Monday, October 19, 2009

The Quilt of Holes

Hello's been a long time since my last post, and I hope this finds all of you happy & healthy. Life in general over the past few months has been good. We are just trying to live each day to it's fullest, and appreciate all that we have. Our last failed IVF was nothing short of heartbreaking, and while I do owe you all a proper update, today is just not the day.

I had a very good friend send this to me last Friday, and it really hit home. If you have a few moments to read it, I know you'll enjoy it too...

The Quilt of Holes

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

As my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw that the hardships I endured were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose, each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter, but there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.

Then I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.

Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you....'

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!

"God determines who walks into your life...but it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."

Friday, July 17, 2009

Friday morning...

Nothing like getting a call first thing in the morning telling you something you already knew. Jesus, this sucks! Another heart break, another failure. I really don't have much else to say, but just wanted to thank you all for your prayers and encouragement over the past few really means alot.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

One word...

negative. That's all I've got...

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

To test, or not to test?

That is the question? I'm still debating on whether to POAS prior to Friday's blood draw. Actually, I'm terrified. Hubby is a stressed-out wreck, and keeps telling me how guilty he's feeling about going away for the weekend. That's probably why he keeps telling me I should test early. Like I said yesterday, part of me wants to and part of me doesn't. I just want to hold onto that little shred of hope as long as I can, I guess. If I test tomorrow, I'll be 10dp3dt, Friday would be 11dp3dt. Another consideration, morning or evening? What do you ladies think? I really value your opinions, so any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Waiting Game

Yup, that's exactly what I'm playing right now and I hate it! I wish time would just stage right and fast forward to Friday, but alas, I'm not that lucky! I'm 8dp3dt and I got nothing! Well, I mean besides the soreness from the progesterone shots, which seem to be giving me a lot of heartache this time around, I've had a bit of heartburn, some fatigue and some cramping on Saturday and Sunday, but that's it and they're all normal PMS symptoms for me, I might add. It's 'technically' CD28 and I'm a to-the-date kind of girl. However, I'm chalking up the lack of AF symptoms to the fact that I "ovulated" much later than usual this month. And so we wait....tick, tock, tick, tock...

Hubby will be leaving late Friday morning for an all weekend bachelor party , which means he won't be home when the news comes in. Devastating if it's yet another negative! I've told my girlfriend that if she sees me trying to drown myself in our front yard sprinkler to come and save me! I do have a bachelorette party myself on Saturday night, so I can always drown my sorrows there, but you know, I'd really like to NOT be partaking in the alcohol consumption. I asked Hubby if he thought I should test before Friday and he said yes. He voted for Thursday, me for Friday morning. Either way, I'm not yet sure what I'll do. Part of me wants to know, and yet part of me wants to hold on to the not knowing as long as I can. Does that make sense? I guess I'm really just so damn afraid of disappointment again, that I'd rather just not know anything at all until Friday. Not knowing means that I can still hold out hope until they call. Not know means that I still have a chance. All my faith is in God, and we're praying with everything we have that this time it's our turn.

"God always gives His best to
those that leave the choice with Him."

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Playing Catch-up....

Hello friends, yes, I have been a very bad blogger. I must's been over a week since my trigger post, and I have absolutely no excuse for NOT posting other than sheer laziness! I'm not sure how I let that much time get away from me, but as I was sitting having lunch today I realized that I had, and that I had missed posting our retrieval and transfer updates? Hmmm, I hope it's not too late!

So, to catch up, we triggered last Thursday night and had our transfer on Friday morning. Here I was thinking that it was going to be another piece of cake, and boy was I wrong. Well, actually to be quite honest the retrieval itself was uneventful, but I wound up having a bad reaction to the anesthesia this time around and came out hysterically sobbing. I also managed to rip the oxygen mask off and fling it behind the bed...yes folks, all while still being completely out of it. Let me tell you that when Hubby told me what I did I was mortified, to say the least! I did read somewhere that sometimes anesthesia can give you nightmares while you're out and you will wake up not remembering them, so perhaps that's what happened? Needless to say, Hubs thought it was quite funny, and I sat there the rest of the time wanting to kick him. I did also have some major cramping and pretty bad gas pains afterwards, but nothing a hot pack and some Tylenol with Codeine couldn't cure. So anyway, by the time of retrieval I had 18 follies, out of which they got 6 mature eggs (one less than we had last time). We left there pretty happy with those results and praying that we'd have some fighters!!

On Saturday we were called with our fertilization report, and out of the 6 we had four fertilize!! I dropped to my knees praising God, and we spent the rest of the weekend hoping those four would make it to transfer.

We got our call Monday morning that our transfer was scheduled for 12:15, so we knew some of them must have made it. However, the nurses can't tell you anything until you get there, which honestly, I think is just ridiculous! I mean, come on! Anyway, 12:15 sharp I started to drink and we were brought back to recovery. I drank, and drank, and drank. They came in with the portable ultrasound to make sure my bladder was full, told the doctor we were ready to go, and in he came...out of our four, three had made it!! Out of those three, one was six cells and two were five cells!! Here they are in all their glory...

So all in all, MUCH better results this time around. There was 30% fragmentation on one of the five cells (left), but the other two looked great. He suggested putting back in all three, so that's what we did and now we wait! I go in tomorrow morning to have my hormone levels checked and then a pregnancy test next Friday.

Sooo, other than hitting a vein in my butt cheek the other night while doing my progesterone shot (Holy pain!!!) and some random heartburn, I'm feeling pretty good! We're just trying to take it day by day and stay calm. At this point in time, I can't even picture myself pregnant anymore, so if it does happen it will be a shock. Either way, we know that we have no control over the results. It's already decided what will happen by the Big Guy upstairs, so why get ourselves all worked up? That's not to say that if the test is negative we won't be upset, but I'm just feeling so much more at peace with this cycle. Not sure if it's partly due to the acupuncture or something else, but it's strange and comforting. So my dears, I'll leave you with that and with my sincerest thanks for all your prayers and well wishes! It's true that prayer really does work!

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."
(Psalm 94:19)

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


Well, after 13 DAYS of stimming we've finally made it to trigger day!! Estrogen was perfect at 2,523 and progesterone was at 0.5. Two Ovidrel tonight at 9:30 on the dot, and retrieval is scheduled for Friday morning at 8:00!!! Here's where we stand today, and I might add that somewhere along the line I've managed to gain an add'l 5 idea how that happened, but praise God nonetheless!!!!

2 @ 10mm
1 @ 13mm
1 @ 15mm
3 @ 17mm
1 @ 19mm
1 @ 20mm

4 @ 10mm
2 @ 13mm
1 @ 15mm
1 @ 17mm
1 @ 18mm

Sooo, one last monitoring appointment tomorrow morning and then it's on like Donkey Kong! Lol! I'll also be visiting St. Gerard again tomorrow, and have another acupuncture appointment as well. I'm covering all bases this time! With that being said, if you have a moment to spare this evening, please lift us up in prayer. We can use all we can get over the next few days!!

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in Him."
(Jeremiah 17:7)

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Almost there...

Well, as of 1:47 this afternoon, I am happy to say that we're almost to the end of the stimming phase!! Praise God and hallelujah, because this Lupron has turned me into a walking zombie with a daily migraine, blech!! I'm scared, nervous and hopeful all at the same time. I've somehow allowed Hope to creep in there again. How is beyond me, but I'm feeling so at peace this cycle, that I'm guessing that's why. Anyway, here's where we stand today...

1 @ 14mm
3 @ 15mm
1 @ 16mm
1 @ 17mm

2 @ 10mm and under
3 @ 11mm-13mm
1 @ 15mm
1 @ 18mm

More blood work and another ultrasound tomorrow morning, and then we should be triggering tomorrow night! WOW!! There was a moment this morning where they thought that might happen tonight, but Dr. Wonderful is banking on the "cluster" of follies in my left ovary to surge ahead tonight with the last of the stims. He explained to me that while we do have some pretty good, larger sized follies on each ovary, he's hoping he can get 'ol Lefty to catch up. All in all, I'm pretty happy with these numbers and am just praying that we're able to get some quality eggs from them. At this point in time, I'm praying for quality over quantity. We have about the same number of follies as last time, so we'll see. I'm crossing everything!

Saturday, June 27, 2009


Well, I knew this post could go one of two ways, and I'm glad to say that as of this morning's blood work and ultrasound...WE HAVE GROWTH!! Praise God!! Here's the run down:

"Righty" (usually referred to as "Lazy Righty")
5 @ 12mm
2 @ 13mm

"Lefty" (usually referred to as "Superstar"...not so much this time)
4 @ 10mm
2 @ 13mm

I go back in for b/w and u/s Tuesday morning, and Nurse Sweetie Pie anitcipates that we'll probably be taking the Ovidrel on either Tuesday or Wednesday...gaaaahhhh!!! Now we're just praying for continued growth, resulting in good quality eggs. On Friday afternoon, I made a trek to the shrine of St. Gerard with my good friend K :::waves Hi!:::, and it looks like prayers DO get answered!

Please Lord, continue to watch over us as we walk this path to parenthood. We know that with You, all things are possible.

""Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it, and it will be yours."
(Mark 11:22, 24)

Friday, June 26, 2009

Worrying & Acupuncture

Happy Friday everyone!! I am so glad this work week is almost over...whew! I'm really looking forward to spending some quality time with the Hubby this weekend! Work has been so busy for him since the Spring, and he's finally getting a whole weekend off, YAY!! I have a birthday brunch for my SIL Sunday morning and then my niece's pool party that afternoon, and I'm thinking maybe a date night tomorrow? I'm itching to see Transfor.mers, so we'll see...

Anyway, I've been hesitant to post an update from my blood work and ultrasound on Wednesday. Mostly because there's not much to update you guys on. Somewhere in between Monday and Wednesday I've managed to "lose" 2 follicles. How, you might be asking yourself, is that possible? I have no idea. I'm chalking it up to the fact that, with our clinic, you pretty much see a different Dr. every time you go for morning monitoring and they all read the ultrasounds differently. I voiced my concerns to our Nurse, because lets face it, I need all the follies I can get, and she said the same thing. Strike two - there wasn't any progress, growth wise, with the follies and that had me really concerned. Again, my Nurse tried to assure me that it was still a little early to see follicle growth. With our first IVF cycle, we did have a little growth by CD8, but not a big difference. Seriously though? I'm pumping enormous amounts of drugs into my body and nothing? I'm trying to stay positive, and remind myself that you only need ONE egg to get the job done, but I'm What if I go in tomorrow and I'm still stuck with follies <10? What if they wind up cancelling our cycle? What if we've spent all this money, yet again, and I still wind up not having anything to show for it? I mean, you guys know how it goes...the questions just go on, and on, and on...I know that there's really nothing I can do about it. It is what it is, and I'm just going to try and give it up to God and let Him be in control. Oh, yeah and also trying to just breeeeaaathe!!!

Okay, so enough Debbie Downer for today....

Onto my acupuncture appointment. Let me just say this, for those of you who have never done it or are scared to do it...DO IT!!! Even if not for "fertility" reasons, just give it a chance and I promise you that you will not be disappointed! Of course, I was a little nervous when I arrived at the office, but Dr. K really took the time to talk me through everything. She took a complete medical history, measured my pulse and explained everything that was going to happen. She wound up putting about 20 needles into various parts of my body, really focusing on the fertility aspect of it. She also put a heat lamp over my abdomen once she had all the needles in, and let me tell you, it was heaven!! Apparently, a warm abdomen helps to promote a snuggly uterus, which in turn helps with embryo implantation. Who knew! There was one instance where she put a needle into my hand that wasn't exactly pleasant, but she remedied it right away and explained that certain needles can feel "heavier" in parts of the body that carry more stress. Anyway, I wound up falling asleep, that's how relaxed I was. I woke up refreshed and with so much energy, and have been sleeping like a baby ever since! We're going to work a little more on stress management next week, and she even said we might have some time for a neck massage! Woohoo!!

Soooo, this post turned out a lot longer that I had anticipated, but I do feel much better now! I hope all you lovelies out there have a beautiful weekend, and if you can, send up a few prayers for us!

Thursday, June 25, 2009


So I just found out that they've moved the release date for Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince up to July 15th!! Gaaaah, I can't wait!!! This movie looks to be one of the best ones yet!! Here's a peek...

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Sisterhood Award

A while ago I received the "Sisterhood Award" from my dear bloggie friend Osuraj. Who, I might add, has just gotten her coveted BFP!! Please take a minute to visit her blog, congratulate her and show her some love and support today! I know I've dragged my feet in passing it along, but no better time than the present, I say.

Anyway, I was thinking...the last time I received an award, I nominated some folks who never even acknowledged the award. Even after leaving a message on their blogs. Maybe those who didn't respond and pass it along didn't feel honored, or felt like it was a burden. I'm sorry for that. I hate to obligate anyone with an award.

So, that in turn made me rethink this whole award thing: are they a good thing or are they not? I think they are a good thing. Blogging takes a lot of work and time, and it is lovely to be recognized for your efforts. I want to thank those who stop by my blog, read what I write and who continually offer their prayers, love and support. Even while going through their own struggles. These awards are a lovely thing and a good way to share good feelings, so I hope that those I tag will accept this award in the spirit in which it is given: attitude and/or gratitude.

The "guidelines" state that you should nominate at least 10 blogs who fit this bill. Hmmm, what to do, what to do? I know in doing this, I will most assuredly leave out a number of people who have been good "sisters". "Sisters" who have not forgotten me, even though I haven't been the best bloggie friend lately. There are so many of you who have shown us so much love and support since this blog was started, so please forgive me if I've inadvertently left anyone out!

The guidelines for this award are:

  1. Put the logo on your blog or post.

  2. Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.

  3. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.

  4. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I nominate the following people and their inspiring blogs:

Meds 101

I know that for most of us IF'ers out there, we're more than familiar with all the different medications used prior to, during and after an IVF cycle. I know that when we started our first cycle, I had so many questions that needed answering. I was scared, nervous and excited all at the same time!

For those newcomer's out there, I thought it might be beneficial to do a post explaining what the "typical" IVF meds are. So, without further ado, here's a little more information as to what each one is used for during a "typical" IVF cycle. Please keep in mind that everyone is different, and your protocol may/may not include all these. I've also included some other meds that come into play as well throughout the cycle...

  • Estrace/Estradiol (oral) - I couldn't find a really good definition of this, other than that it's used to treat conditions due to menopause (eg, hot flashes; vaginal itching, burning, or dryness), treating vulval or vaginal atrophy, and preventing osteoporosis (brittle bones). It is also used for estrogen replacement therapy after failure of the ovaries and to relieve the symptoms of breast cancer. Not sure what it's exactly used for in conjunction with IVF. Hmmm, anybody?

  • Microdose Lupron (subcutaneous inj) - initially accelerates the pituitary gland and then stops it from producing LH and FSH the two hormones responsible for egg development and ovulation), allowing for a controlled stimulation cycle prior to IVF. The low-dose preparation has the ability to stimulate rather than suppress the ovaries. This is used for "poor responders." Usually, five, ten or twenty units is given daily as prescribed during the cycle. It may be overlapped with birth control pills for 3-7 days.

  • Low-dose hCG (subcutaneous inj) - used as a replacement for LH to help supplement the stimulation during ART cycles. When administered as an injection to a non-pregnant woman, hCG acts the same way that luteinizing hormone (LH) does. The advantage is that hCG lasts a lot longer in the body than LH does and therefore has a more reliable, consistent effect. Because of these features, hCG is much more potent than LH.

  • Follistim (subcutaneous inj) - used to induce or enhance ovulation, or, to super-stimulate the ovaries. Follistim contains follicle stimulating hormone (FSH), a naturally occurring hormone. FSH is important in the development of follicles (eggs) produced by the ovaries. Generally started on the second, third, fourth or fifth day of the cycle, and continued for 7 to 12 days or longer if the ovary responds slowly. Gonal-F, Bravelle, Pergonal and Repronex can also be put in this category.

  • Ganirelix (subcutaneous inj) - GnRH antagonist that immediately suppress luteinizing hormone (LH). This medication is initiated during the later part of the stimulation cycle when the follicles begin to increase in size. Cetrotide can also be used.

  • hCG ("trigger shot")(subcutaneous inj) - causes the eggs to complete the maturation process. This is taken only once in the cycle. Release of the eggs should occur about 36-46 hours after the shot. Timing this shot is vital! If it's given too early, the eggs will not have matured enough. If given too late, the eggs may be “too old” and won't fertilize properly. The daily ultrasounds at the end of your stims are meant to time this trigger shot just right. Usually, the hCG injection is given when four or more follicles have grown to be 18 to 20mm in size and your estradiol levels are greater than 2,000pg/ML. Brand names for this include Ovidrel, Novarel and Pregnyl.

  • Doxycycline (oral) - prescribed to each partner during an IVF cycle, to control bacteria that may affect implantation in the female and sperm quality in the male. This ensures that uterus is free of bacteria before embryo transfer. In most cases your partner will start this on your CD3, taking it twice a day for a minimum of five days prior to partner’s retrieval, and you will start it the night of your retrieval.

  • Medrol (oral) - a light steroid that is used to prevent 'inflammation' of the uterine lining that can cause it to reject the embryo. Usually, one pill daily beginning the day of retrieval and ending the day of, or after, embryo transfer.

  • Progesterone (intramuscular inj) - these are the big boys!! Administered to support the uterine lining during early pregnancy. Used daily starting the day of IVF retrieval and continuing until the pregnancy test, and an additional four to six weeks if the pregnancy test is positive. I use the in Ethyl Oleate which is a much thinner consistency. Because of this, you can use a smaller gauge needle, which in turn, makes it that much easier to administer. Do yourself (and your hiney!) a favor and ask your Dr. for this one!!!

So, that about sums it up!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Plugging along...

So, I've got a bit to catch you guys up on...I went for CD3 b/w on Friday morning and started meds that night. Meds meaning 20iu's Lupron in the morning, 20iu's Lupron, 450iu's Follistim and 15iu's low-dose hCG all in the evening. WHOA!! This was all in addition to the Estrace I was taking twice a day, which I was able to stop yesterday. YAY!! Dr. Wonderful has us on a very different protocol this time around in the hopes that we'll be able to produce a few more, good quality eggs, and it looks like that might be working!

Bloodwork and ultrasound yesterday morning showed SEVEN follies on my lazy, right ovary (go righty!!) and FOUR beauties on the left, all <10 of course, but with IVF #1 we only had a total of seven at retrieval, so I'm feeling like we're already ahead of the game!!! I am praying with all that I have that they're good quality eggs, and at this point in time I'm feeling very positive! Much different from how I was feeling the first time around. More b/w and another u/s tomorrow morning will give us a better idea of where we're at, and hopefully a possible retrieval date...GAHHH!!!

I'm also making my first, official visit to an acupuncture specialist tomorrow after work. This doctor was referred to me by our PCP, whose wife used her during their second successful IVF cycle. I found an interesting article here, and I'm curious to see how she'll be able to help me through this cycle. Hopefully, she'll at least be able to relieve some of the stress and anxiety that goes hand in hand with IVF.

Friday, June 19, 2009

The Climb...

In addition to just loving Miley Cyrus and thinking that she's completely adorable, this song just says it all! It literally gives me the chills every time I hear it, and the lyrics seem like they were written just for me...I hope it inspires you as much as it does me because, really when we come down to it, it IS all about the climb!

I can almost see it,
That dream I'm dreamin'
But there's a voice inside my head sayin'
You'll never reach it...

Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction,
My faith is shaking...

But I, I gotta keep tryin',
Gotta keep my head held high...
There's always gonna be another mountain,
I'm always gonna wanna make it move,
Always gonna be an up-hill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side...
It's the climb!

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but,
No, I'm not breaking...
I may not know it,
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep goin'...

And, I, I got to be strong,
Just keep pushing on...
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain,
I'm always gonna wanna make it move,
Always gonna be an up-hill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose...
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side...
It's the climb!


There's always gonna be another mountain,
I'm always gonna wanna make it move,
Always gonna be an up-hill battle,
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose...
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side...
It's the climb!

Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep the faith, baby!
It's all about...
It's all about...
The climb!
Keep the faith, keep your faith, woah!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

And so it begins...

...IVF "Take 2" that is! Well, today marks CD1 and the official start of our second IVF cycle! What can I say...I'M TERRIFED!! Actually, I'm terrified and excited at the same time (if that's really possible?). Physically, I feel so much more relaxed this time around, and I'm chalking that up to the fact that we've already been through it once. I know what to expect...from raging hormones, to mood swings, to giant needles and I'm okay with all of it. And even though the first time around didn't result in a positive outcome for us, I'm still waaay less stressed about the road ahead. However, my emotions seem to be seated in the front row of the rollercoaster, as I can go from feeling way, way up to feeling way, waaaaay down in a matter of 0.8 seconds flat! Honestly, I just don't want to be left behind...AGAIN! I want a guarantee this time around that IT WILL WORK! However, I know that's precisely the way it doesn't work, and it makes me sad. I also feel like a heel complaining about any of it because I know there are so many women out there who never even get to the point I'm at. So, I guess I just have to plug away, move forward and put my faith in God and myself.

I had a wonderful friend lend me her holy medals (Saint Ge.rard, Saint Jud.e and the Vi.rgin M.ary) that she wore during her own infertility treatments, so in addition to my daily novena's to Saint Th.erese, I feel pretty well covered. I've also had another dear friend offer to take me to St.'s Chu.rch, which is home to the national shrine of Saint Gera.rd, to be blessed and receive a Saint Ger.ard handkerchief. If you don't know the story of this, take a look here. Anyway, I'll be going on on Friday for CD3 b/w and u/s, so I'll keep you all posted! Thank goodness we have some pretty busy weekends coming up, which will hopefully help make the time pass even always a big Thank You goes out to all you beautiful readers out there who continue to show me so much love and support! Without you guys, how would I have ever made it so far? So, THANKS! :)

Saturday, June 13, 2009

The newest addition to our family...

I know I'm a little behind, but I just couldn't resist...please welcome to the world my 2nd great nephew, Gavin Patrick!! He was born on May 31st, weighing in @ 9lbs, 1oz and 21 inches long! This little guy is such a snuggle bug, and we're all just over the moon in love with him!

Daddy, Riley & Gavin...

Friday, June 12, 2009

Relaxing in Punta Cana...

Hello all my beautiful friends out there!! I'm working on an update for the beginning of our second IVF cycle, but thought a post showcasing our wonderful vacation in Punta Cana, DR was warranted!! We had such an amazing time, and came home relaxed, rested and with our batteries recharged! It's really amazing what a little time away from "things" can do for your mind, body and soul! And now we're ready to start our next journey, and feeling postive about tackling all the hurdles ahead...

US enjoying our last day...

My handsome Hubby...

A really cool shipwreck off the coast...

Friday, May 29, 2009

I'm baaaack!!!!

And it feels GOOD!!! After a much needed break from everything, I'm refreshed, relaxed and recharged! I have SO MUCH to catch you all up on and new posts are in the works! In the mean time, I hope all you ladies out there are doing great...I've missed you guys!!!

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."(Romans 12:12).

Friday, March 27, 2009

Starting over...

Wow, I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post. No, I haven't been in hiding, just trying to take the time necessary to grieve our failed IVF and try to re-focus. First though, before I even attempt to catch you all up on the last few weeks, I have to say thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I knew that I had made a few good blog buddies out there, but I was so humbled by the comments, prayers and words of strength you ladies gave me. To know that so many of you lovely women took the time out of your day to comfort a "stranger" really touched my more ways than you'll ever know, and for that I owe my deepest gratitude's. We are all such strong women, and to know that I have the support of so many of you is and honor and quite an awesome feeling. I have so been blessed...thanks!

Whew, now that that's out of the way let's get down to business. I'm not going to linger on our failed IVF. I did that in my last post and I won't repeat it. What's past is past and there's nothing we can do to change that. The only thing we can do is keep moving forward. What I will say though, is that everything leading up to that negative beta (for me anyway) was small in comparison to what I felt when they confirmed it didn't work. Saying that I was devastated doesn't even seem to cut it. It literally felt like I had lost a loved one, which in reality I guess we did. I had so many different emotions running through me. Everything from anger to depression to failure. I raised an angry fist to God and screamed why me? Why us? I questioned everything we did and didn't do, hoping to find something, anything that I could blame it all on. Hubby took the news differently though. Yes, he was upset and sad, but somehow he was able to put a positive spin on all the negative. Positive? What's positive about this, I asked myself? But once I really sat down and listened to what he had to say, and the things he was feeling, I got it! And now that a few weeks have passed and I've had time to clear my head, I know that it's not anyone's fault. It was just the luck of the draw. We had just as much of a chance at making this work as anyone else, and who am I to question what God has planned for me? For us? I'm just a very small grain of sand on a big beach. So what I will do, what we will do, is get up, dust ourselves off and try this again. Because I know in my heart that someday, no matter the road we take to get there, we WILL have a baby! We WILL have a family! We WILL be a success story!

And, speaking of beaches, Hubby went and booked an anniversary trip for us to the Repu.blic!! We're going to Pu.nta in May!!! Nothing but sun, sand, drinks on the beach, feet dipped in the surf and time for us to focus on US!! I can't think of a better way to recharge our batteries in anticipation of our second IVF cycle! Yes, we will be doing this again. We had our follow-up with Dr. D yesterday and decided that we'll get back on the horse at the end of May, early June, depending on when my cycle starts. We went over everything from the last cycle and it really wasn't as bad as we thought. I responded great to the meds, my lining was good, ovaries produced the average amount of eggs for a woman my age and the embryo quality on the two they put back in were Grade 1. He said that just because the were only four cells on day three didn't mean they couldn't catch up once they were put back into the uterus. That is, after all, the most natural place for them to be.

So, all in all I do feel much better about everything. We'll be making a fresh start with cleared heads. I know that the second time around will be much different. I'll be able to let go of alot of the stress of the unknown's I had with the first cycle since we've already done it. I won't be stressing about bloodwork and needles and PIO shots. Instead I'll be praying to God for strength and guidance. We won't be walking down the path alone, and I'll know that when it does start to feel like too much, when I do start to stress, when the load just feels too damn heavy for me to carry myself, I can give it all up to Him and He'll carry it for me. And what a wonderful feeling that is!

So, with that I'll end and just tell you all that even though I haven't been posting, I still have been following you all on your own journeys. I've celebrated successes and mourned a few heartbreaking losses. I've prayed for all of you and will continue to do so. After all, we've got each other and I can't think of anyone I'd rather having standing along side me than you!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Feeling lost...

I've been on this road for over two years. It's the most stressful thing I've ever dealt with. The insecurities are bleeding into EVERY part of my life. I feel like I'm losing myself piece by piece, day by day. I feel left behind as everyone around me has started and some already completed their families. I feel broken and defective. I can't find the strength that I've relied on for so many other low points in my life.

I am just tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of hoping. Tired of that terrible high school feeling of being "dumped" every month when AF rears her ugly head. I was more hopeful than usual this month. I mean, we're doing IVF, why wouldn't I? You'd think I would have learned better by now. I wanted to believe. I can't anymore. Why me? Why all of us? Why does every friggin' month has to be so hurtful? Painful. Debilitatingly sad. Why hurt my husband, a loving and kind man who ADORES children, more than any man I've ever seen? He is so good and kind and God has given him a wife who cannot DO THIS! He cries with me at every period. And he tries to peel me off the floor every time and tells me he just KNOWS it's going to happen. When I know it will never. Not without majorly expensive medical miracles. We're not rich by any stretch of the word. This nightmare has made me into a jealous and not-nice-to-be-around person. I used to love to be around my friends and their babies/families. Now, I don't even talk to half of them anymore because..........because I'm THIS WAY now! I can't even bear to read the blogs of my fellow infertiles who have succeeded. I'm miserable and disgusted with myslef for feeling like this. Even when I'm "happy", it's fake. I live in Limbo. I don't even feel like me anymore.

I do believe in God, however, my faith has been rocked. There is no way to say it hasn't. We see so much gloom and doom in what people can do to their own children and we sit here trying and praying desperately for a baby to love and take care of. I cannot pray any more. I have found that when I try to pray I just stop. I ask the Holy Spirit to intercede for me as I am unable to. I hope that God can understand and help me get past these feelings of failure and loss.

Infertility has been the worst experience of my life. I'm not even sure it's worth everything I've been through at this point. I want a baby, but I miss the woman I used to be. I just don't know how to become her again. Being a parent and having a family was always a part of the picture for us. We were going to be parents. That's part of how I understood myself and my husband. And now, it may not happen. I'm a wife but I'm not a mother. So who am I now, and who is my husband, and are we really a family--can we be, without kids?

Saturday, February 28, 2009


How can a heart that feels so broken still be beating??

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Even though I have no hope that this cycle will result in a positive pregnancy test, I though this was kind of neat. Pregnancy test is scheduled for Saturday (CD26, 13DPO, 10dp3dt)...if I make it that far.


1dpt...embryo is growing and developing.
2dpt...embryo is now a blastocyst.
3dpt....blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day.
4dpt...blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining.
5dpt...implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining.
6dpt...implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining.
7dpt...morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells.
8dpt...placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood.
9dpt...more HCG is produced as fetus develops.
10dpt...more HCG is produced as fetus develops.
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT.

Friday, February 20, 2009

I need to remember this...

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other..." (Ecclesiastes 7:14).

Thursday, February 19, 2009


I couldn't think of an adequate enough title for this post. I'm over-tired from tossing and turning last night and I'm pretty much at a loss for words right now, so you'll have to forgive me.

So, an update...yesterday's transfer went fine. We got there and they had me start drinking and then took me back for the laser acupuncture. This we will definitely not get roped into doing again. It seemed to both of us that it was just another way for the place to make money. It didn't make me feel anymore relaxed and I got off the table feeling like I just got scammed for $200! After that it was back to the recovery room where we both changed and waited. There was an extremely annoying woman in the bed next to us, and honest to God, if I could have reached over and smacked her I would have! She was constantly yapping on her cell phone and then proceeded to argue with the Dr. about the number of embryos he recommended they put in. She wanted three, 2 that were Grade A and one that was Grade C, and he suggested just two. She then proceeded to tell him that she already had a son, he was an only child and didn't he understand how much that sucked. I kid you not, these were her exact words! Anyway, the Dr. won and they put in two, however she was still arguing with him on her way out the door! I swear, sometimes I just can't wrap my brain around how ungrateful some people are!

Anyway, back to our embies. The prognosis doesn't look great. Out of our four embies, two arrested between day 2 and 3, so when we got there yesterday we only had two left. And these two are just eh. Here they are...

By day 3, your embryos should be between 6-8 cells, and ours were only four. :::sigh::: The Dr. who did the transfer was so nice, but gave us about a 50% chance of success. I swear I heard him say 30%, but Hubby swears he said 50%. Could be Hubs is just trying to keep my hopes up. I go back for bloodwork to check my levels on Sunday, and then am scheduled for a pregnancy test on 2/28. So, there you have it. I am so sad. I feel defeated already and I haven't even finished the race yet. The "why me's" and "what ifs" are killing me today and I don't know what to do. I know that there's still a chance that the embryo's will catch up, but what if they don't? What if we just went through all this and we come out yet again with nothing to show for it? I'm so tired of being a statistic. I'm also having such a hard time giving this up to God. I know that He has a plan for us, I know that He will take care of us, but I'm feeling so resentful right now and I hate it. It took me long enough to get my head around moving onto IVF and, and well, I'm just sad today. I guess I just need a little reassurance and a lot of prayer...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Got the call this morning and today's THE day!!! I don't have much time to write, but I'm scheduled for laser acupuncture (yeah, how cool is that?) at 1:15 with the transfer immediately following! AAAAGGGGGHHHH!! The big day is finally here! I'm praying that all our hard work will pay off, and that God keeps our embies safe and sound! I'll try to update later with a pic of the embies, but in the mean time, prayers would be most welcome!!!!!

Monday, February 16, 2009

And it's lucky number....

FOUR!!! Out of our seven beauties, five were ICSI'd and we are now the proud parents of four beautiful embryos! Wow! I start the PIO shots tonight :::shudder:::, and as long as everything goes smoothly, they're looking at a 3 day transfer, which would be Wednesday! Holy crap!

Just wanted to thank all you lovelies out there for your thoughts, good wishes and prayers! Keep 'em coming!!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Today's the day!!!


Everything went off without a hitch! I was terrified for nothing, and let me tell you, that anesthesia was some goooood stuff! LOL!! Hubby said I came out talking about margaritas?? Haha!! More importantly, they retrieved SEVEN beautiful eggs!! We'll find out tomorrow how many fertilized, so please send up a few more prayers if can!

Yep, we're going in this morning at 8:30 for our 10:00 retrieval!!! I'm so excited, and yet terrified at the same time! We triggered on Friday night and two Ovid.rel's later we're finally ready! I can't believe the day is finally here. It's been such a long, hard road and I'm praying with everything I have that today produces our miracle and all that hard work finally pays off! I don't have much time for a long post right now, but if you could please send up some prayers and good wishes for us today, we would greatly appreciate it! Updates to follow, I promise!!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Can you spare a prayer?

My good friend and her husband are facing a tough road the next few days. They had their FET on 2/1 and a BFP on 2/8, however T's hCG levels just aren't doubling the way they should be and they fear that she's losing their baby(s). Please lift them up in prayer today. We're praying that their two little embies are snuggling in there for the long haul, however it looks bleak. I know they'll need their strength the get through the next few days. Hopefully, actually I know, that by giving it over to God, they will find the peace they need. Thanks!

"When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one as well as the other..."
(Ecclesiastes 7:14)

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Slow and steady...

wins the race, right? I sure hope so, because I've just about had enough of these daily/nightly sticks! I had more bloodwork and another ultrasound yesterday morning and every thing's progressing nicely. I only had two nice sized follies on the right ovary and I think there were four in the running on the left. I guess I just expected alot more, especially since I'm on such a high dose of the Foll.istim, but Dr. Wonderful assured me that all looked perfect. But honestly, don't these numbers seem low? We've upped the Foll.istim to 300iu's @ night and have added Ganir.elix into the mix now, so I'm now administering four shots a day. I am pretty proud of myself though, considering I am terrified of needles. We'll see if that courage lasts once we start the PIO shots...:::shudder:::! More bloodwork and another ultrasound tomorrow morning, and then hopefully they can give me a firmer timeline for retrieval. We'll see...

In other household news, Hubby is home putting in our new windows today!! Pretty exciting, especially since I'm convinced that the old one's are the original to the house (which is over 40 yrs old!) and if you stand in front of them you're sure to feel a nice breeze. He said he took before and afters, so maybe I'll post some later. We've done so much work to the house over the past year and a half, and it's really cool to see the transformations! Hmmm, maybe a little picture tour is in order?

And last and most important, my beautiful friend Nine over here welcomed her Peanut into the world yesterday!! Please take a minute to stop by and congratulate the new parents!!!

Monday, February 9, 2009

It's February already?

Settle in, cause this is a long one! I honestly can't believe how fast January passed us by, and as I sit at my desk this morning going over our IVF calendar, yes, I have a medication calendar and I'm slightly OCD, I can't believe that we're already into the second week of February! I don't know where the time slips away to?

Anywho, as usual I'm a slacker in the blog department. Only this time I really couldn't help it, honest! I wound up getting sick last week and was down in bed for four days! I'm not talking about a little sniffle and a sore throat, no way. I'm talking about raging headache, aches and pains, runny nose, watery eyes, sneezing, chills, hacking get the point. Hubby swears that I picked up something from the gym last Monday night, but honestly with everything that's been going around and the constant fluctuating temps here on the East coast, it's no wonder. I was able to get into the Dr. on Wednesday and get some meds, which he assured me would have no impact on our upcoming cycle. However, when I was still not feeling any better by Saturday, and upon looking at my bottle of medication, realized that I was supposed to be taking one pill, twice a day, rather than the one a day I had been taking. So, after correcting that little oops, I finally started to feel better yesterday. And now back to work...

On the more important IVF front, we're moving right along. I had my CD3 b/w and u/s on Thursday and started stims that night, along with Hubby starting the Doxycyc.line twice a day. For my new bloggie friend Ashley (Hi & welcome!!) who asked what the Doxy is for, it's given to the male partner during the wife’s stimulation cycle to further reduce the low levels of bacteria that may be found in the semen and which may compromise the performance of the sperm during an IVF cycle. It is also given to the female partner to reduce the risk of inferior following aspiration of the follicles at the time of egg retrieval. Whew, hope that answers your question. Oh, and I made the mistake of pumping 450iu's of Foll.istim into the belly all at once on the first night and have been paying for it since. The spot is so tender it's ridiculous! What was I thinking? Right now we're doing 450iu's of Foll.istim, 225 in the am and 225 in the pm, along with 15iu's of low dose HC.G. I seriously feel like a human pin cushion, and I'm telling you those HC.G shots burn something awful! A few minutes with the ice pack aftwerwards works wonders! I had more b/w and another u/s yesterday morning and everything looks good, estrogen was at 201 so we're moving right along. I have another one tomorrow morning and then we'll see...I'm thinking a possible retrieval this weekend? Oh, and my stinking nurse won't prescribe any EML.A cream for me, so anyone who might have some extra laying around, I sure would appreciate it over here when the time comes for thos PIO shots!

And lastly, congratulations are in order for two very special blogger buddies of mine who have recently gotten their coveted BFP's, Larissa and Jenn!! I'm so unbelievably happy for you both and can't wait to follow your journey to motherhood!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Could I be that lucky?

Okay, so I must admit that I G.oogle everything...yes, I'm addicted. I can't help it! I'm just always so amazed at what you can find out there in cyberspace.

Anywho, I just G.oogled in Eth.yl O.leate and found out that it's apparently the easiest proges.terone supplement out there to use, and that I can use a 25g needle to administer instead of the 22g. Sooo, I just left a message with our RN to see if she can call our pharmacy to change the order. I'm also going to ask her about EML.A Cream, which is a topical anesthetic I can use to numb the injection site beforehand. Has anyone had any experience with either one of these? I'm ready, willing and able to do anything I can to lessen the fear (and pain) I'm having over getting these darn shots!!

We're on our way!!

Well, I just ordered my meds for our IVF cycle! Here's the run-down of what we're getting...

For Me:
Medrol 16mg
Doxycycline 100mg
Ovidrel 250mcg
Follistim AQ 900iu
Low Dose hCG 10iu/0.15mls
Ganirelix 250 mcg/0.5ml
Progesterone in Ethyl Oleate 50 mg/ml
.5cc Insulin syringes x 10
22g 1" 3cc syringe & needle x 20

For Hubby:
Doxycycline 100mg

Hmmm, seems a little one-sided, doesn't it?

I was actually able to lessen some of the amounts that they had on my original script because my friend gave me all of her leftover meds from her last IVF, so generous! And it just happened to be the most expensive stuff, the Follistim, that's $150 a pop, with insurance!! I honestly feel for those out there that don't have insurance coverage, and I get down on my knees and thank God that we do! And on an even better note, I was able to down-grade the 22g needles that I'll be using for the PIO shots. Instead of the 1.5", the nurse said she'd change it to the 1"! I know, I know, it's only a half an inch, but that's half an inch that I won't have to stick in my bum and that makes all the difference to someone who's absolutley terrified of needles!! The BD fines on the Follistim, Ovidrel, hCG and Ganirelix are nothing compared to these suckers! Thank you God for giving me the strength to do this!

Lastly, I've also been tagged a few times by you lovelies, and have lots of other catching up to do, but it will have to wait. I promise a real update this weekend!

Love you guys!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Tears and hope...

I know I owe you all a "real" post, but work has been literally kicking my butt the past two weeks, and my whole family (and all our friends) have managed to get that nasty stomach bug that's going around. BLECH!!!

Anyway, I came across this video this past weekend and knew it was one I had to share! If you've got a few spare moments to watch, it's totally worth it! I'm praying with everything I have that for many of us, our arms won't be empty too much longer...

Tears and Hope Video

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Answered email...

First, thanks for all the prayers, thoughts and hugs from my post yesterday. You ladies are the best, and definitely help me keep my sanity while navigating the IF road!

So my RN has finally gotten around to answering the email I sent her yesterday morning explaining about the delay in getting my period. I go in tomorrow morning for a cycle-status check, which means bloodwork and an ultrasound. The bloodwork is to check hormone levels (to see where I'm at in my cycle) and the ultrasound is to check for any active cysts (producing hormone) that may be delaying the cycle (or corpus luteum that would show I've already ovulated). If my cycle is being delayed by a cyst, then they'll give me a shot of Ovidrel and my period should show up within two weeks. If it shows I've already ovulated then we wait. I'm really, really praying that it's not delayed due to a cyst. There were a few small ones spotted during my last cycle, so I'm praying that they haven't grown. But either way, it's out of my hands. He is in control and will carry me through whatever it turns out to be...

Is there anyone out there who's dealt with a similar situation?

Monday, January 12, 2009

Confusion sets in...

Not only am I wondering how on earth it can already be Monday again, I am wondering just when my period is going to decide to show up this month. I'm usually a solid 28 dayer, but now that it's CD32, I'm really scratching my head. I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning (knowing full well that I'm not pregnant) and am just waiting to hear back from our nurse to see what our next steps should be. When A & I had our follow-up with the Dr. last week, he said that if I hadn't started by Monday to let them know. I'm guessing they'll probably want me to come in for b/w and possibly prescribe Pro.metruim to get things moving. Why it is that the minute we decide to move onto the next step, the crazy redhead decides not to show up? It's just beyond frustrating!!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Looking for a little more inspiration?

I'm in awe of this man...her even quotes my favorite verse from Jeremiah. If you can devote a few minutes to watch him at work, please do (sorry about the subtitles).

"Circumstances do not have to change for you to become victorious, it's our heart that needs to be filled with the Holy Spirit."
~Nick Vujicic~

The strength to get back up...

I received an email from a very dear friend of mine this morning. Shannon (in yellow below) and I have been friends for over four years. We met through another couple and our "crew" became thick as thieves.

I've watched all these ladies get married, struggle through miscarriages, struggle with getting pregnant and celebrate the birth of each of their beautiful children. It's been an awesome experience and one I'm most humbled to be a part of. Shannon and her husband are now expecting their second child in July, and A and I truly couldn't be happier for them.

Anyway, back to my reason for posting...she sent me this email and as I was watching it through tears at my desk, I just knew I had to share it. What a connection it has to my first post of 2009! I really can't put into words what watching it does for me, but I'm hoping it does the same for you all out there who are struggling to navigate your own bumpy roads....take a look...

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Welcoming 2009 & letting hope in...

Welcome 2009! Really, I can't believe that the whole hubbub of the holiday season is over. Weren't we (me!) just all complaining about how hot it was, and going on and on about looking forward to cooler temps, and dare I say it....snow? Wasn't it just Halloween? It seems like time passes by so fast, and before we know it, we'll be welcoming Spring.

I can honestly say that I was more than happy to usher out 2008 and welcome in the new year! Even with all the heartache and disappointments of last year, there is a part of me that still holds out hope for so many things in 2009. And not just baby hope, but hope that God will continue to watch over my family, will continue to strengthen my marriage...hope that He'll continue to lead me down the path He has planned for me. In order for that hope to be my driving force, it's important for me to let the past be exactly what it is, the past. After all, I can't change what's happened, I can only learn from it and move on. But still, it's hard. The past creeps in when we're feeling vulnerable, it makes us second guess ourselves and our decisions. It's like the elephant in the corner, but I'm breaking free! Starting fresh! I can't promise that it will always be puppy dogs and rainbows. After all, that's not reality. But I can promise that I'll try. And with God by my side, how could I do anything but succeed?

Here's hoping that 2009 brings nothing but health and happiness to us all!