I am not in control...

Settle in because this is a long one...

No matter how much I'd like to think I am, the truth is that I'm not. In fact, not even my wonderful RE and nurse are in control. It's tough coming to grips with that. It's even harder letting go and putting all my trust in someone I've never even met yet...well, face to face anyway.

I'll get all the crappy news out of the way first. Our cycle was cancelled yesterday. Yes, my friends. My body just can't seem to do anything right. Well, that's what I kept telling myself on the drive home from the RE's office yesterday morning. I admit I was a sobbing, runny nosed, hiccuping mess. You know the kind of hiccups you get when you're crying so hard...yep, I had them. Through my tears I cursed my body and I cursed the doctor's who over-stimmed me. I raised an angry fist to the Heavens and screamed "why me"? I had a real pity party for myself. It was quite pathetic.

Here's the dirt, after responding beautifully for six days, and producing the most perfect follies I've ever seen (IMO anyway), the dummies over-stimmed me. I had a perfect, almost 18mm follie on Friday, and by the time yesterday morning arrived, I had two follies at 20mm and two at 19mm, along with two other's at 16mm. Way too many to proceed with the IUI's. In fact, the doctor looked at me and said that the main thing to do this month was NOT get pregnant...the risk of multiples was just too high and if I did by some miracle get pregnant, then "we'd" have to talk about selective reduction. Um, excuse me, but that would NEVER be an option for me. Anywho, after giving him a right piece of my mind and letting the tears flow, I just sat there stunned. The whole reason we're going there IS TO GET PREGNANT! I've become a human pin cushion, taken more drugs in the past two months than I have in the last ten years, had almost every day dates with the "magic wand", and now you're telling me that just because I've produced too many eggs that this month is a bust? Waiting another month, to them, is nothing. But to us "infertiles" who live our lives in two weeks increments, a month seems like a lifetime. So, I got dressed and got the heck out of there. The nurse called later, and I somehow missed her call. She left a message telling me that the doctor wanted to prescribe me Prometrium to bring on my period and that we could start a new cycle right away. And then it hit me....

Who's really in control here? Me? Them?

The answer is....neither. I prayed so hard yesterday. I prayed for guidance, answers, anything. I was scared, confused and felt so alone. I needed something, but what? So, I got myself ready and went to church. Now, I haven't been to church since Dad's memorial in August. And I haven't been to Mass in, oh geez, probably ten years. I got a very bitter taste in my mouth about the Catholic church after my divorce. Oh wait, you guys don't know about that. Yes, I was married before...long story short, I suffered through four and a half years of living hell with an emotionally abusive husband. Anyway, ever since then Church and me haven't been on the best of terms. I mean, I don't really need to go to Church to talk to God, right? I can do that in my own home, or in my car or wherever. So I went. I went looking for that something. And I found it...I found my peace and then I realized that God is in control. There are reasons for everything, and maybe, just maybe this was my something. So I let it all go and I'm letting God make the decisions. Yes, we're upset that this cycle to "them" was a bust, but to us it's not. I'm NOT taking the Prometrium and A and I are trying for our miracle the old-fashioned way this month. Any maybe, just maybe it will happen. But if it doesn't, I'm okay with that too. Because I've let it go and I'm letting God take the reins.

"'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
(Mark 9:23).