby Stellan arrived beautiful and healthy yesterday morning!!! What an awesome gift from an awesome God!!! Praise our heavenly Father above for healing Stellan...he truly does work miracles!! Check out MckMama's blog for the whole story and some amazing pics of Baby Stellan!!!

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him." (Psalm 28:7)".

When your hut's on fire...

One of my very good friends sent this to me this morning in an email...it couldn't have come at a better time. Hopefully by sharing it, I'll help someone else know what to do when their hut is on fire.



The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?" Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

You like me, you really do!!

Nine over at Nine Months graciously bestowed upon me the "I {heart} Your Blog Award". I am truly honored...thanks so much!!



There are so many wonderful blogs out there and choosing only seven is so difficult. To those I have left out, I hope you understand.

The Rules:

1. The winner can put the logo on his/her blog
2. Link the person you received your award from
3. Nominate at least seven other blogs
4. Put links of those blogs on yours, and
5. Leave a message on the blogs that you've nominated

With that being said, I in turn, am handing out this award to the following ladies responsible for these amazing blogs:

I Wonder If They Will Have His Eyes.....
Love, Pain & The Whole Crazy Thing
My TTC Journey and More
Bill, Miss and Brood
...Into the Womb
I can't stop the rain...
Thoughts from the mind of MayDayGirl...

Thanks for being so supportive and such a comfort to others, even as you've walked your own difficult paths!

Results...and a punch in the stomach

Yeah, well, our nurse from the RE's office called with the results of my CD3 b/w and hubby's repeat SA on Friday afternoon as I was getting my nails done...wonderful timing! All I can say is all is not well. Apparently my FSH level is 13, and A's morphology and motility were horrendous. The FSH level has me extremely concerned, being that I'm only 33. The nurse said that my Dr. was concerned as well, and will probably only attempt one IUI/injectables cycle and then move right to IVF. And we're both so confused about A's results...it was only a little over a month ago that he was tested and everything looked great. We're praying so hard that it was just a fluke, but needless to say we're both heartbroken. I know that we still have a chance of conceiving and having a successfull pregnancy, but we're just so sad. Why can't we just be "normal" like everyone else? Why does it have to be so hard for us, and so easy for others? A has to repeat his SA in two weeks, and I'm going to talk to our nurse about repeating the CD3 b/w my next cycle. I have my HSG scheduled for Friday, so hopefully that goes smoothly and there aren't any problems with my tubes. The "why me's?" are just eating me up though...and I'm terrified of having to possibly go the IVF route.

Then, the punch in the stomach came Sunday during dinner at my brother's...my niece is pregnant with her second, due in early June. Seriously, if I could have just melted into the floorboards and disappeared I would have. What made it even worse was that A was home sick, so I was there by myself. I was so tempted to call him to have him come and pick me up. I don't know why, but part of me felt so betrayed. What made me feel like an even bigger jerk was that I couldn't even bring myself to congratulate them. I am so very happy for them, but their great news just couldn't have come at a worse time. I'm really just having such a difficult time dealing with all this right now, and finding it very hard to stay positive and keep faith that God has bigger plans for us. I know in my heart that things could be alot worse, and that we should be thankful for only having these small problems, but it's consuming me. I'm praying so hard for strength, for positivity and for God to continue to watch over us. I pray that the medical world continues to make strides with IF, and I pray for all my fellow ladies out there who are dealing with some form of inferti.lity or a loss. I'm trying to remember that when the road seems toughest, we can lay our burdens on our Father and he will carry them for us.

Remembering...

my Dad. Today marks two months since we lost my Dad. Of course, some days are better than others, but today is just such a sad day for me. I know that I'm not alone in my grief. My parents would have celebrated their 52nd wedding anniversary on Monday...52 years!! I can only wish that God allows me half of that with A. I just miss him so much today. The feelings kind of hit me out of nowhere as I looked at the calendar. Add that to the fact that I'm on hormone overload with AF, dreading my blood work tomorrow a.m. (I HATE needles!!) and am terrified of my impending HSG next week. I'm just a mess! Anyway, if you could send up some prayers for us today it would be greatly appreciated. I'm really trying to keep it together...

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted" (Matthew 5:4)".

Introducing....

little Miss Skyler Quinn!!! I know, I know, I'm completely late in posting this as she made her grand entrance on October 3rd, but she is a little doll!! Congratulations to my beautiful niece Kasey & Ed, and thanks for making me a Great Auntie again!


We love you so much baby girl!!

The Secret is in the Sauce!!

I recently stumbled upon an awesome blog created by Heather and Tiffany called "The Secret is in the Sauce". SITS (as it's affectionatley referred to) was created as a way for bloggers to get exposure and connect with other bloggers through comments, love and support. Please check them out and sign up to support your fellow SITStas!!!

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Happy Thursday!!

Well, we've been diagnosed...

I know, I know, our appt. was last Wedn.esday, but work has been literally kicking my butt!! Anyway, our "official" diagnosis as of right now is "Infertility of Unspecified Origin". Broken down that pretty much means that they have no idea why we haven't be able to conceive again. Our appt. was really enlightening though. We love our doctor and are extremely optimistic that they will be able to get us pregnant.

A has to repeat his SA because his WBC was a little high. They put him on antibiotics for ten days, after which he'll make another deposit and also get his blood work completed. All his other numbers were perfect, praise God! I also had my very first visit with the "wand". He did an ultrasound of my uterus and found some fibroids...nothing serious. Very small and also very common. I got to see that my ovaries had apparently been working overtime and I had a huge egg that was ready to burst! It was actually pretty cool!! At least my body is doing something right!! He showed me the catheter that they use for the IUI (so tiny!), and measured my cervix which was a little uncomfortable...just a little cramping when they inserted it, but nothing I can't handle. So, now I just have to schedule my CD3 b/w and schedule my HSG.

Soooo, once all that is completed we'll be gearing up for our first IUI!!! Because my Mom started showing symptoms of menopause at age 33 (yeah, crazy right!!), we'll be skipping the Clo.mid and going right to either G.onal F or Folli.stim, with an Ovi.drel trigger the day before the IUI. We'll also be doing a two day IUI to better our chances of conceiving. Then b/w @ 15dpiui and hopefully a BFP! Seriously, this is the first time in so long that I've felt so optimistic about getting pregnant! What a wonderful feeling! Hopefully it will last!!

"God will not permit any troubles to come upon us, unless He has a specific plan by which great blessings can come out of the difficulty.".

10.15.08 Take Action!!!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Take Action
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce it's incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.
GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."
GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

All's quiet...

Not much to report on...finally got our paperwork sent back out to the RE last Friday (thanks Hubby!). They're supposed to call us to confirm everything, so hopefully I didn't miss filling anything in (although I'm sure I forgot to put in A's SSN# somewhere)...does anyone know why they even need that info (?), and I couldn't for the life of me remember my blood type and of course couldn't find my little card from when I last donated! Ugh! I'm honestly surprised that they neglected to ask me for my shoe size, since it seems like they asked for everything else!

Anyway, as I was fulfilling my daily addiction to P.eople.com, I found this oh so interesting article which really burned my biscuits to say the least...take a peek if you've got a minute to spare.

And lastly I just wanted to say thanks to those ladies who offered up prayers and kind words on my last post. As so many of you know, dealing with IF can really bring you down. Even though "we" all know we're not alone going through it, sometimes the reality of it all just eats us up and makes us feel like we're the only ones. Some days staying positive just isn't an option. You guys really made re-group and look at all the positive things that have come out of this journey so far, and I really appreciate that...thanks!

"May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully for what you have done." (Ruth 2:12).

I'd like some cheese with my whine...

Well, we missed it. Our last chance to make a baby on our own. I feel like such a failure. What is wrong with my body? Why can't I just.get.pregnant?!?! We put our all into it every month and nothing.

I held off as long as I could filling out the paperwork for the RE consult we have on October 8th...it should have been sent in on Tuesday...I still haven't finished it. I really thought that maybe by some slim chance that this would have been our month. Who was I kidding? I guess I should be happy that we at least have some kind of plan in motion, but I could just cry. It's been 17 MONTHS...1 YEAR and 5 MONTHS!!! Life's certainly not fair and I'm just so done.

Forward movement...

Well, A had his SA last Monday and we've gotten the results...although I really don't have any idea what they mean. Our PCP said that everything was normal, and when I G.oogled "normal SA results" I couldn't really understand those either when comparing them to A's. If there's someone out there who can shed some light on what these numbers mean, and if they really are "normal", please help!

Volume 2.0ML
Viscosity Normal
PH(Semen) 8.5
Progressive Motil 60%
Sperm Concentration 33.0
WBC 7 to 10
% Normal Morphology 25%
Specimen Temperature 22.0 Celsius

In other news, I also had my appt. with my new Ob/Gyn last Tuesday, and let me just say that I absolutely love her!! I had my annual, got refills for my PNV's and she referred us to an RE...yup, finally a plan is in motion! We have our initial consultation on 10/8. I got the packet of paperwork in the mail yesterday that needs to be filled out prior to our appt. and HOLY COW!! I think the only thing they didn't ask me was my shoe size! I am just so happy that A is on board with everything. It's actually quite amazing to think that if everything goes as planned, we just might be PG by the end of 2008! I'm keeping everything crossed and thanking God every day for taking our hands and leading us down this road. I know that with Him anything is possible!

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him."
(Psalms 28:6-7).

Remembering...7 years ago today

I remember exactly where I was, what I was doing...even what I was wearing. I'm still finding it hard to believe that it's been SEVEN years already since our country was attacked on September 11, 2001.

Where does the time go?

I know so many of us are still grieving for loved one's lost in the attacks. It literally brings me to my knees when I think about all the innocent lives lost, and all those that were/have been/are being affected still by our nation's tragedy.

I will go down on bended knees tonight to pray for comfort for all those that are still grieving...to pray for our brave soldiers that are still fighting the fight over sea's. I have never been prouder to be an AMERICAN and I WILL NEVER FORGET!!!

Making some headway...

on the TTC front. I know I said a few weeks ago that A was finally able to schedule his SA. Unfortunately, with all that was going on with Dad at the time and a few other unforeseen circumstances, we weren't able to keep the apt. Well, A was able to reschedule it for Monday morning!!!

If you can spare them, please send up some prayers for us that we get back good numbers. I am trying to stay positive that all is well. I have an apt. with my new ObGyn on Tuesday, so hopefully we can finally get this ball rolling!! After all, it's only been 16 MONTHS!!!

Back to reality

Tuesday...only three days left. I can't believe it's already been a week and three days since Dad passed away.

Last week was a long, draining week and I'm so glad it's over. Saturday was Dad's memorial service, and everything went beautifully! The weather held out, the flowers were lovely, the bagpiper piped and my Mom received my Dad's American flag for his service in the Korean War. I, along with my brother, was actually able to get up and give a eulogy and there wasn't a dry eye in the church (including my own!). The re passe' afterwards was wonderful, and we were all so touched to see how many people were there for us. It was a wonderful tribute to my Dad! It was a long day but the hard work was well worth it...after all, it was for my Dad.

Now it's back to reality...and moving on. Not forgetting my Dad, but learning how to live life again. Mourning for a beautiful life lost, but celebrating Dad's homecoming with our Lord and the rest of our family. What a welcome I know he had, and what a comfort it is to my to know that I'll forever have my Dad watching out for me until we meet again.

I just want to thank all of our family and friends, both IRL and who read my blog for your prayers, support and kind words. It means so much to my family and myself to know that we have such a wonderful support system out there.

And a thank you to my Dad...for being such a wonderful man, for being my rock, for being my friend.

I love you Dad and always will!! Until we meet again...I'll be swinging those clubs for you! XOXO

We've lost a great man...

my Dad. The man who dried my tears, picked me up when I was down, kissed my cheeks and taught me to be the person I am today. I can't get my head around it and don't have many words. I can't possibly convey to anyone what a great man my Dad was...it's impossible. He was a Son, a Brother, a Husband, a Dad, a Pop-Pop and a Great Poppy. He was devoted to his family, his God; a man that words fall short of describing. I was lucky enough to have been raised by the man and was blessed to have him in my life for thirty-three years, but it was still to short.

I know that God welcomed him with open arms. I know that he's not suffering anymore...there is no more pain. Life and death are such a double-edged sword. For my Dad, I just couldn't bear to say good-bye, and yet I knew in my heart that it was the only way for him to find peace. He is with our Heavenly father now, not confined to a bed any longer, but walking tall with a smile on his face. I know that someday my Dad will be there to welcome me and I can't wait to feel his arms around me again.


I don't know who's reading this blog...if any one's reading at all, but if you are and you feel so inclined to send up a thought or prayer for this wonderful man, I thank you and my family thanks you from the bottom of our hearts.

Rest in Peace Daddy...we miss you so much. You'll forever be in our hearts.

"God watched you as you suffered,

and knew you had your share.

He gently closed your weary eyes

and took you in his care.
Your memory is our keepsake,

with that we will never part.

God has you in his keeping,

we have you in our hearts.
Nothing could be more beautiful

than the memories we have of you.

To us you were someone special.

God must have thought so too.
All our lives we shall miss you,

as the years they come and go,

but in our hearts you will live forever.

Because we love you so.
God saw you were getting tired,

and a cure was not to be.

So he put his arms around you

and whispered "Come with me"
With tearful eyes we watched you

suffer and fade away.

Although we loved you dearly,

you were not meant to stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,

hard- working hands to rest.

God broke our hearts to prove to us,

He only takes the best!"

A picnic might help...

Thank goodness the weekend is finally here! It's going to be a fairly busy one with my daily trips to see Dad and A's big 3-2 coming up! I bought tickets for us to go to the P.G.A Tour a while ago...the tournament is called T.he B.arclay's and since it's supposed to be a gorgeous day here in the J.ersey tomorrow, I know we'll have a great time!

So, along with that, I was thinking what else could we do for some fun today? You know, something a little different that doesn't cost tons of money? A's working a 1/2 day, coming home around lunch time, so what's better that an afternoon picnic? I figured we could pack up the backpack with some goodies and possibly a bottle of wine and get going! Out of the house and into the fresh air! So, that's what we'll be doing today. There are quite a few walking trails around here, so it's just a matter of figuring out where we want to go. I'm even going to take my camera along to hopefully get some good shots while we're out on our adventure!

Here's wishing you all a blessed weekend, and hoping that you all make the effort to spend some time with the one's you love...I know I will!

In times of need this always helps...

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Doh!

I almost forgot...some news on the TTC front...A was finally able to schedule his SA!! They were actually able to squeeze him in TODAY!! Very exciting, and my only bright light at the end of the tunnel right now. I'm keeping everything crossed that we get good results!!

Choking on reality...

Wow, it's already been over a week since my last post; honestly, where does the time go? Lot's of stuff going on...Dad was put back into Hospice last Monday to have his medication re-evaluated. We ran into some speed bumps over the weekend, where it seemed the medicine was just not working for him the way it had been and his Hospice nurse decided that it would be best for him. He was there for 36 hours, in which time we scrambled to find a nursing home for him. We (my brother, sister & Mom) came to grips with the fact that even though we had the aide's 12 hours a day, it was just too much for us...emotionally and physically. The hardest thing we had to do was stand there and tell him that he wasn't able to come home. His only wish and we weren't able to fulfill it. I feel like a crappy daughter. I feel like I let him down.

Friday, his first day there was a nightmare, and it's just progressively gotten worse since then. He wound up pitching himself out of his wheelchair and taking a header on the floor. A few bumps and bruises, but when you're already dealing with Stage Five Parkinson's (and skin cancer), that's the last thing you need. I went to see him after work last night and almost lost my lunch. I just can't digest the fact that he's laying there, a shell of the man I grew up with. This is the man who used to flip me around with the greatest of ease, and now he can't even walk. I'm literally choking on the reality of it, and just don't know how much more I can take. I'm trying to stay strong and not question what our Lord has planned for my Dad, but it's so hard. It's hard to see a disease eating away at him and not be able to do anything about it. I can't help but question, why?? Why my Dad? He's a good man, a great Dad and Pop Pop, a God fearing man and this is the card he gets dealt? It's just not fair...and I'm really choking on that.

Prayers please if you can spare them...for both him and us.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

When did I become the parent?

So, as most of you know my Dad came home from Hospice a week ago today to much celebrating...we, meaning my brother and sister, knew we had a very bumpy road ahead of us. However, I never thought it would actually be this hard!

A little background...when my Dad was put into the hospital mid-stroke, my Mom pretty much fell apart. I'm not talking about a little bit, I'm talking about a full on, I'm coming apart at the seams mental breakdown. She's pretty much reverted back to a child, and we've become the parents. We are basically doing EVERYTHING for her right now, from driving her places she needs to go, taking her food shopping, making her meals and making sure she eats and taking her to Dr.'s appointments, in addition to "trying" to care for my Dad when the nurses go home. Thank goodness we finally got her to the Dr. and got her on some medication to help her, but it certainly doesn't work overnight. In the meantime I now have two full-time jobs, my head is spinning and I'm left wondering when the role reversal happened?

Last night was my turn to stay with Dad, and let me just say that it was one of the worst nights so far. You see, from the first time my Dad said that he wanted to come home my Mom fought us tooth and nail. She didn't want him to come home because she just couldn't handle it. Even when we said that a nurse would be there 7 days a week, 12 hours a day, it was still a firm no. My brother finally put his foot down and had a talk with her. After that, she did finally oblige but she's still not happy about it. That's something I've been trying very hard to understand...what happened to "'til death do us part"? Anyway, my Mom decided that she couldn't handle my Dad during the night, so we've tried to put together a schedule between the three kids to cover the evenings. He was doing really great until about two days ago when he started to become extremely confused and almost belligerent (even with medication to supposedly "calm him down"!). Needless to say, I think I got about 40 minutes total of sleep, and I'm literally dragging today. Not only is it hard to see the physical toll this is taking on my Dad, but seeing him so confused with people and his surroundings is heartbreaking. It's so very sad to see him becoming a shell of the man I grew up with....he taught me how to ride a two-wheeler, wiped my tears, kissed boo-boo's, taught me how to drive a stick, celebrated so many of life's accomplishments with me and only a little more than a year ago walked me down the aisle. We know that he is beginning his journey home, and will someday be held safely in our Lord's hands, but really, that doesn't make it any easier on our hearts. Goodbye's are so hard to say.

Thursday Prayers....

I've recently been introduced to a wonderful blog, and would like to pass it onto anyone who may be reading my own....http://www.mycharmingkids.net or you can link to it on my sidebar.

MckMama, Baby Stellan and their whole family have been facing some very tough times the past two weeks, times that no parents or unborn baby should EVER have to face! It is their faith in our Heavenly Father that will get them through this. Please, if you have a few minutes to check out her blog and send a prayer up for Baby Stellan, it would be much appreciated all around!

I hate Mondays

All I have to say is what.a.weekend!! Dad came home on Friday afternoon and the really hard work began. We've enlisted the help of Home Health Aide's 7 days a week, 12 hours a day, so hopefully that will help. My brother and sister and I are trying to work out a schedule so that my Mom doesn't have to be alone with my Dad during the night, and Friday night was my shift. It was fairly uneventful, but will definitely take some getting used to! I didn't get much sleep because I was hearing every little noise in the house, so I was pretty cranky Saturday morning. The first aide came bright and early Saturday, and I'm truly amazed by them. I was a little skeptical that they would be able to give my Dad the same kind of care his family would, but the guy who came, Sam, was awesome! Sam will come two days a week, Jariss will come two days a week and Nancy will be there three days a week. Dad actually got outside in the fresh air BOTH days and he was very happy about that!! I've been praying so hard asking God for the strength I know we'll all need to get through this, but if you'd all keep us in your thoughts and prayers, it would be much appreciated!

Anyway, that was pretty much my whole weekend...we did wind up getting out for a few hours on Saturday afternoon to see my Godson in a children's parade...he's 2 and was a ladybug, so adorable!! He kept telling us he was a "bad ladybug" (I think his Dad put him up to that!), and Saturday night we went to my niece's house (his Mom) for dinner and a game of M.onoply, which I haven't played in a looong time!! It was fun and nice to get out for a bit. A wound up going golfing yesterday and I did the invitations for my niece's baby shower, which is the first Saturday in September. It will be a very busy month ahead, and A & I are hoping that we can get a few days vacation in there somewhere. A's brother is throwing a big party on August 16th, and our friend's have a shore house the week of the 18th, so we'll see. Also, A's birthday is the 25th, so busy, busy!!

Oh yeah, and AF arrived in full force on Saturday morning, so Cycle #15 here we come!!! A said he's going to call our family Dr. to see about getting an SA, so hopefully by the time I get to my new Ob/Gyn appt. I'll have more ammo to bring with me!! I've also told myself that it's time to get my butt back to the gym, so today's my first day...here's hoping I don't keel over!!

Chapter One...

And our story begins...except, where do I actually start? I've been contemplating starting my own blog for quite some time now. Life seems to be passing us by so quickly, that I figured it would probably be a good idea to start writing down the "important" things that happen/are happening. Although when I'm reading other blogs, it seems like my "things" aren't that interesting or exciting...hence the apprehension at starting my own. I mean, who will even read it? If nothing it will be a way for me to get down some of my own thoughts, fears, etc. To clear out my own internal cobwebs, and hopefully meet some new people along the way.

Anyway, a little background...A & I have been happily married for over a year now. We just recently celebrated our First Anniversary on May 27th, and it's been quite a year, I'll tell ya! We are no longer "newlyweds"...sniff, sniff! We've already been through a lot in that year, the past two months being probably the hardest so far. Our number one priority right now is my Dad. My Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease about a year ago, and suffered a massive stroke over Memorial Day weekend (his second). This was the beginning of the end. While in the hospital, the Dr.'s found numerous tumors in his lungs. Rather than open him up and risk making it worse (he wouldn't survive chemo and radiation anyway), we chose to let him live his last days here on Earth in one piece. My Dad has been fighting aggressive skin cancer for the last 10 years or so, so they figure it has finally spread to other parts of his body. After that diagnosis, he was moved to Hospice and we really thought we were going to lose him, but he's a fighter and his stubborn Scottish blood would have none of that!! In just the past week, he's expressed his wish to come home and hopefully by Friday, he will be. He is basically bedridden and will have a nurse with him 8 hours a day, plus my Mom will be home with him as well, along with my brother who only lives 5 minutes away. Plus, my parents own a Mother/Daughter house, and A & I are upstairs, so that will help. We know we all have a tough road ahead of us, but we are family, and if we can count on each other than who can we count on? Hopefully, God will help to guide us through this and give us all the strength we need.

This is me with my parents on our wedding day...such a happy day!!