We've lost a great man...

my Dad. The man who dried my tears, picked me up when I was down, kissed my cheeks and taught me to be the person I am today. I can't get my head around it and don't have many words. I can't possibly convey to anyone what a great man my Dad was...it's impossible. He was a Son, a Brother, a Husband, a Dad, a Pop-Pop and a Great Poppy. He was devoted to his family, his God; a man that words fall short of describing. I was lucky enough to have been raised by the man and was blessed to have him in my life for thirty-three years, but it was still to short.

I know that God welcomed him with open arms. I know that he's not suffering anymore...there is no more pain. Life and death are such a double-edged sword. For my Dad, I just couldn't bear to say good-bye, and yet I knew in my heart that it was the only way for him to find peace. He is with our Heavenly father now, not confined to a bed any longer, but walking tall with a smile on his face. I know that someday my Dad will be there to welcome me and I can't wait to feel his arms around me again.


I don't know who's reading this blog...if any one's reading at all, but if you are and you feel so inclined to send up a thought or prayer for this wonderful man, I thank you and my family thanks you from the bottom of our hearts.

Rest in Peace Daddy...we miss you so much. You'll forever be in our hearts.

"God watched you as you suffered,

and knew you had your share.

He gently closed your weary eyes

and took you in his care.
Your memory is our keepsake,

with that we will never part.

God has you in his keeping,

we have you in our hearts.
Nothing could be more beautiful

than the memories we have of you.

To us you were someone special.

God must have thought so too.
All our lives we shall miss you,

as the years they come and go,

but in our hearts you will live forever.

Because we love you so.
God saw you were getting tired,

and a cure was not to be.

So he put his arms around you

and whispered "Come with me"
With tearful eyes we watched you

suffer and fade away.

Although we loved you dearly,

you were not meant to stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,

hard- working hands to rest.

God broke our hearts to prove to us,

He only takes the best!"

A picnic might help...

Thank goodness the weekend is finally here! It's going to be a fairly busy one with my daily trips to see Dad and A's big 3-2 coming up! I bought tickets for us to go to the P.G.A Tour a while ago...the tournament is called T.he B.arclay's and since it's supposed to be a gorgeous day here in the J.ersey tomorrow, I know we'll have a great time!

So, along with that, I was thinking what else could we do for some fun today? You know, something a little different that doesn't cost tons of money? A's working a 1/2 day, coming home around lunch time, so what's better that an afternoon picnic? I figured we could pack up the backpack with some goodies and possibly a bottle of wine and get going! Out of the house and into the fresh air! So, that's what we'll be doing today. There are quite a few walking trails around here, so it's just a matter of figuring out where we want to go. I'm even going to take my camera along to hopefully get some good shots while we're out on our adventure!

Here's wishing you all a blessed weekend, and hoping that you all make the effort to spend some time with the one's you love...I know I will!

In times of need this always helps...

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Doh!

I almost forgot...some news on the TTC front...A was finally able to schedule his SA!! They were actually able to squeeze him in TODAY!! Very exciting, and my only bright light at the end of the tunnel right now. I'm keeping everything crossed that we get good results!!

Choking on reality...

Wow, it's already been over a week since my last post; honestly, where does the time go? Lot's of stuff going on...Dad was put back into Hospice last Monday to have his medication re-evaluated. We ran into some speed bumps over the weekend, where it seemed the medicine was just not working for him the way it had been and his Hospice nurse decided that it would be best for him. He was there for 36 hours, in which time we scrambled to find a nursing home for him. We (my brother, sister & Mom) came to grips with the fact that even though we had the aide's 12 hours a day, it was just too much for us...emotionally and physically. The hardest thing we had to do was stand there and tell him that he wasn't able to come home. His only wish and we weren't able to fulfill it. I feel like a crappy daughter. I feel like I let him down.

Friday, his first day there was a nightmare, and it's just progressively gotten worse since then. He wound up pitching himself out of his wheelchair and taking a header on the floor. A few bumps and bruises, but when you're already dealing with Stage Five Parkinson's (and skin cancer), that's the last thing you need. I went to see him after work last night and almost lost my lunch. I just can't digest the fact that he's laying there, a shell of the man I grew up with. This is the man who used to flip me around with the greatest of ease, and now he can't even walk. I'm literally choking on the reality of it, and just don't know how much more I can take. I'm trying to stay strong and not question what our Lord has planned for my Dad, but it's so hard. It's hard to see a disease eating away at him and not be able to do anything about it. I can't help but question, why?? Why my Dad? He's a good man, a great Dad and Pop Pop, a God fearing man and this is the card he gets dealt? It's just not fair...and I'm really choking on that.

Prayers please if you can spare them...for both him and us.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

When did I become the parent?

So, as most of you know my Dad came home from Hospice a week ago today to much celebrating...we, meaning my brother and sister, knew we had a very bumpy road ahead of us. However, I never thought it would actually be this hard!

A little background...when my Dad was put into the hospital mid-stroke, my Mom pretty much fell apart. I'm not talking about a little bit, I'm talking about a full on, I'm coming apart at the seams mental breakdown. She's pretty much reverted back to a child, and we've become the parents. We are basically doing EVERYTHING for her right now, from driving her places she needs to go, taking her food shopping, making her meals and making sure she eats and taking her to Dr.'s appointments, in addition to "trying" to care for my Dad when the nurses go home. Thank goodness we finally got her to the Dr. and got her on some medication to help her, but it certainly doesn't work overnight. In the meantime I now have two full-time jobs, my head is spinning and I'm left wondering when the role reversal happened?

Last night was my turn to stay with Dad, and let me just say that it was one of the worst nights so far. You see, from the first time my Dad said that he wanted to come home my Mom fought us tooth and nail. She didn't want him to come home because she just couldn't handle it. Even when we said that a nurse would be there 7 days a week, 12 hours a day, it was still a firm no. My brother finally put his foot down and had a talk with her. After that, she did finally oblige but she's still not happy about it. That's something I've been trying very hard to understand...what happened to "'til death do us part"? Anyway, my Mom decided that she couldn't handle my Dad during the night, so we've tried to put together a schedule between the three kids to cover the evenings. He was doing really great until about two days ago when he started to become extremely confused and almost belligerent (even with medication to supposedly "calm him down"!). Needless to say, I think I got about 40 minutes total of sleep, and I'm literally dragging today. Not only is it hard to see the physical toll this is taking on my Dad, but seeing him so confused with people and his surroundings is heartbreaking. It's so very sad to see him becoming a shell of the man I grew up with....he taught me how to ride a two-wheeler, wiped my tears, kissed boo-boo's, taught me how to drive a stick, celebrated so many of life's accomplishments with me and only a little more than a year ago walked me down the aisle. We know that he is beginning his journey home, and will someday be held safely in our Lord's hands, but really, that doesn't make it any easier on our hearts. Goodbye's are so hard to say.

Thursday Prayers....

I've recently been introduced to a wonderful blog, and would like to pass it onto anyone who may be reading my own....http://www.mycharmingkids.net or you can link to it on my sidebar.

MckMama, Baby Stellan and their whole family have been facing some very tough times the past two weeks, times that no parents or unborn baby should EVER have to face! It is their faith in our Heavenly Father that will get them through this. Please, if you have a few minutes to check out her blog and send a prayer up for Baby Stellan, it would be much appreciated all around!

I hate Mondays

All I have to say is what.a.weekend!! Dad came home on Friday afternoon and the really hard work began. We've enlisted the help of Home Health Aide's 7 days a week, 12 hours a day, so hopefully that will help. My brother and sister and I are trying to work out a schedule so that my Mom doesn't have to be alone with my Dad during the night, and Friday night was my shift. It was fairly uneventful, but will definitely take some getting used to! I didn't get much sleep because I was hearing every little noise in the house, so I was pretty cranky Saturday morning. The first aide came bright and early Saturday, and I'm truly amazed by them. I was a little skeptical that they would be able to give my Dad the same kind of care his family would, but the guy who came, Sam, was awesome! Sam will come two days a week, Jariss will come two days a week and Nancy will be there three days a week. Dad actually got outside in the fresh air BOTH days and he was very happy about that!! I've been praying so hard asking God for the strength I know we'll all need to get through this, but if you'd all keep us in your thoughts and prayers, it would be much appreciated!

Anyway, that was pretty much my whole weekend...we did wind up getting out for a few hours on Saturday afternoon to see my Godson in a children's parade...he's 2 and was a ladybug, so adorable!! He kept telling us he was a "bad ladybug" (I think his Dad put him up to that!), and Saturday night we went to my niece's house (his Mom) for dinner and a game of M.onoply, which I haven't played in a looong time!! It was fun and nice to get out for a bit. A wound up going golfing yesterday and I did the invitations for my niece's baby shower, which is the first Saturday in September. It will be a very busy month ahead, and A & I are hoping that we can get a few days vacation in there somewhere. A's brother is throwing a big party on August 16th, and our friend's have a shore house the week of the 18th, so we'll see. Also, A's birthday is the 25th, so busy, busy!!

Oh yeah, and AF arrived in full force on Saturday morning, so Cycle #15 here we come!!! A said he's going to call our family Dr. to see about getting an SA, so hopefully by the time I get to my new Ob/Gyn appt. I'll have more ammo to bring with me!! I've also told myself that it's time to get my butt back to the gym, so today's my first day...here's hoping I don't keel over!!