Friday, March 27, 2009

Starting over...

Wow, I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post. No, I haven't been in hiding, just trying to take the time necessary to grieve our failed IVF and try to re-focus. First though, before I even attempt to catch you all up on the last few weeks, I have to say thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I knew that I had made a few good blog buddies out there, but I was so humbled by the comments, prayers and words of strength you ladies gave me. To know that so many of you lovely women took the time out of your day to comfort a "stranger" really touched my more ways than you'll ever know, and for that I owe my deepest gratitude's. We are all such strong women, and to know that I have the support of so many of you is and honor and quite an awesome feeling. I have so been blessed...thanks!

Whew, now that that's out of the way let's get down to business. I'm not going to linger on our failed IVF. I did that in my last post and I won't repeat it. What's past is past and there's nothing we can do to change that. The only thing we can do is keep moving forward. What I will say though, is that everything leading up to that negative beta (for me anyway) was small in comparison to what I felt when they confirmed it didn't work. Saying that I was devastated doesn't even seem to cut it. It literally felt like I had lost a loved one, which in reality I guess we did. I had so many different emotions running through me. Everything from anger to depression to failure. I raised an angry fist to God and screamed why me? Why us? I questioned everything we did and didn't do, hoping to find something, anything that I could blame it all on. Hubby took the news differently though. Yes, he was upset and sad, but somehow he was able to put a positive spin on all the negative. Positive? What's positive about this, I asked myself? But once I really sat down and listened to what he had to say, and the things he was feeling, I got it! And now that a few weeks have passed and I've had time to clear my head, I know that it's not anyone's fault. It was just the luck of the draw. We had just as much of a chance at making this work as anyone else, and who am I to question what God has planned for me? For us? I'm just a very small grain of sand on a big beach. So what I will do, what we will do, is get up, dust ourselves off and try this again. Because I know in my heart that someday, no matter the road we take to get there, we WILL have a baby! We WILL have a family! We WILL be a success story!

And, speaking of beaches, Hubby went and booked an anniversary trip for us to the Repu.blic!! We're going to Pu.nta in May!!! Nothing but sun, sand, drinks on the beach, feet dipped in the surf and time for us to focus on US!! I can't think of a better way to recharge our batteries in anticipation of our second IVF cycle! Yes, we will be doing this again. We had our follow-up with Dr. D yesterday and decided that we'll get back on the horse at the end of May, early June, depending on when my cycle starts. We went over everything from the last cycle and it really wasn't as bad as we thought. I responded great to the meds, my lining was good, ovaries produced the average amount of eggs for a woman my age and the embryo quality on the two they put back in were Grade 1. He said that just because the were only four cells on day three didn't mean they couldn't catch up once they were put back into the uterus. That is, after all, the most natural place for them to be.

So, all in all I do feel much better about everything. We'll be making a fresh start with cleared heads. I know that the second time around will be much different. I'll be able to let go of alot of the stress of the unknown's I had with the first cycle since we've already done it. I won't be stressing about bloodwork and needles and PIO shots. Instead I'll be praying to God for strength and guidance. We won't be walking down the path alone, and I'll know that when it does start to feel like too much, when I do start to stress, when the load just feels too damn heavy for me to carry myself, I can give it all up to Him and He'll carry it for me. And what a wonderful feeling that is!

So, with that I'll end and just tell you all that even though I haven't been posting, I still have been following you all on your own journeys. I've celebrated successes and mourned a few heartbreaking losses. I've prayed for all of you and will continue to do so. After all, we've got each other and I can't think of anyone I'd rather having standing along side me than you!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Feeling lost...

I've been on this road for over two years. It's the most stressful thing I've ever dealt with. The insecurities are bleeding into EVERY part of my life. I feel like I'm losing myself piece by piece, day by day. I feel left behind as everyone around me has started and some already completed their families. I feel broken and defective. I can't find the strength that I've relied on for so many other low points in my life.

I am just tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of hoping. Tired of that terrible high school feeling of being "dumped" every month when AF rears her ugly head. I was more hopeful than usual this month. I mean, we're doing IVF, why wouldn't I? You'd think I would have learned better by now. I wanted to believe. I can't anymore. Why me? Why all of us? Why does every friggin' month has to be so hurtful? Painful. Debilitatingly sad. Why hurt my husband, a loving and kind man who ADORES children, more than any man I've ever seen? He is so good and kind and God has given him a wife who cannot DO THIS! He cries with me at every period. And he tries to peel me off the floor every time and tells me he just KNOWS it's going to happen. When I know it will never. Not without majorly expensive medical miracles. We're not rich by any stretch of the word. This nightmare has made me into a jealous and not-nice-to-be-around person. I used to love to be around my friends and their babies/families. Now, I don't even talk to half of them anymore because..........because I'm THIS WAY now! I can't even bear to read the blogs of my fellow infertiles who have succeeded. I'm miserable and disgusted with myslef for feeling like this. Even when I'm "happy", it's fake. I live in Limbo. I don't even feel like me anymore.

I do believe in God, however, my faith has been rocked. There is no way to say it hasn't. We see so much gloom and doom in what people can do to their own children and we sit here trying and praying desperately for a baby to love and take care of. I cannot pray any more. I have found that when I try to pray I just stop. I ask the Holy Spirit to intercede for me as I am unable to. I hope that God can understand and help me get past these feelings of failure and loss.

Infertility has been the worst experience of my life. I'm not even sure it's worth everything I've been through at this point. I want a baby, but I miss the woman I used to be. I just don't know how to become her again. Being a parent and having a family was always a part of the picture for us. We were going to be parents. That's part of how I understood myself and my husband. And now, it may not happen. I'm a wife but I'm not a mother. So who am I now, and who is my husband, and are we really a family--can we be, without kids?