I've been on this road for over two years. It's the most stressful thing I've ever dealt with. The insecurities are bleeding into EVERY part of my life. I feel like I'm losing myself piece by piece, day by day. I feel left behind as everyone around me has started and some already completed their families. I feel broken and defective. I can't find the strength that I've relied on for so many other low points in my life.
I am just tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of hoping. Tired of that terrible high school feeling of being "dumped" every month when AF rears her ugly head. I was more hopeful than usual this month. I mean, we're doing IVF, why wouldn't I? You'd think I would have learned better by now. I wanted to believe. I can't anymore. Why me? Why all of us? Why does every friggin' month has to be so hurtful? Painful. Debilitatingly sad. Why hurt my husband, a loving and kind man who ADORES children, more than any man I've ever seen? He is so good and kind and God has given him a wife who cannot DO THIS! He cries with me at every period. And he tries to peel me off the floor every time and tells me he just KNOWS it's going to happen. When I know it will never. Not without majorly expensive medical miracles. We're not rich by any stretch of the word. This nightmare has made me into a jealous and not-nice-to-be-around person. I used to love to be around my friends and their babies/families. Now, I don't even talk to half of them anymore because..........because I'm THIS WAY now! I can't even bear to read the blogs of my fellow infertiles who have succeeded. I'm miserable and disgusted with myslef for feeling like this. Even when I'm "happy", it's fake. I live in Limbo. I don't even feel like me anymore.
I do believe in God, however, my faith has been rocked. There is no way to say it hasn't. We see so much gloom and doom in what people can do to their own children and we sit here trying and praying desperately for a baby to love and take care of. I cannot pray any more. I have found that when I try to pray I just stop. I ask the Holy Spirit to intercede for me as I am unable to. I hope that God can understand and help me get past these feelings of failure and loss.
Infertility has been the worst experience of my life. I'm not even sure it's worth everything I've been through at this point. I want a baby, but I miss the woman I used to be. I just don't know how to become her again. Being a parent and having a family was always a part of the picture for us. We were going to be parents. That's part of how I understood myself and my husband. And now, it may not happen. I'm a wife but I'm not a mother. So who am I now, and who is my husband, and are we really a family--can we be, without kids?
Thursday, March 5, 2009
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18 comments:
Kristi,
OMG! I can totally relate to everything you wrote! I too am struggeling with the woman I have become ... it sucks! I can hardly stand the person Infertility has turned me into ... it is affecting my relationships with friends, family and colleagues. Today is my 37th birthday (not that it is a happy time) and I am an emotional mess about the fact I am 37 and not a mom yet, with a huge potential that it won't ever happen. Thanks for finding my blog and I think we have a lot in common:(
I am sorry. ((HUGS)) I don't like the person I have become either. Its just so hard. Infertility just sucks.
Oh Kristi....I know that this is the hardest burden to bear. And what makes is even more grueling is that we have no idea when the end is coming. Not only are you asked to be the strongest that you can be every day, but you are given no hope of an end date; no idea of when you will be rescued and you can quit being superwoman and go back to being just plain ol' you. It's like being stuck in the middle of a tunnel that you know has an end and a beginning, but being stuck in the dead middle without any light.
I know you don't want to become a bitter person who loses their love for life and children and families. I know that you just want to have a family; a child for you and your hubby to love and celebrate. But there has to come a point you ask yourself "at what cost" is all this? When we tried our IF treatments, we both agreed that we didn't want to become so obsessed with them that we lost ourselves and our lives; that we became different people and that it was all we thought about. If you are at that point, maybe it's time you took a break. Gave yourself and hubby some time to regroup and reconnect; some time to laugh again and see each other through old eyes and not pain-filled ones. Conception is supposed to be a wonderful and exciting thing, no matter how it comes about. Maybe a break is exactly what you two need to just reset and either get back into the game full force again, or perhaps find that you actually are ready for a different path now. But either way, you need a new well to draw your strength from. And that well needs a chance to refill. Even if it were only a month off, you will be amazed at what a difference it makes when you aren't sharing your evenings over shots and instead are just cuddled up on the couch watching a movie. You just need to be together and not have conceiving on the brain for a bit. Seriously...it's ok to set down your burden for a little bit. You will be better for it.
I'm really, really sorry things have been so hard and I hope that something I've said has been helfpul. Or if not, maybe it'll give you an excuse to vent. ;) That would be good too. Take care.
Erica
Your are a Child of God and He loves you. I know it doesn't feel that way now but you must believe that He has a plan and purpose in all this FOR YOUR GOOD. Trust Him, cling to Him alone, dive into the word of God and fix your eyes upon Jesus. This is the only way I am surviving my infertility battle. Praying for you.
Kristi-
I could have written this word for word. I'm sorry you are in such a low place. It's so ridiculous that the thing we want most is what tears us down and alienates us from "normal" people.
It's so hard to believe that things will get better when you have something huge like this happen, but I can tell from your blogging that your faith is deep and that you will pick yourself back up.
Please know that you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
-Rachel
Oh Hun, I'm so sorry your feeling this way. Your right, infertility SUCKS...BAD. But please remember that GOD is GOOD, and He's there for us anytime we need him...in the good times and the bad. It's really hard to see a lot of the times, but He really does have a plan and I know that plan includes a baby in your future! NOW is the time that we need our FAITH the MOST!! So don't let go...I have some really good scriptures I can send you if you would like to e-mail me (Tab2710@aol.com) You'll be in my prayers! (((HUGS)))
Oh Kristi, my heart is breaking for you. I also feel like your words could have come from my mouth and it pains me to know you are feeling such pain.
I am praying for you, now more than ever. I pray you find strength, I pray that you find comfort, and I pray that God provides for you.
I wish that I could say or do something to make things better but I can't. IF just sucks. There is no way around it. 6 months ago I was in your shoes - questioning how we were still not pregnant even after IVF and convinced that it would never happen for us. It sucks. I am praying for your miracle. You are stronger than you know and you will get through this
My heart is so sad for you right now! Its so incredibly heart breaking month after month and being so tired of trying...Just wanted to say I'm praying for you and thinking of you :)
well, i can definitely relate to all of this. sounds like we got married around the same time, started seeing an re around the same time, and even had iui's around the same time. my second iui was canceled due to a thin uterine lining, i'm hoping that was from the clomid i was on at the time. i had a laparoscopy in november and i've been suppressed ever since, but suppression is almost over and af should be visiting sometime soon, hopefully things will look better now that i'm no longer on clomid. i am sorry to hear about all your heartache, i hope you can get through it.
Hi Kristi,
Thanks for leaving your comment on my blog. I have been reading your blog and I am so sorry to read of all that you have been going through.
Your blog has really touched me as I can relate to what you are going through. I'll be following your journey and praying for you.
I know all the horrible feelings you are experiencing. I am so sorry for your pain. Infertility is one of the most emotionally difficult things anyone ever has to deal with. Please know you are not alone and keep hope that it will work out for you one day very soon. x
Hey Kristi,
I just wanted to swing by and see how you are doing. I'm thinking of you. Caroline
This post is so beautifully and heartbreakingly written.
When i've gone through the really really dark times in my own life, it ended up stripping away a lot of the stuff i thought i knew about God... & what we're left with is simple truth - that there *is* a God - & that He is Good... All the stuff about 'if there's a God, He'll make sure i'm happy' - just isn't true - He's got *more* in store for us than just our physical happiness.
i can't even begin to imagine the hurt that infertility brings into your life - Keep wrestling out your faith with fear and trembling - God sees you, He hears you & He has compassion.
Hey Kristi, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. Hope you are doing alright. Know that you are loved and being lifted in prayer.
Hey there!
So happy to find your blog.
You must be reading my mind, because you've said it all, sooooo well.
I'm so depressed that I barely blog anymore, but I'll keep reading yours.
Hang in there, sister!
Erin
My heart breaks for you. I feel it so deeply because I have totally been there. Yesterday while with new friends who have a son 2 months older than ours we somehow got on the topic of how exactly we got our Brighton. The adoption attempts, the money loss, the feeling like death day after day, the IVF and finally our happy ending.
I realized how easily we could just talk about it now but just a little over a year ago it was crushing every ounce of me.
Little did I know that as our new friends were learning about us, The wife went on to tell me that she had lost a baby prior to her son at 22w. We both had gone through unbearable times and yet there we were just pushing our sons in our strollers on the way to the park and you'd never have known it by looking at us.
I don't exactly know why I'm writing this because I know for certain it doesn't make what you're going through NOW any easier, but I promise you PROMISE, one day when you have your baby, you will look back and you will feel such hope and peace. You will feel joy and love, and this crushed, broken daily devastation, will truly feel like a thing of the past.
I'm sorry it's still a thing of your present, but I pray SOON it will be the former!
Wow..just came across your blog...well put!! I have babies all around me!! The girl you speak of, lives next door to me! Has one girl and if I could slap her I would...but anyways!! You said it all!! And by reading some of the comments left we are not alone.
I have 2 stepchildren so I 'kind-of' get to be a mom but I swear it is worse because EVERYONE asks, "So when are you having some of your own?, or I love this one..You don't have any, why not?" Well, let me explain...yah right they don't have enough time for me to tell them...
The best one yet it when my husband's captains (he is a firefighter) wife let me know that I should have started ealier, that is what God had intended to happen. Haven't spoken to her since. And I CLEARLY told my husband that I will not either...I am not going to be the 'good one' in this situation...NO WAY!!!
Ok....enough I could go on and on!!
Diane
But you are NOT ALONE!!!
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