Choking on reality...

Wow, it's already been over a week since my last post; honestly, where does the time go? Lot's of stuff going on...Dad was put back into Hospice last Monday to have his medication re-evaluated. We ran into some speed bumps over the weekend, where it seemed the medicine was just not working for him the way it had been and his Hospice nurse decided that it would be best for him. He was there for 36 hours, in which time we scrambled to find a nursing home for him. We (my brother, sister & Mom) came to grips with the fact that even though we had the aide's 12 hours a day, it was just too much for us...emotionally and physically. The hardest thing we had to do was stand there and tell him that he wasn't able to come home. His only wish and we weren't able to fulfill it. I feel like a crappy daughter. I feel like I let him down.

Friday, his first day there was a nightmare, and it's just progressively gotten worse since then. He wound up pitching himself out of his wheelchair and taking a header on the floor. A few bumps and bruises, but when you're already dealing with Stage Five Parkinson's (and skin cancer), that's the last thing you need. I went to see him after work last night and almost lost my lunch. I just can't digest the fact that he's laying there, a shell of the man I grew up with. This is the man who used to flip me around with the greatest of ease, and now he can't even walk. I'm literally choking on the reality of it, and just don't know how much more I can take. I'm trying to stay strong and not question what our Lord has planned for my Dad, but it's so hard. It's hard to see a disease eating away at him and not be able to do anything about it. I can't help but question, why?? Why my Dad? He's a good man, a great Dad and Pop Pop, a God fearing man and this is the card he gets dealt? It's just not fair...and I'm really choking on that.

Prayers please if you can spare them...for both him and us.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10