Starting over...

Wow, I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post. No, I haven't been in hiding, just trying to take the time necessary to grieve our failed IVF and try to re-focus. First though, before I even attempt to catch you all up on the last few weeks, I have to say thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I knew that I had made a few good blog buddies out there, but I was so humbled by the comments, prayers and words of strength you ladies gave me. To know that so many of you lovely women took the time out of your day to comfort a "stranger" really touched my heart...in more ways than you'll ever know, and for that I owe my deepest gratitude's. We are all such strong women, and to know that I have the support of so many of you is and honor and quite an awesome feeling. I have so been blessed...thanks!

Whew, now that that's out of the way let's get down to business. I'm not going to linger on our failed IVF. I did that in my last post and I won't repeat it. What's past is past and there's nothing we can do to change that. The only thing we can do is keep moving forward. What I will say though, is that everything leading up to that negative beta (for me anyway) was small in comparison to what I felt when they confirmed it didn't work. Saying that I was devastated doesn't even seem to cut it. It literally felt like I had lost a loved one, which in reality I guess we did. I had so many different emotions running through me. Everything from anger to depression to failure. I raised an angry fist to God and screamed why me? Why us? I questioned everything we did and didn't do, hoping to find something, anything that I could blame it all on. Hubby took the news differently though. Yes, he was upset and sad, but somehow he was able to put a positive spin on all the negative. Positive? What's positive about this, I asked myself? But once I really sat down and listened to what he had to say, and the things he was feeling, I got it! And now that a few weeks have passed and I've had time to clear my head, I know that it's not anyone's fault. It was just the luck of the draw. We had just as much of a chance at making this work as anyone else, and who am I to question what God has planned for me? For us? I'm just a very small grain of sand on a big beach. So what I will do, what we will do, is get up, dust ourselves off and try this again. Because I know in my heart that someday, no matter the road we take to get there, we WILL have a baby! We WILL have a family! We WILL be a success story!

And, speaking of beaches, Hubby went and booked an anniversary trip for us to the Do.mini.can Repu.blic!! We're going to Pu.nta Ca.na in May!!! Nothing but sun, sand, drinks on the beach, feet dipped in the surf and time for us to focus on US!! I can't think of a better way to recharge our batteries in anticipation of our second IVF cycle! Yes, we will be doing this again. We had our follow-up with Dr. D yesterday and decided that we'll get back on the horse at the end of May, early June, depending on when my cycle starts. We went over everything from the last cycle and it really wasn't as bad as we thought. I responded great to the meds, my lining was good, ovaries produced the average amount of eggs for a woman my age and the embryo quality on the two they put back in were Grade 1. He said that just because the were only four cells on day three didn't mean they couldn't catch up once they were put back into the uterus. That is, after all, the most natural place for them to be.

So, all in all I do feel much better about everything. We'll be making a fresh start with cleared heads. I know that the second time around will be much different. I'll be able to let go of alot of the stress of the unknown's I had with the first cycle since we've already done it. I won't be stressing about bloodwork and needles and PIO shots. Instead I'll be praying to God for strength and guidance. We won't be walking down the path alone, and I'll know that when it does start to feel like too much, when I do start to stress, when the load just feels too damn heavy for me to carry myself, I can give it all up to Him and He'll carry it for me. And what a wonderful feeling that is!

So, with that I'll end and just tell you all that even though I haven't been posting, I still have been following you all on your own journeys. I've celebrated successes and mourned a few heartbreaking losses. I've prayed for all of you and will continue to do so. After all, we've got each other and I can't think of anyone I'd rather having standing along side me than you!