Chasing My Fairy Godmother...

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW)

2010-04-29T08:24:00.009-04:00

As so many of us know, but for those that don't, April 24th through May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week! NIAW is a movement to raise awareness about the disease of infertility which affects 7.3 million Americans. 1 in 8 people are dealing with or have dealt with infertility. It's a crisis not often understood or discussed, but has a huge impact on that person's life!

Most people still think that infertility is all in your head. That it isn't a real problem and that it certainly isn't something you go to the doctor about. They tend to think you should just relax and let it happen. For those of us who suffer or have suffered fertility challenges, we know that there is more to it than that.

National Infertility Awareness Week is a time for people to see that infertility is a prominent problem facing one out of every six American couples. It's not something whispered about by women anymore and it's definitely not just a woman's problem. The causes of infertility are split evenly over the male and female problem. As family and friends of a fertility-challenged person, it is important for you to show support! Please remember that the vast majority of infertile couples have minimal control of the diseases that causes their infertility. Giving them emotional support during this trying time is a wonderful way to assist them! During National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), please take a moment to learn a little more about this debilitating disease so many of us face!

Visit RESOLVE to connect with others and find out how you can make a difference!

This Is My Prayer

2010-04-29T07:58:00.004-04:00

Dear Lord,

I thank You for this day.
I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning.
I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God.
You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me.
Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to You.
I ask now for Your forgiveness.
Please keep me safe from all danger and harm.
Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude.
Let me make the best of each and every day; to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.
Please broaden my mind so that I can accept all things.
Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.
Let me continue to see sin through God's eyes and acknowledge it as evil.
And when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing and receive the forgiveness of God.
And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example - to slip away and find a quiet place to pray.
It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits.
I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart.
Continue to use me to do Your will.
Continue to bless me so that I may be a blessing to others.
Keep me strong so that I may help the weak.
Keep me uplifted so that I may have words of encouragement for others.
I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way.
I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood.
I pray for those that don't know you intimately.
I pray for those that don't believe. But I thank You that I believe.
I believe that God changes people and God changes things.
I pray for all my sisters and brothers.
For each and every family member in their households.
I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes; that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.
I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance or situation greater than God.
Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.
I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them, and every mouth that confesses them willingly.
This is my prayer.
In Jesus' name, Amen.

Keeping Hope alive in 2010...

2010-02-09T10:18:00.015-05:00

Dear Friends,

Where does the time go? It literally passes in the blink of an eye, and I'm finding it hard to believe that it's been almost four months since my last post. Our journey these past three and a half years has certainly been one full of excitement and disappointment, prayers, anxiety, true despair and heartache. And while we've had our share of ups and downs, we know that it's also been a journey filled with love, hope and faith. So much has happened within these last four months, and we hope & pray that the choices we've made going forward are the one's that will allow us to reach our dreams of having a family.

I'll share more of what we've been up to in another post, but for now we just wanted to say thank you, dear friends for sticking it out with us during the rough times and celebrating the good ones as well. Thank you for your support, your hope and your prayers when we needed it the most. We are happy to leave 2009 behind. It was a challenging year (to say the least). We hope & pray that 2010 is a better one, and until our dreams are realized we continue to be grateful, blessed and thankful for all that we have TODAY!

The Quilt of Holes

2009-10-19T11:04:00.018-04:00

Hello friends...it's been a long time since my last post, and I hope this finds all of you happy & healthy. Life in general over the past few months has been good. We are just trying to live each day to it's fullest, and appreciate all that we have. Our last failed IVF was nothing short of heartbreaking, and while I do owe you all a proper update, today is just not the day.

I had a very good friend send this to me last Friday, and it really hit home. If you have a few moments to read it, I know you'll enjoy it too...

The Quilt of Holes

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

As my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw that the hardships I endured were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose, each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter, but there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.

Then I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.

Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you....'

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!

"God determines who walks into your life...but it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."

Friday morning...

2009-07-17T09:45:00.004-04:00

Nothing like getting a call first thing in the morning telling you something you already knew. Jesus, this sucks! Another heart break, another failure. I really don't have much else to say, but just wanted to thank you all for your prayers and encouragement over the past few weeks...it really means alot.

One word...

2009-07-16T06:53:00.000-04:00

negative. That's all I've got...

To test, or not to test?

2009-07-15T14:18:00.004-04:00

That is the question? I'm still debating on whether to POAS prior to Friday's blood draw. Actually, I'm terrified. Hubby is a stressed-out wreck, and keeps telling me how guilty he's feeling about going away for the weekend. That's probably why he keeps telling me I should test early. Like I said yesterday, part of me wants to and part of me doesn't. I just want to hold onto that little shred of hope as long as I can, I guess. If I test tomorrow, I'll be 10dp3dt, Friday would be 11dp3dt. Another consideration, morning or evening? What do you ladies think? I really value your opinions, so any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!!

The Waiting Game

2009-07-14T10:48:00.018-04:00

Yup, that's exactly what I'm playing right now and I hate it! I wish time would just stage right and fast forward to Friday, but alas, I'm not that lucky! I'm 8dp3dt and I got nothing! Well, I mean besides the soreness from the progesterone shots, which seem to be giving me a lot of heartache this time around, I've had a bit of heartburn, some fatigue and some cramping on Saturday and Sunday, but that's it and they're all normal PMS symptoms for me, I might add. It's 'technically' CD28 and I'm a to-the-date kind of girl. However, I'm chalking up the lack of AF symptoms to the fact that I "ovulated" much later than usual this month. And so we wait....tick, tock, tick, tock...

Hubby will be leaving late Friday morning for an all weekend bachelor party , which means he won't be home when the news comes in. Devastating if it's yet another negative! I've told my girlfriend that if she sees me trying to drown myself in our front yard sprinkler to come and save me! I do have a bachelorette party myself on Saturday night, so I can always drown my sorrows there, but you know, I'd really like to NOT be partaking in the alcohol consumption. I asked Hubby if he thought I should test before Friday and he said yes. He voted for Thursday, me for Friday morning. Either way, I'm not yet sure what I'll do. Part of me wants to know, and yet part of me wants to hold on to the not knowing as long as I can. Does that make sense? I guess I'm really just so damn afraid of disappointment again, that I'd rather just not know anything at all until Friday. Not knowing means that I can still hold out hope until they call. Not know means that I still have a chance. All my faith is in God, and we're praying with everything we have that this time it's our turn.

"God always gives His best to
those that leave the choice with Him."
~Anonymous~.

Playing Catch-up....

2009-07-09T18:42:00.010-04:00

Hello friends, yes, I have been a very bad blogger. I must confess...it's been over a week since my trigger post, and I have absolutely no excuse for NOT posting other than sheer laziness! I'm not sure how I let that much time get away from me, but as I was sitting having lunch today I realized that I had, and that I had missed posting our retrieval and transfer updates? Hmmm, I hope it's not too late!

So, to catch up, we triggered last Thursday night and had our transfer on Friday morning. Here I was thinking that it was going to be another piece of cake, and boy was I wrong. Well, actually to be quite honest the retrieval itself was uneventful, but I wound up having a bad reaction to the anesthesia this time around and came out hysterically sobbing. I also managed to rip the oxygen mask off and fling it behind the bed...yes folks, all while still being completely out of it. Let me tell you that when Hubby told me what I did I was mortified, to say the least! I did read somewhere that sometimes anesthesia can give you nightmares while you're out and you will wake up not remembering them, so perhaps that's what happened? Needless to say, Hubs thought it was quite funny, and I sat there the rest of the time wanting to kick him. I did also have some major cramping and pretty bad gas pains afterwards, but nothing a hot pack and some Tylenol with Codeine couldn't cure. So anyway, by the time of retrieval I had 18 follies, out of which they got 6 mature eggs (one less than we had last time). We left there pretty happy with those results and praying that we'd have some fighters!!

On Saturday we were called with our fertilization report, and out of the 6 we had four fertilize!! I dropped to my knees praising God, and we spent the rest of the weekend hoping those four would make it to transfer.

We got our call Monday morning that our transfer was scheduled for 12:15, so we knew some of them must have made it. However, the nurses can't tell you anything until you get there, which honestly, I think is just ridiculous! I mean, come on! Anyway, 12:15 sharp I started to drink and we were brought back to recovery. I drank, and drank, and drank. They came in with the portable ultrasound to make sure my bladder was full, told the doctor we were ready to go, and in he came...out of our four, three had made it!! Out of those three, one was six cells and two were five cells!! Here they are in all their glory...

So all in all, MUCH better results this time around. There was 30% fragmentation on one of the five cells (left), but the other two looked great. He suggested putting back in all three, so that's what we did and now we wait! I go in tomorrow morning to have my hormone levels checked and then a pregnancy test next Friday.

Sooo, other than hitting a vein in my butt cheek the other night while doing my progesterone shot (Holy pain!!!) and some random heartburn, I'm feeling pretty good! We're just trying to take it day by day and stay calm. At this point in time, I can't even picture myself pregnant anymore, so if it does happen it will be a shock. Either way, we know that we have no control over the results. It's already decided what will happen by the Big Guy upstairs, so why get ourselves all worked up? That's not to say that if the test is negative we won't be upset, but I'm just feeling so much more at peace with this cycle. Not sure if it's partly due to the acupuncture or something else, but it's strange and comforting. So my dears, I'll leave you with that and with my sincerest thanks for all your prayers and well wishes! It's true that prayer really does work!

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."
(Psalm 94:19).

TRIGGER Happy!!

2009-07-01T17:02:00.016-04:00

Well, after 13 DAYS of stimming we've finally made it to trigger day!! Estrogen was perfect at 2,523 and progesterone was at 0.5. Two Ovidrel tonight at 9:30 on the dot, and retrieval is scheduled for Friday morning at 8:00!!! Here's where we stand today, and I might add that somewhere along the line I've managed to gain an add'l 5 FOLLIES...no idea how that happened, but praise God nonetheless!!!!

"Righty"
2 @ 10mm
1 @ 13mm
1 @ 15mm
3 @ 17mm
1 @ 19mm
1 @ 20mm

"Lefty"
4 @ 10mm
2 @ 13mm
1 @ 15mm
1 @ 17mm
1 @ 18mm

Sooo, one last monitoring appointment tomorrow morning and then it's on like Donkey Kong! Lol! I'll also be visiting St. Gerard again tomorrow, and have another acupuncture appointment as well. I'm covering all bases this time! With that being said, if you have a moment to spare this evening, please lift us up in prayer. We can use all we can get over the next few days!!

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in Him."
(Jeremiah 17:7).

Almost there...

2009-06-30T14:05:00.008-04:00

Well, as of 1:47 this afternoon, I am happy to say that we're almost to the end of the stimming phase!! Praise God and hallelujah, because this Lupron has turned me into a walking zombie with a daily migraine, blech!! I'm scared, nervous and hopeful all at the same time. I've somehow allowed Hope to creep in there again. How is beyond me, but I'm feeling so at peace this cycle, that I'm guessing that's why. Anyway, here's where we stand today...

"Righty"
1 @ 14mm
3 @ 15mm
1 @ 16mm
1 @ 17mm

"Lefty"
2 @ 10mm and under
3 @ 11mm-13mm
1 @ 15mm
1 @ 18mm

More blood work and another ultrasound tomorrow morning, and then we should be triggering tomorrow night! WOW!! There was a moment this morning where they thought that might happen tonight, but Dr. Wonderful is banking on the "cluster" of follies in my left ovary to surge ahead tonight with the last of the stims. He explained to me that while we do have some pretty good, larger sized follies on each ovary, he's hoping he can get 'ol Lefty to catch up. All in all, I'm pretty happy with these numbers and am just praying that we're able to get some quality eggs from them. At this point in time, I'm praying for quality over quantity. We have about the same number of follies as last time, so we'll see. I'm crossing everything!

Saturday...

2009-06-27T23:47:00.006-04:00

Well, I knew this post could go one of two ways, and I'm glad to say that as of this morning's blood work and ultrasound...WE HAVE GROWTH!! Praise God!! Here's the run down:

"Righty" (usually referred to as "Lazy Righty")
5 @ 12mm
2 @ 13mm

"Lefty" (usually referred to as "Superstar"...not so much this time)
4 @ 10mm
2 @ 13mm

I go back in for b/w and u/s Tuesday morning, and Nurse Sweetie Pie anitcipates that we'll probably be taking the Ovidrel on either Tuesday or Wednesday...gaaaahhhh!!! Now we're just praying for continued growth, resulting in good quality eggs. On Friday afternoon, I made a trek to the shrine of St. Gerard with my good friend K :::waves Hi!:::, and it looks like prayers DO get answered!

Please Lord, continue to watch over us as we walk this path to parenthood. We know that with You, all things are possible.

""Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it, and it will be yours."
(Mark 11:22, 24).

Worrying & Acupuncture

2009-06-26T10:18:00.014-04:00

Happy Friday everyone!! I am so glad this work week is almost over...whew! I'm really looking forward to spending some quality time with the Hubby this weekend! Work has been so busy for him since the Spring, and he's finally getting a whole weekend off, YAY!! I have a birthday brunch for my SIL Sunday morning and then my niece's pool party that afternoon, and I'm thinking maybe a date night tomorrow? I'm itching to see Transfor.mers, so we'll see...

Anyway, I've been hesitant to post an update from my blood work and ultrasound on Wednesday. Mostly because there's not much to update you guys on. Somewhere in between Monday and Wednesday I've managed to "lose" 2 follicles. How, you might be asking yourself, is that possible? I have no idea. I'm chalking it up to the fact that, with our clinic, you pretty much see a different Dr. every time you go for morning monitoring and they all read the ultrasounds differently. I voiced my concerns to our Nurse, because lets face it, I need all the follies I can get, and she said the same thing. Strike two - there wasn't any progress, growth wise, with the follies and that had me really concerned. Again, my Nurse tried to assure me that it was still a little early to see follicle growth. With our first IVF cycle, we did have a little growth by CD8, but not a big difference. Seriously though? I'm pumping enormous amounts of drugs into my body and nothing? I'm trying to stay positive, and remind myself that you only need ONE egg to get the job done, but I'm just.so.scared. What if I go in tomorrow and I'm still stuck with follies <10? What if they wind up cancelling our cycle? What if we've spent all this money, yet again, and I still wind up not having anything to show for it? I mean, you guys know how it goes...the questions just go on, and on, and on...I know that there's really nothing I can do about it. It is what it is, and I'm just going to try and give it up to God and let Him be in control. Oh, yeah and also trying to just breeeeaaathe!!!

Okay, so enough Debbie Downer for today....

Onto my acupuncture appointment. Let me just say this, for those of you who have never done it or are scared to do it...DO IT!!! Even if not for "fertility" reasons, just give it a chance and I promise you that you will not be disappointed! Of course, I was a little nervous when I arrived at the office, but Dr. K really took the time to talk me through everything. She took a complete medical history, measured my pulse and explained everything that was going to happen. She wound up putting about 20 needles into various parts of my body, really focusing on the fertility aspect of it. She also put a heat lamp over my abdomen once she had all the needles in, and let me tell you, it was heaven!! Apparently, a warm abdomen helps to promote a snuggly uterus, which in turn helps with embryo implantation. Who knew! There was one instance where she put a needle into my hand that wasn't exactly pleasant, but she remedied it right away and explained that certain needles can feel "heavier" in parts of the body that carry more stress. Anyway, I wound up falling asleep, that's how relaxed I was. I woke up refreshed and with so much energy, and have been sleeping like a baby ever since! We're going to work a little more on stress management next week, and she even said we might have some time for a neck massage! Woohoo!!

Soooo, this post turned out a lot longer that I had anticipated, but I do feel much better now! I hope all you lovelies out there have a beautiful weekend, and if you can, send up a few prayers for us!

SQUEEEEE!!!

2009-06-25T07:33:00.001-04:00

So I just found out that they've moved the release date for Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince up to July 15th!! Gaaaah, I can't wait!!! This movie looks to be one of the best ones yet!! Here's a peek...

Sisterhood Award

2009-06-24T12:00:00.002-04:00

A while ago I received the "Sisterhood Award" from my dear bloggie friend Osuraj. Who, I might add, has just gotten her coveted BFP!! Please take a minute to visit her blog, congratulate her and show her some love and support today! I know I've dragged my feet in passing it along, but no better time than the present, I say.

Anyway, I was thinking...the last time I received an award, I nominated some folks who never even acknowledged the award. Even after leaving a message on their blogs. Maybe those who didn't respond and pass it along didn't feel honored, or felt like it was a burden. I'm sorry for that. I hate to obligate anyone with an award.

So, that in turn made me rethink this whole award thing: are they a good thing or are they not? I think they are a good thing. Blogging takes a lot of work and time, and it is lovely to be recognized for your efforts. I want to thank those who stop by my blog, read what I write and who continually offer their prayers, love and support. Even while going through their own struggles. These awards are a lovely thing and a good way to share good feelings, so I hope that those I tag will accept this award in the spirit in which it is given: attitude and/or gratitude.

The "guidelines" state that you should nominate at least 10 blogs who fit this bill. Hmmm, what to do, what to do? I know in doing this, I will most assuredly leave out a number of people who have been good "sisters". "Sisters" who have not forgotten me, even though I haven't been the best bloggie friend lately. There are so many of you who have shown us so much love and support since this blog was started, so please forgive me if I've inadvertently left anyone out!

The guidelines for this award are:

Put the logo on your blog or post.

Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.

Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.

Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I nominate the following people and their inspiring blogs:

Our Baby Wish

Faith Hope and Love

Think (+) Positive

Love, Pain & the Whole Crazy Thing

Hoping for our own Peanut

Infertility Demons

Jason and Amber

Caroline...Infertile in fertile world

Baby....Maybe

Journey to a "Wondraful" Baby

Meds 101

2009-06-24T07:50:00.000-04:00

I know that for most of us IF'ers out there, we're more than familiar with all the different medications used prior to, during and after an IVF cycle. I know that when we started our first cycle, I had so many questions that needed answering. I was scared, nervous and excited all at the same time!

For those newcomer's out there, I thought it might be beneficial to do a post explaining what the "typical" IVF meds are. So, without further ado, here's a little more information as to what each one is used for during a "typical" IVF cycle. Please keep in mind that everyone is different, and your protocol may/may not include all these. I've also included some other meds that come into play as well throughout the cycle...

Estrace/Estradiol (oral) - I couldn't find a really good definition of this, other than that it's used to treat conditions due to menopause (eg, hot flashes; vaginal itching, burning, or dryness), treating vulval or vaginal atrophy, and preventing osteoporosis (brittle bones). It is also used for estrogen replacement therapy after failure of the ovaries and to relieve the symptoms of breast cancer. Not sure what it's exactly used for in conjunction with IVF. Hmmm, anybody?

Microdose Lupron (subcutaneous inj) - initially accelerates the pituitary gland and then stops it from producing LH and FSH the two hormones responsible for egg development and ovulation), allowing for a controlled stimulation cycle prior to IVF. The low-dose preparation has the ability to stimulate rather than suppress the ovaries. This is used for "poor responders." Usually, five, ten or twenty units is given daily as prescribed during the cycle. It may be overlapped with birth control pills for 3-7 days.

Low-dose hCG (subcutaneous inj) - used as a replacement for LH to help supplement the stimulation during ART cycles. When administered as an injection to a non-pregnant woman, hCG acts the same way that luteinizing hormone (LH) does. The advantage is that hCG lasts a lot longer in the body than LH does and therefore has a more reliable, consistent effect. Because of these features, hCG is much more potent than LH.

Follistim (subcutaneous inj) - used to induce or enhance ovulation, or, to super-stimulate the ovaries. Follistim contains follicle stimulating hormone (FSH), a naturally occurring hormone. FSH is important in the development of follicles (eggs) produced by the ovaries. Generally started on the second, third, fourth or fifth day of the cycle, and continued for 7 to 12 days or longer if the ovary responds slowly. Gonal-F, Bravelle, Pergonal and Repronex can also be put in this category.

Ganirelix (subcutaneous inj) - GnRH antagonist that immediately suppress luteinizing hormone (LH). This medication is initiated during the later part of the stimulation cycle when the follicles begin to increase in size. Cetrotide can also be used.

hCG ("trigger shot")(subcutaneous inj) - causes the eggs to complete the maturation process. This is taken only once in the cycle. Release of the eggs should occur about 36-46 hours after the shot. Timing this shot is vital! If it's given too early, the eggs will not have matured enough. If given too late, the eggs may be “too old” and won't fertilize properly. The daily ultrasounds at the end of your stims are meant to time this trigger shot just right. Usually, the hCG injection is given when four or more follicles have grown to be 18 to 20mm in size and your estradiol levels are greater than 2,000pg/ML. Brand names for this include Ovidrel, Novarel and Pregnyl.

Doxycycline (oral) - prescribed to each partner during an IVF cycle, to control bacteria that may affect implantation in the female and sperm quality in the male. This ensures that uterus is free of bacteria before embryo transfer. In most cases your partner will start this on your CD3, taking it twice a day for a minimum of five days prior to partner’s retrieval, and you will start it the night of your retrieval.

Medrol (oral) - a light steroid that is used to prevent 'inflammation' of the uterine lining that can cause it to reject the embryo. Usually, one pill daily beginning the day of retrieval and ending the day of, or after, embryo transfer.

Progesterone (intramuscular inj) - these are the big boys!! Administered to support the uterine lining during early pregnancy. Used daily starting the day of IVF retrieval and continuing until the pregnancy test, and an additional four to six weeks if the pregnancy test is positive. I use the Progestero.ne in Ethyl Oleate which is a much thinner consistency. Because of this, you can use a smaller gauge needle, which in turn, makes it that much easier to administer. Do yourself (and your hiney!) a favor and ask your Dr. for this one!!!

So, that about sums it up!

Plugging along...

2009-06-23T08:20:00.021-04:00

So, I've got a bit to catch you guys up on...I went for CD3 b/w on Friday morning and started meds that night. Meds meaning 20iu's Lupron in the morning, 20iu's Lupron, 450iu's Follistim and 15iu's low-dose hCG all in the evening. WHOA!! This was all in addition to the Estrace I was taking twice a day, which I was able to stop yesterday. YAY!! Dr. Wonderful has us on a very different protocol this time around in the hopes that we'll be able to produce a few more, good quality eggs, and it looks like that might be working!

Bloodwork and ultrasound yesterday morning showed SEVEN follies on my lazy, right ovary (go righty!!) and FOUR beauties on the left, all <10 of course, but with IVF #1 we only had a total of seven at retrieval, so I'm feeling like we're already ahead of the game!!! I am praying with all that I have that they're good quality eggs, and at this point in time I'm feeling very positive! Much different from how I was feeling the first time around. More b/w and another u/s tomorrow morning will give us a better idea of where we're at, and hopefully a possible retrieval date...GAHHH!!!

I'm also making my first, official visit to an acupuncture specialist tomorrow after work. This doctor was referred to me by our PCP, whose wife used her during their second successful IVF cycle. I found an interesting article here, and I'm curious to see how she'll be able to help me through this cycle. Hopefully, she'll at least be able to relieve some of the stress and anxiety that goes hand in hand with IVF.

The Climb...

2009-06-19T18:25:00.000-04:00

In addition to just loving Miley Cyrus and thinking that she's completely adorable, this song just says it all! It literally gives me the chills every time I hear it, and the lyrics seem like they were written just for me...I hope it inspires you as much as it does me because, really when we come down to it, it IS all about the climb!

I can almost see it,
That dream I'm dreamin'
But there's a voice inside my head sayin'
You'll never reach it...

Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction,
My faith is shaking...

But I, I gotta keep tryin',
Gotta keep my head held high...
There's always gonna be another mountain,
I'm always gonna wanna make it move,
Always gonna be an up-hill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side...
It's the climb!

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but,
No, I'm not breaking...
I may not know it,
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep goin'...

And, I, I got to be strong,
Just keep pushing on...
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain,
I'm always gonna wanna make it move,
Always gonna be an up-hill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose...
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side...
It's the climb!

Yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain,
I'm always gonna wanna make it move,
Always gonna be an up-hill battle,
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose...
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side...
It's the climb!

Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep the faith, baby!
It's all about...
It's all about...
The climb!
Keep the faith, keep your faith, woah!

And so it begins...

2009-06-17T10:52:00.011-04:00

...IVF "Take 2" that is! Well, today marks CD1 and the official start of our second IVF cycle! What can I say...I'M TERRIFED!! Actually, I'm terrified and excited at the same time (if that's really possible?). Physically, I feel so much more relaxed this time around, and I'm chalking that up to the fact that we've already been through it once. I know what to expect...from raging hormones, to mood swings, to giant needles and I'm okay with all of it. And even though the first time around didn't result in a positive outcome for us, I'm still waaay less stressed about the road ahead. However, my emotions seem to be seated in the front row of the rollercoaster, as I can go from feeling way, way up to feeling way, waaaaay down in a matter of 0.8 seconds flat! Honestly, I just don't want to be left behind...AGAIN! I want a guarantee this time around that IT WILL WORK! However, I know that's precisely the way it doesn't work, and it makes me sad. I also feel like a heel complaining about any of it because I know there are so many women out there who never even get to the point I'm at. So, I guess I just have to plug away, move forward and put my faith in God and myself.

I had a wonderful friend lend me her holy medals (Saint Ge.rard, Saint Jud.e and the Vi.rgin M.ary) that she wore during her own infertility treatments, so in addition to my daily novena's to Saint Th.erese, I feel pretty well covered. I've also had another dear friend offer to take me to St. Lu.cy's Chu.rch, which is home to the national shrine of Saint Gera.rd, to be blessed and receive a Saint Ger.ard handkerchief. If you don't know the story of this, take a look here. Anyway, I'll be going on on Friday for CD3 b/w and u/s, so I'll keep you all posted! Thank goodness we have some pretty busy weekends coming up, which will hopefully help make the time pass even faster...as always a big Thank You goes out to all you beautiful readers out there who continue to show me so much love and support! Without you guys, how would I have ever made it so far? So, THANKS! :)

The newest addition to our family...

2009-06-13T10:02:00.000-04:00

I know I'm a little behind, but I just couldn't resist...please welcome to the world my 2nd great nephew, Gavin Patrick!! He was born on May 31st, weighing in @ 9lbs, 1oz and 21 inches long! This little guy is such a snuggle bug, and we're all just over the moon in love with him!

Daddy, Riley & Gavin...

Relaxing in Punta Cana...

2009-06-12T09:12:00.029-04:00

Hello all my beautiful friends out there!! I'm working on an update for the beginning of our second IVF cycle, but thought a post showcasing our wonderful vacation in Punta Cana, DR was warranted!! We had such an amazing time, and came home relaxed, rested and with our batteries recharged! It's really amazing what a little time away from "things" can do for your mind, body and soul! And now we're ready to start our next journey, and feeling postive about tackling all the hurdles ahead...

US enjoying our last day...

My handsome Hubby...

A really cool shipwreck off the coast...

I'm baaaack!!!!

2009-05-29T10:15:00.004-04:00

And it feels GOOD!!! After a much needed break from everything, I'm refreshed, relaxed and recharged! I have SO MUCH to catch you all up on and new posts are in the works! In the mean time, I hope all you ladies out there are doing great...I've missed you guys!!!

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."(Romans 12:12).

Starting over...

2009-03-27T08:23:00.021-04:00

Wow, I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post. No, I haven't been in hiding, just trying to take the time necessary to grieve our failed IVF and try to re-focus. First though, before I even attempt to catch you all up on the last few weeks, I have to say thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I knew that I had made a few good blog buddies out there, but I was so humbled by the comments, prayers and words of strength you ladies gave me. To know that so many of you lovely women took the time out of your day to comfort a "stranger" really touched my heart...in more ways than you'll ever know, and for that I owe my deepest gratitude's. We are all such strong women, and to know that I have the support of so many of you is and honor and quite an awesome feeling. I have so been blessed...thanks!

Whew, now that that's out of the way let's get down to business. I'm not going to linger on our failed IVF. I did that in my last post and I won't repeat it. What's past is past and there's nothing we can do to change that. The only thing we can do is keep moving forward. What I will say though, is that everything leading up to that negative beta (for me anyway) was small in comparison to what I felt when they confirmed it didn't work. Saying that I was devastated doesn't even seem to cut it. It literally felt like I had lost a loved one, which in reality I guess we did. I had so many different emotions running through me. Everything from anger to depression to failure. I raised an angry fist to God and screamed why me? Why us? I questioned everything we did and didn't do, hoping to find something, anything that I could blame it all on. Hubby took the news differently though. Yes, he was upset and sad, but somehow he was able to put a positive spin on all the negative. Positive? What's positive about this, I asked myself? But once I really sat down and listened to what he had to say, and the things he was feeling, I got it! And now that a few weeks have passed and I've had time to clear my head, I know that it's not anyone's fault. It was just the luck of the draw. We had just as much of a chance at making this work as anyone else, and who am I to question what God has planned for me? For us? I'm just a very small grain of sand on a big beach. So what I will do, what we will do, is get up, dust ourselves off and try this again. Because I know in my heart that someday, no matter the road we take to get there, we WILL have a baby! We WILL have a family! We WILL be a success story!

And, speaking of beaches, Hubby went and booked an anniversary trip for us to the Do.mini.can Repu.blic!! We're going to Pu.nta Ca.na in May!!! Nothing but sun, sand, drinks on the beach, feet dipped in the surf and time for us to focus on US!! I can't think of a better way to recharge our batteries in anticipation of our second IVF cycle! Yes, we will be doing this again. We had our follow-up with Dr. D yesterday and decided that we'll get back on the horse at the end of May, early June, depending on when my cycle starts. We went over everything from the last cycle and it really wasn't as bad as we thought. I responded great to the meds, my lining was good, ovaries produced the average amount of eggs for a woman my age and the embryo quality on the two they put back in were Grade 1. He said that just because the were only four cells on day three didn't mean they couldn't catch up once they were put back into the uterus. That is, after all, the most natural place for them to be.

So, all in all I do feel much better about everything. We'll be making a fresh start with cleared heads. I know that the second time around will be much different. I'll be able to let go of alot of the stress of the unknown's I had with the first cycle since we've already done it. I won't be stressing about bloodwork and needles and PIO shots. Instead I'll be praying to God for strength and guidance. We won't be walking down the path alone, and I'll know that when it does start to feel like too much, when I do start to stress, when the load just feels too damn heavy for me to carry myself, I can give it all up to Him and He'll carry it for me. And what a wonderful feeling that is!

So, with that I'll end and just tell you all that even though I haven't been posting, I still have been following you all on your own journeys. I've celebrated successes and mourned a few heartbreaking losses. I've prayed for all of you and will continue to do so. After all, we've got each other and I can't think of anyone I'd rather having standing along side me than you!

Feeling lost...

2009-03-05T08:04:00.010-05:00

I've been on this road for over two years. It's the most stressful thing I've ever dealt with. The insecurities are bleeding into EVERY part of my life. I feel like I'm losing myself piece by piece, day by day. I feel left behind as everyone around me has started and some already completed their families. I feel broken and defective. I can't find the strength that I've relied on for so many other low points in my life.

I am just tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of hoping. Tired of that terrible high school feeling of being "dumped" every month when AF rears her ugly head. I was more hopeful than usual this month. I mean, we're doing IVF, why wouldn't I? You'd think I would have learned better by now. I wanted to believe. I can't anymore. Why me? Why all of us? Why does every friggin' month has to be so hurtful? Painful. Debilitatingly sad. Why hurt my husband, a loving and kind man who ADORES children, more than any man I've ever seen? He is so good and kind and God has given him a wife who cannot DO THIS! He cries with me at every period. And he tries to peel me off the floor every time and tells me he just KNOWS it's going to happen. When I know it will never. Not without majorly expensive medical miracles. We're not rich by any stretch of the word. This nightmare has made me into a jealous and not-nice-to-be-around person. I used to love to be around my friends and their babies/families. Now, I don't even talk to half of them anymore because..........because I'm THIS WAY now! I can't even bear to read the blogs of my fellow infertiles who have succeeded. I'm miserable and disgusted with myslef for feeling like this. Even when I'm "happy", it's fake. I live in Limbo. I don't even feel like me anymore.

I do believe in God, however, my faith has been rocked. There is no way to say it hasn't. We see so much gloom and doom in what people can do to their own children and we sit here trying and praying desperately for a baby to love and take care of. I cannot pray any more. I have found that when I try to pray I just stop. I ask the Holy Spirit to intercede for me as I am unable to. I hope that God can understand and help me get past these feelings of failure and loss.

Infertility has been the worst experience of my life. I'm not even sure it's worth everything I've been through at this point. I want a baby, but I miss the woman I used to be. I just don't know how to become her again. Being a parent and having a family was always a part of the picture for us. We were going to be parents. That's part of how I understood myself and my husband. And now, it may not happen. I'm a wife but I'm not a mother. So who am I now, and who is my husband, and are we really a family--can we be, without kids?

Negative...

2009-02-28T18:08:00.000-05:00

How can a heart that feels so broken still be beating??

6dp3dt

2009-02-24T11:00:00.006-05:00

Even though I have no hope that this cycle will result in a positive pregnancy test, I though this was kind of neat. Pregnancy test is scheduled for Saturday (CD26, 13DPO, 10dp3dt)...if I make it that far.

3-DAY TRANSFER:

1dpt...embryo is growing and developing.
2dpt...embryo is now a blastocyst.
3dpt....blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day.
4dpt...blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining.
5dpt...implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining.
6dpt...implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining.
7dpt...morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells.
8dpt...placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood.
9dpt...more HCG is produced as fetus develops.
10dpt...more HCG is produced as fetus develops.
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT.

I need to remember this...

2009-02-20T11:55:00.003-05:00

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other..." (Ecclesiastes 7:14).

Untitled

2009-02-19T07:53:00.027-05:00

I couldn't think of an adequate enough title for this post. I'm over-tired from tossing and turning last night and I'm pretty much at a loss for words right now, so you'll have to forgive me.

So, an update...yesterday's transfer went fine. We got there and they had me start drinking and then took me back for the laser acupuncture. This we will definitely not get roped into doing again. It seemed to both of us that it was just another way for the place to make money. It didn't make me feel anymore relaxed and I got off the table feeling like I just got scammed for $200! After that it was back to the recovery room where we both changed and waited. There was an extremely annoying woman in the bed next to us, and honest to God, if I could have reached over and smacked her I would have! She was constantly yapping on her cell phone and then proceeded to argue with the Dr. about the number of embryos he recommended they put in. She wanted three, 2 that were Grade A and one that was Grade C, and he suggested just two. She then proceeded to tell him that she already had a son, he was an only child and didn't he understand how much that sucked. I kid you not, these were her exact words! Anyway, the Dr. won and they put in two, however she was still arguing with him on her way out the door! I swear, sometimes I just can't wrap my brain around how ungrateful some people are!

Anyway, back to our embies. The prognosis doesn't look great. Out of our four embies, two arrested between day 2 and 3, so when we got there yesterday we only had two left. And these two are just eh. Here they are...

By day 3, your embryos should be between 6-8 cells, and ours were only four. :::sigh::: The Dr. who did the transfer was so nice, but gave us about a 50% chance of success. I swear I heard him say 30%, but Hubby swears he said 50%. Could be Hubs is just trying to keep my hopes up. I go back for bloodwork to check my levels on Sunday, and then am scheduled for a pregnancy test on 2/28. So, there you have it. I am so sad. I feel defeated already and I haven't even finished the race yet. The "why me's" and "what ifs" are killing me today and I don't know what to do. I know that there's still a chance that the embryo's will catch up, but what if they don't? What if we just went through all this and we come out yet again with nothing to show for it? I'm so tired of being a statistic. I'm also having such a hard time giving this up to God. I know that He has a plan for us, I know that He will take care of us, but I'm feeling so resentful right now and I hate it. It took me long enough to get my head around moving onto IVF and, and well, I'm just sad today. I guess I just need a little reassurance and a lot of prayer...

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!

2009-02-18T12:45:00.007-05:00

Got the call this morning and today's THE day!!! I don't have much time to write, but I'm scheduled for laser acupuncture (yeah, how cool is that?) at 1:15 with the transfer immediately following! AAAAGGGGGHHHH!! The big day is finally here! I'm praying that all our hard work will pay off, and that God keeps our embies safe and sound! I'll try to update later with a pic of the embies, but in the mean time, prayers would be most welcome!!!!!

And it's lucky number....

2009-02-16T10:31:00.005-05:00

FOUR!!! Out of our seven beauties, five were ICSI'd and we are now the proud parents of four beautiful embryos! Wow! I start the PIO shots tonight :::shudder:::, and as long as everything goes smoothly, they're looking at a 3 day transfer, which would be Wednesday! Holy crap!

Just wanted to thank all you lovelies out there for your thoughts, good wishes and prayers! Keep 'em coming!!

Today's the day!!!

2009-02-15T07:28:00.014-05:00

******UPDATE!******

Everything went off without a hitch! I was terrified for nothing, and let me tell you, that anesthesia was some goooood stuff! LOL!! Hubby said I came out talking about margaritas?? Haha!! More importantly, they retrieved SEVEN beautiful eggs!! We'll find out tomorrow how many fertilized, so please send up a few more prayers if can!

Yep, we're going in this morning at 8:30 for our 10:00 retrieval!!! I'm so excited, and yet terrified at the same time! We triggered on Friday night and two Ovid.rel's later we're finally ready! I can't believe the day is finally here. It's been such a long, hard road and I'm praying with everything I have that today produces our miracle and all that hard work finally pays off! I don't have much time for a long post right now, but if you could please send up some prayers and good wishes for us today, we would greatly appreciate it! Updates to follow, I promise!!

Can you spare a prayer?

2009-02-12T08:25:00.009-05:00

My good friend and her husband are facing a tough road the next few days. They had their FET on 2/1 and a BFP on 2/8, however T's hCG levels just aren't doubling the way they should be and they fear that she's losing their baby(s). Please lift them up in prayer today. We're praying that their two little embies are snuggling in there for the long haul, however it looks bleak. I know they'll need their strength the get through the next few days. Hopefully, actually I know, that by giving it over to God, they will find the peace they need. Thanks!

"When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one as well as the other..."
(Ecclesiastes 7:14).

Slow and steady...

2009-02-11T11:44:00.007-05:00

wins the race, right? I sure hope so, because I've just about had enough of these daily/nightly sticks! I had more bloodwork and another ultrasound yesterday morning and every thing's progressing nicely. I only had two nice sized follies on the right ovary and I think there were four in the running on the left. I guess I just expected alot more, especially since I'm on such a high dose of the Foll.istim, but Dr. Wonderful assured me that all looked perfect. But honestly, don't these numbers seem low? We've upped the Foll.istim to 300iu's @ night and have added Ganir.elix into the mix now, so I'm now administering four shots a day. I am pretty proud of myself though, considering I am terrified of needles. We'll see if that courage lasts once we start the PIO shots...:::shudder:::! More bloodwork and another ultrasound tomorrow morning, and then hopefully they can give me a firmer timeline for retrieval. We'll see...

In other household news, Hubby is home putting in our new windows today!! Pretty exciting, especially since I'm convinced that the old one's are the original to the house (which is over 40 yrs old!) and if you stand in front of them you're sure to feel a nice breeze. He said he took before and afters, so maybe I'll post some later. We've done so much work to the house over the past year and a half, and it's really cool to see the transformations! Hmmm, maybe a little picture tour is in order?

And last and most important, my beautiful friend Nine over here welcomed her Peanut into the world yesterday!! Please take a minute to stop by and congratulate the new parents!!!

It's February already?

2009-02-09T08:38:00.030-05:00

Settle in, cause this is a long one! I honestly can't believe how fast January passed us by, and as I sit at my desk this morning going over our IVF calendar, yes, I have a medication calendar and I'm slightly OCD, I can't believe that we're already into the second week of February! I don't know where the time slips away to?

Anywho, as usual I'm a slacker in the blog department. Only this time I really couldn't help it, honest! I wound up getting sick last week and was down in bed for four days! I'm not talking about a little sniffle and a sore throat, no way. I'm talking about raging headache, aches and pains, runny nose, watery eyes, sneezing, chills, hacking cough...you get the point. Hubby swears that I picked up something from the gym last Monday night, but honestly with everything that's been going around and the constant fluctuating temps here on the East coast, it's no wonder. I was able to get into the Dr. on Wednesday and get some meds, which he assured me would have no impact on our upcoming cycle. However, when I was still not feeling any better by Saturday, and upon looking at my bottle of medication, realized that I was supposed to be taking one pill, twice a day, rather than the one a day I had been taking. So, after correcting that little oops, I finally started to feel better yesterday. And now back to work...

On the more important IVF front, we're moving right along. I had my CD3 b/w and u/s on Thursday and started stims that night, along with Hubby starting the Doxycyc.line twice a day. For my new bloggie friend Ashley (Hi & welcome!!) who asked what the Doxy is for, it's given to the male partner during the wife’s stimulation cycle to further reduce the low levels of bacteria that may be found in the semen and which may compromise the performance of the sperm during an IVF cycle. It is also given to the female partner to reduce the risk of inferior following aspiration of the follicles at the time of egg retrieval. Whew, hope that answers your question. Oh, and I made the mistake of pumping 450iu's of Foll.istim into the belly all at once on the first night and have been paying for it since. The spot is so tender it's ridiculous! What was I thinking? Right now we're doing 450iu's of Foll.istim, 225 in the am and 225 in the pm, along with 15iu's of low dose HC.G. I seriously feel like a human pin cushion, and I'm telling you those HC.G shots burn something awful! A few minutes with the ice pack aftwerwards works wonders! I had more b/w and another u/s yesterday morning and everything looks good, estrogen was at 201 so we're moving right along. I have another one tomorrow morning and then we'll see...I'm thinking a possible retrieval this weekend? Oh, and my stinking nurse won't prescribe any EML.A cream for me, so anyone who might have some extra laying around, I sure would appreciate it over here when the time comes for thos PIO shots!

And lastly, congratulations are in order for two very special blogger buddies of mine who have recently gotten their coveted BFP's, Larissa and Jenn!! I'm so unbelievably happy for you both and can't wait to follow your journey to motherhood!

Could I be that lucky?

2009-01-30T09:58:00.008-05:00

Okay, so I must admit that I G.oogle everything...yes, I'm addicted. I can't help it! I'm just always so amazed at what you can find out there in cyberspace.

Anywho, I just G.oogled Progestero.ne in Eth.yl O.leate and found out that it's apparently the easiest proges.terone supplement out there to use, and that I can use a 25g needle to administer instead of the 22g. Sooo, I just left a message with our RN to see if she can call our pharmacy to change the order. I'm also going to ask her about EML.A Cream, which is a topical anesthetic I can use to numb the injection site beforehand. Has anyone had any experience with either one of these? I'm ready, willing and able to do anything I can to lessen the fear (and pain) I'm having over getting these darn shots!!

We're on our way!!

2009-01-30T08:40:00.022-05:00

Well, I just ordered my meds for our IVF cycle! Here's the run-down of what we're getting...

For Me:
Medrol 16mg
Doxycycline 100mg
Ovidrel 250mcg
Follistim AQ 900iu
Low Dose hCG 10iu/0.15mls
Ganirelix 250 mcg/0.5ml
Progesterone in Ethyl Oleate 50 mg/ml
.5cc Insulin syringes x 10
22g 1" 3cc syringe & needle x 20

For Hubby:
Doxycycline 100mg

Hmmm, seems a little one-sided, doesn't it?

I was actually able to lessen some of the amounts that they had on my original script because my friend gave me all of her leftover meds from her last IVF cycle...so, so generous! And it just happened to be the most expensive stuff, the Follistim, that's $150 a pop, with insurance!! I honestly feel for those out there that don't have insurance coverage, and I get down on my knees and thank God that we do! And on an even better note, I was able to down-grade the 22g needles that I'll be using for the PIO shots. Instead of the 1.5", the nurse said she'd change it to the 1"! I know, I know, it's only a half an inch, but that's half an inch that I won't have to stick in my bum and that makes all the difference to someone who's absolutley terrified of needles!! The BD fines on the Follistim, Ovidrel, hCG and Ganirelix are nothing compared to these suckers! Thank you God for giving me the strength to do this!

Lastly, I've also been tagged a few times by you lovelies, and have lots of other catching up to do, but it will have to wait. I promise a real update this weekend!

Love you guys!

This should keep us all thinking...

2009-01-29T14:51:00.002-05:00

Tears and hope...

2009-01-27T08:27:00.004-05:00

I know I owe you all a "real" post, but work has been literally kicking my butt the past two weeks, and my whole family (and all our friends) have managed to get that nasty stomach bug that's going around. BLECH!!!

Anyway, I came across this video this past weekend and knew it was one I had to share! If you've got a few spare moments to watch, it's totally worth it! I'm praying with everything I have that for many of us, our arms won't be empty too much longer...

Tears and Hope Video

Answered email...

2009-01-13T12:31:00.005-05:00

First, thanks for all the prayers, thoughts and hugs from my post yesterday. You ladies are the best, and definitely help me keep my sanity while navigating the IF road!

So my RN has finally gotten around to answering the email I sent her yesterday morning explaining about the delay in getting my period. I go in tomorrow morning for a cycle-status check, which means bloodwork and an ultrasound. The bloodwork is to check hormone levels (to see where I'm at in my cycle) and the ultrasound is to check for any active cysts (producing hormone) that may be delaying the cycle (or corpus luteum that would show I've already ovulated). If my cycle is being delayed by a cyst, then they'll give me a shot of Ovidrel and my period should show up within two weeks. If it shows I've already ovulated then we wait. I'm really, really praying that it's not delayed due to a cyst. There were a few small ones spotted during my last cycle, so I'm praying that they haven't grown. But either way, it's out of my hands. He is in control and will carry me through whatever it turns out to be...

Is there anyone out there who's dealt with a similar situation?

Confusion sets in...

2009-01-12T11:58:00.003-05:00

Not only am I wondering how on earth it can already be Monday again, I am wondering just when my period is going to decide to show up this month. I'm usually a solid 28 dayer, but now that it's CD32, I'm really scratching my head. I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning (knowing full well that I'm not pregnant) and am just waiting to hear back from our nurse to see what our next steps should be. When A & I had our follow-up with the Dr. last week, he said that if I hadn't started by Monday to let them know. I'm guessing they'll probably want me to come in for b/w and possibly prescribe Pro.metruim to get things moving. Why it is that the minute we decide to move onto the next step, the crazy redhead decides not to show up? It's just beyond frustrating!!

Looking for a little more inspiration?

2009-01-08T12:36:00.008-05:00

I'm in awe of this man...her even quotes my favorite verse from Jeremiah. If you can devote a few minutes to watch him at work, please do (sorry about the subtitles).

"Circumstances do not have to change for you to become victorious, it's our heart that needs to be filled with the Holy Spirit."
~Nick Vujicic~.

The strength to get back up...

2009-01-08T11:37:00.021-05:00

I received an email from a very dear friend of mine this morning. Shannon (in yellow below) and I have been friends for over four years. We met through another couple and our "crew" became thick as thieves.

I've watched all these ladies get married, struggle through miscarriages, struggle with getting pregnant and celebrate the birth of each of their beautiful children. It's been an awesome experience and one I'm most humbled to be a part of. Shannon and her husband are now expecting their second child in July, and A and I truly couldn't be happier for them.

Anyway, back to my reason for posting...she sent me this email and as I was watching it through tears at my desk, I just knew I had to share it. What a connection it has to my first post of 2009! I really can't put into words what watching it does for me, but I'm hoping it does the same for you all out there who are struggling to navigate your own bumpy roads....take a look...

Welcoming 2009 & letting hope in...

2009-01-07T12:11:00.011-05:00

Welcome 2009! Really, I can't believe that the whole hubbub of the holiday season is over. Weren't we (me!) just all complaining about how hot it was, and going on and on about looking forward to cooler temps, and dare I say it....snow? Wasn't it just Halloween? It seems like time passes by so fast, and before we know it, we'll be welcoming Spring.

I can honestly say that I was more than happy to usher out 2008 and welcome in the new year! Even with all the heartache and disappointments of last year, there is a part of me that still holds out hope for so many things in 2009. And not just baby hope, but hope that God will continue to watch over my family, will continue to strengthen my marriage...hope that He'll continue to lead me down the path He has planned for me. In order for that hope to be my driving force, it's important for me to let the past be exactly what it is, the past. After all, I can't change what's happened, I can only learn from it and move on. But still, it's hard. The past creeps in when we're feeling vulnerable, it makes us second guess ourselves and our decisions. It's like the elephant in the corner, but I'm breaking free! Starting fresh! I can't promise that it will always be puppy dogs and rainbows. After all, that's not reality. But I can promise that I'll try. And with God by my side, how could I do anything but succeed?

Here's hoping that 2009 brings nothing but health and happiness to us all!

Happy Birthday Dad!

2008-12-24T08:32:00.010-05:00

Today is my Dad's 75th birthday, and even though physically he's no longer with us, I can feel him all around me today. I figured I'd post part of the eulogy I gave at my dad's memorial service just to give you all an idea of what a great Father he was...we wish you were here to blow out the candles today.

A jingling pocket,
A whiskery kiss.
And hundreds of answers
to “Daddy, what’s this?”
A spot on his lap
for his sweet little miss.
A buddy for life...
That’s my Dad.

A hand on my shoulder.
Some help with a class.
A heart-to-heart talk.
And money for gas.
In difficult times,
A “This, too, will pass.”
An anchor of strength...
That’s my Dad.

A door open wide.
A welcoming smile.
A cheerful embrace
and a “Please stay awhile.”
A love that has followed me
mile after mile.
The feeling of home...
That’s my Dad.

How do you come to terms with the loss of your beloved father? How do you find happiness again? How do you move forward despite your aching heart, emptiness and sadness? It's like I'm in the midst of a nightmare that doesn't disappear when I wake up. I desperately want to find peace within myself about my father's death. I want my faith to reassure me that my Dad is still with me in spirit. I think if I take this time to share the kind of man my Dad was, we might all feel like he is still very much alive.

So many words come to mind when I think of my Dad, but the few that stand out are strong, nurturing, funny, brave and honest...he was a person of devotion and integrity, a man who understood a hard day’s work.

I truly believe that my Dad’s greatest accomplishment in life was his family. My father poured vast amounts of love and energy into our family. He was a devoted husband to our Mom for over 50 years...50 YEARS!! They were partners in crime, and I can often remember sneaking downstairs and “catching” them snuggled up on the couch like two teenagers.

He was a nurturing Dad. He loved us with the passion and the devotion that encompassed his life. He taught us to believe in ourselves, to stand up for ourselves, to know ourselves and to accept responsibility for ourselves.

We knew we were the luckiest kids in the world. And we had done nothing to actually deserve it. It was instead something that we would have to spend the rest of our lives working very hard to live up to. He gave us a lot of tools. We were taught to take nothing for granted. He doted on us but didn't indulge. He had infinite patience with us. He encouraged us to push ourselves, to test limits, to challenge anyone and anything. There were certain basic principles that could never be compromised.

He taught us how to be loving, responsible adults but he also taught us how to have fun. He was a man of few words, but I can remember him taking my hand as a little girl and walking on the beach with me. I can remember when he taught me how to drive a stick because my Mom was too terrified to get in the car with me. I can remember seeking out my father in the sea of parents on my high school graduation day and seeing the pride in his eyes, and I can remember him whispering words of encouragement to me as he wiped my tears away on my wedding day.

He was a loving Pop-Pop and Great Poppy. His grandchildren and great-grandchildren completed him. My Dad just swelled with pride when someone asked him about them. He celebrated when you each took your first steps, lost your first tooth, and had your first day of Kindergarten. He was there for countless basketball, football and soccer games. Always there to cheer on his Grandkids. He was there answering life’s questions for you, and putting his arms around you when you needed a hug. I can remember the day of my Nana’s funeral. I can remember seeing my Dad’s heart breaking as he said good-bye and I can remember my niece’s and nephew’s taking to my Dad like a magnet. I know it was so hard for them to see him in so much pain, and they were returning the favor and comforting him as he had always done them.

He was a devoted Son and proud brother.

In January of 2007 my Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. There's no doubt that these past seventeen months, which have been excruciating for my father and for his family and friends, have been for a reason. To me, the Lord wanted to give us all a transition period from life with this wonderful man to life without him. It was a tough road...tough for him to experience, and tough for us to watch.

The fact that he fought so hard right until the end did not surprise anyone who knew him. Seemingly everyday there was something new staring him right in the face, and he stared right back. He didn't ever say, "Why me," or question and complain about the many tests he had to endure or the many medications he had to take. Instead he faced it head on...he knew this was his reality.

He bore the disease in dignity, but it also greatly saddened and frustrated him. He had always been an active man, who took full responsibility and dove into action whenever action was required. For him to have to give in and let others do the work that he wanted to do, merely because a horrible disease was ravaging his body was almost more than he could bear. Even on his death bed, when his family came to see him, on more than one occasion, he would struggle to wake up and "join the party" even though his body wouldn't let him do it.

So you see, the reason I love my Dad is because I am my father’s daughter. What I am is because of him and that is the greatest gift anyone can bestow upon another person, particularly their child. I hope that when my time comes, I am half as loved by my friends and family as he was by his. Because if that is how I am remembered, just like my father, mine will have been a life worth living. All of us here are suffering from the loss of my Dad, but the world will also now suffer from the loss of a great man who had much more to do on this earth. If I could see my Dad one more time, I would tell him that I love him, that I am so proud of the life he led, and I will keep him in my heart always.

So many rich memories
and words of advice.
Unwavering love
and immense sacrifice.
The great guy who makes it
so easy and nice
to point to with pride...
That’s my Dad.

That's what Christmas is all about...

2008-12-23T10:54:00.007-05:00

In "A Charlie Brown Christmas" Charlie Brown asks: "Isn't there anyone out there who can tell me what Christmas is all about?"

Linus steps up and says:

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the lord shone round about them, and they were so afraid. And the angel said unto them, fear not, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you this day is born in the City of David, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; you shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men'."

"That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

That's my favorite part of A Charlie Brown Christmas, when Linus quotes Luke, chapter two from the Bible. I hope you all have a wonderfully blessed Christmas filled with all your favorite things. In spite of everything else we're dealing with at the moment, I feel so blessed and am so thankful for all of you out there, who even while dealing with your own struggles, take the time out to hold me up.

I am not in control...

2008-12-21T13:39:00.010-05:00

Settle in because this is a long one...

No matter how much I'd like to think I am, the truth is that I'm not. In fact, not even my wonderful RE and nurse are in control. It's tough coming to grips with that. It's even harder letting go and putting all my trust in someone I've never even met yet...well, face to face anyway.

I'll get all the crappy news out of the way first. Our cycle was cancelled yesterday. Yes, my friends. My body just can't seem to do anything right. Well, that's what I kept telling myself on the drive home from the RE's office yesterday morning. I admit I was a sobbing, runny nosed, hiccuping mess. You know the kind of hiccups you get when you're crying so hard...yep, I had them. Through my tears I cursed my body and I cursed the doctor's who over-stimmed me. I raised an angry fist to the Heavens and screamed "why me"? I had a real pity party for myself. It was quite pathetic.

Here's the dirt, after responding beautifully for six days, and producing the most perfect follies I've ever seen (IMO anyway), the dummies over-stimmed me. I had a perfect, almost 18mm follie on Friday, and by the time yesterday morning arrived, I had two follies at 20mm and two at 19mm, along with two other's at 16mm. Way too many to proceed with the IUI's. In fact, the doctor looked at me and said that the main thing to do this month was NOT get pregnant...the risk of multiples was just too high and if I did by some miracle get pregnant, then "we'd" have to talk about selective reduction. Um, excuse me, but that would NEVER be an option for me. Anywho, after giving him a right piece of my mind and letting the tears flow, I just sat there stunned. The whole reason we're going there IS TO GET PREGNANT! I've become a human pin cushion, taken more drugs in the past two months than I have in the last ten years, had almost every day dates with the "magic wand", and now you're telling me that just because I've produced too many eggs that this month is a bust? Waiting another month, to them, is nothing. But to us "infertiles" who live our lives in two weeks increments, a month seems like a lifetime. So, I got dressed and got the heck out of there. The nurse called later, and I somehow missed her call. She left a message telling me that the doctor wanted to prescribe me Prometrium to bring on my period and that we could start a new cycle right away. And then it hit me....

Who's really in control here? Me? Them?

The answer is....neither. I prayed so hard yesterday. I prayed for guidance, answers, anything. I was scared, confused and felt so alone. I needed something, but what? So, I got myself ready and went to church. Now, I haven't been to church since Dad's memorial in August. And I haven't been to Mass in, oh geez, probably ten years. I got a very bitter taste in my mouth about the Catholic church after my divorce. Oh wait, you guys don't know about that. Yes, I was married before...long story short, I suffered through four and a half years of living hell with an emotionally abusive husband. Anyway, ever since then Church and me haven't been on the best of terms. I mean, I don't really need to go to Church to talk to God, right? I can do that in my own home, or in my car or wherever. So I went. I went looking for that something. And I found it...I found my peace and then I realized that God is in control. There are reasons for everything, and maybe, just maybe this was my something. So I let it all go and I'm letting God make the decisions. Yes, we're upset that this cycle to "them" was a bust, but to us it's not. I'm NOT taking the Prometrium and A and I are trying for our miracle the old-fashioned way this month. Any maybe, just maybe it will happen. But if it doesn't, I'm okay with that too. Because I've let it go and I'm letting God take the reins.

"'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
(Mark 9:23).

A letter from Jesus...

2008-12-19T09:16:00.009-05:00

I received the below in an email from my Aunt and it really hit home...I hope you all enjoy it, as it helps to remind us all what Christmas is really about.

Dear Children,

It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't actually born during this time of the year, and that it was some of your predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on what was actually a time of pagan festival. Although I do appreciate being remembered anytime.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own.. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Now, having said that, let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish: I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one, look up John 15:1-8.

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it:

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.

3. Instead of writing George complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up. It will be nice hearing from you again.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.

5. Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her .

6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.

7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families

8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary-- especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name.

9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.

10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions (rather than your words) that you are one of mine.

Don't forget; I am Jesus and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love and remember:

I LOVE YOU,
JESUS

At a loss for words...

2008-12-12T08:51:00.009-05:00

dis⋅ap⋅point⋅ed [dis-uh-poin-tid]
–adjective
1. depressed or discouraged by the failure of one's hopes or expectations; thwarted in hope, desire or expectation; let down.
2. Obsolete. inadequately appointed; ill-equipped.

AF arrived early this morning...four days early. :::sigh::: I didn't even make it to my beta draw on S.unday. And even though I had a gut feeling that the I.UI's didn't work, the disappointment and sadness I'm feeling today don't make it any easier. I know that it's beyond my control, but I still feel like such a failure...ill-equipped. My body, even paired up with all the advances of modern medicine, still can't give me what I want. I know, I know, God has a bigger plan for us, it's in His hands, I need to give it up to Him. All the sentiments I tell everyone else are echoing in my head. I know I need to do all these things and trust in Him, but for today, I'm just going to deal with my broken heart.

For all of my friends out there that are patiently waiting on their own miracle, please know that I'm praying for you.

Breathe in, breathe out...

2008-12-10T09:54:00.012-05:00

Yet again, I find myslef slacking in the world of blogging. I'm not sure why? Perhaps I could blame it on my crazy work schedule or the busyness of the upcoming holiday. Or the fact that it just never seems like there's enough hours in the day to get all the things done that I want or need to do. It seems like my life right now is similar to hair washing, lather, rinse, repeat. The truth is that I just really don't have much to say. No updates, nothing much to share....I'm (im)patiently waiting for S.unday to get here so that I can go have my bloodwork done and see if this cycle worked. I don't feel any different, except for the fact that I've had very sensitive/painful breasts this cycle, but I ususally get that before AF anyway. I struggle with conflicting emotions every day...feeling positive that the I.UI's worked one minute and then positive that they didn't the next. For some reason I really don't feel too optimistic that they did. I don't know, maybe it's just the holiday blues. I'm still saying my daily novena to St. Therese in the hopes that she sends me my shower of roses.

Sending out hugs and prayers for those of you that are expecting a Christmas miracle...I hope we all get what we're wishing for!

"Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed for the Lord thy God is with thee."
(Joshua 1:9).

Being thankful...

2008-11-26T09:26:00.001-05:00

Let's not forget, especially with Than.ksgiving only a day away, all that we have to be thankful for! So often we do forget what it's really all about. Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask you to give up any of your prized Than.ksgiving traditions. Go ahead and watch the parade and the games. Drive several hours to Grandma’s house and back. Eat way too much turkey. Take a long nap. Or whatever. These are all great and fun traditions...

But I am going to ask you not to forget the heart of Than.ksgiving. In fact, I want to encourage you to let Than.ksgiving be more than just a day. Why not take time this whole week to remember God’s blessings? If your Than.ksgiving Day is already full with family, then set aside some time on the day before or the day after to remember all that God has given, and to say “Thank you.” Better yet, do this for several minutes each day this week. If you do, not only will you be doing the right thing, since God deserves thanks for all he has done for you, but also you'll find that your celebration of Thanksgiving is richer and fuller than you have ever imagined it could be.

Expressing our heartfelt gratitude to God is one of life’s greatest joys. It’s a joy that many of us rarely experience, and it is the true heart of Than.ksgiving. So let me invite you – yes, urge you – to take time this week for real expression of gratitude to God. You’ll be glad you did!

I hope everyone has a blessed Than.ksgiving...we all have a lot to be thankful for!

"In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God." (Thessalonians 5:18).

Making progress...

2008-11-24T09:39:00.029-05:00

Yes, I've been the slacking blogger. Work has been kicking my butt the last week and a half, and with the upcoming holiday, I'm trying to tie up all my loose ends here so that I can start it early!!

Anyway, LOTS of updates...I got my meds last Tuesday, AF finally arrived on Wednesday and I had my CD3 blood work and ultrasound on Friday. I have to say that having an ultrasound on day three is NOT something I'd like to repeat anytime soon...blech! Our nurse called Friday afternoon with good results and I started my injections that night!! And remember how I was saying how terrified I was of the needles?

Yeah, it was nothing!! I have to be honest and say that I was totally hyperventilating prior to the "stick", but I didn't even feel it! It actually hurt worse taking off the little band-aid the next morning. So, now I'm a pro! Haha! I go in tomorrow morning for more b/w and another ultrasound (hopefully the little eggs are growing!!)and we'll go from there. I'm thinking we'll probably be doing the IUI's around the end of next week, although I guess it depends on how well the meds are working. Either way, I'm just thankful to God that we've been given this opportunity to try to become parents.

Butterflies...

2008-11-13T11:35:00.028-05:00

With our upcoming IUI literally just around the corner, I'm really starting to feel apprehensive. I really, really want CD1 to get here, and yet I'm just so darn terrified of giving myself those shots, of not having it work and ultimately having to move onto IV.F. Ahhh! I'm trying to find comfort where I can, and what better place to put all my fears, then in the hands of God? I know that there is a reason He has put the IF "speed bump" in our path...I call it that because I have faith that we will get over it. I know that the plans He has for our family are greater than I could ever imagine. I know He only gives the difficult paths to those He knows can travel them. I know HE is always in charge, as much as we'd like to think WE are!

I came across a few inspirations this week...

And I've started saying this prayer daily, along with my St. Therese novena...

I'm clinging to them like Linus clings to his security blanket. God is my security blanket, and as long as I trust in Him, all things are possible!

"Therefore, I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them."
(Mark 11:24)".

Cautiously optimistic...

2008-11-10T12:27:00.003-05:00

that is how I've found myself feeling since November started. We've been TTC for over 18 months now, infertility has become a huge part of our lives, and we're getting ready to take the first scientific step in trying to become pregnant. I'm scared out of my wits that this might actually happen, and praising God at the same time!! If it is God's will, because let's face it, it really is ALL up to him whether we become parents or not, we could be expecting a baby in August 2009...WOW!!! It just seems so surreal!

We got our IUI packet on Saturday that contained our cycle instructions, information for the on-line medication teaching for the injectables, a medication teaching booklet and consent forms which have to be either signed at our facility, or in front of a Notary Public. It's quite overwhelming and I'm more than nervous about the injections, but I'm going to sit down tonight with A and read through everything. I know if I/we have any questions or concerns, I can always call our nurse and she'll walk me through everything...she's awesome! I've also been saying my daily novena to St. T.herese...we can use all the help we can get!!

A Letter to My Sisters

2008-11-07T10:13:00.009-05:00

I read this post a while ago on Andrea's blog and thought it was fitting to share with my fellow IF sisters...

Infertility is like a party- a big, year or two long party that no one really wants to go to. In fact, it is a pretty lousy party, not much fun at all. But by the time you get the invitation, you are already there. Perhaps it is your doctor that gives you the invitation, or a specialist, or perhaps just plain old time that gives you the nudge that this is one party you won’t be missing.

So we all show up at this party kicking and screaming. But since this party is held in our honor, we wipe our tears and look around the room. We see our mothers, our aunts, our sisters, and the lady down the street. The check-out lady is there, and so is the attorney, the school principal, and the taxi driver’s wife. When we see them at first we are surprised- “I didn’t know you were invited too…” we say. But when we start to talk with them and learn their stories we know instantly we are sisters, and that their grief is our own, and that we aren’t quite so alone.

This party is filled with sisters. My mother and perhaps yours too, was at this party once. So were many friends of mine. I am always humbled by seeing how many sisters I have here. Even as sisters leave, new ones come to take their place. I spent a long, long time there before it was my turn to leave. You too will leave this party someday.

There are parting gifts at this party, but most of us are so glad to leave when our time is up that we just throw them in our purse and forget they are there. Then one day, while we are looking for something else, we dig out a little box. Oh yes, our gift. We were looking for what to say to a sick friend, or perhaps how to handle some adversity that came our way and we found this little box in the bottom of our bag. We open it slowly, and there inside we find it. Endurance. Strength. Compassion. We were strong, and once walked through the fire she has made us stronger still. We have endured what would have once broken our hearts, devastated us, and come through with a strength that will not easily be silenced. And compassion. Our hearts have grown and now we can, without judgment, embrace each other in ways we couldn’t before. We know the true meaning of kindness, and the value of compassion. We see humanity, for all it’s sadness and all it’s emptiness, and we can’t do anything but wrap our arms around her in a warm, full embrace. We understand each other’s sorrow, and we share our strength.

And so My Sister, stay strong. I understand how hard some days are, and I know how deeply you want this to end. Please know that it will, and that you do have the strength to endure this. You will. You will move forward because you desire this more than anything in your life. You will conceive, or you will adopt, or you will foster children. You will someday leave this place, this party in your honor, but you will remain a Sister forever.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."(Isaiah 41:10)".

Just a little pinch...

2008-11-03T12:38:00.005-05:00

Yep, that's what the Dr. said prior to her (TMI ahead) clamping my cervix, where I in turn almost leapt off the table! UGH!! To be honest, that was really the worst part of the whole procedure. I did have some pretty intense cramping as she was inserting the catheter and dye, but it only last for about a minute and the Dr. and the nurse were so awesome! Dr. R was super gentle, and she explained everything as she went along. The good news is that both my tubes are clear!!!! To say I'm relieved is an understatement, and I praised God right there on the table for answering my prayers!! The clamping, cramping and tiny bit of spotting afterwards was well worth the peace of mind this test has given us. Now we're just praying that A's third SA shows some improvement...oh yeah, and that we have a successful IUI this month! Sheesh, can it be that I'm actually feeling a little optimistic this month?!?!

He's here, he's here!!!!

2008-10-30T17:51:00.006-04:00

Baby Stellan arrived beautiful and healthy yesterday morning!!! What an awesome gift from an awesome God!!! Praise our heavenly Father above for healing Stellan...he truly does work miracles!! Check out MckMama's blog for the whole story and some amazing pics of Baby Stellan!!!

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him." (Psalm 28:7)".

When your hut's on fire...

2008-10-29T08:29:00.008-04:00

One of my very good friends sent this to me this morning in an email...it couldn't have come at a better time. Hopefully by sharing it, I'll help someone else know what to do when their hut is on fire.

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?" Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

You like me, you really do!!

2008-10-28T12:26:00.010-04:00

Nine over at Nine Months graciously bestowed upon me the "I {heart} Your Blog Award". I am truly honored...thanks so much!!

There are so many wonderful blogs out there and choosing only seven is so difficult. To those I have left out, I hope you understand.

The Rules:

1. The winner can put the logo on his/her blog
2. Link the person you received your award from
3. Nominate at least seven other blogs
4. Put links of those blogs on yours, and
5. Leave a message on the blogs that you've nominated

With that being said, I in turn, am handing out this award to the following ladies responsible for these amazing blogs:

I Wonder If They Will Have His Eyes.....
Love, Pain & The Whole Crazy Thing
My TTC Journey and More
Bill, Miss and Brood
...Into the Womb
I can't stop the rain...
Thoughts from the mind of MayDayGirl...

Thanks for being so supportive and such a comfort to others, even as you've walked your own difficult paths!

Results...and a punch in the stomach

2008-10-28T09:08:00.006-04:00

Yeah, well, our nurse from the RE's office called with the results of my CD3 b/w and hubby's repeat SA on Friday afternoon as I was getting my nails done...wonderful timing! All I can say is all is not well. Apparently my FSH level is 13, and A's morphology and motility were horrendous. The FSH level has me extremely concerned, being that I'm only 33. The nurse said that my Dr. was concerned as well, and will probably only attempt one IUI/injectables cycle and then move right to IVF. And we're both so confused about A's results...it was only a little over a month ago that he was tested and everything looked great. We're praying so hard that it was just a fluke, but needless to say we're both heartbroken. I know that we still have a chance of conceiving and having a successfull pregnancy, but we're just so sad. Why can't we just be "normal" like everyone else? Why does it have to be so hard for us, and so easy for others? A has to repeat his SA in two weeks, and I'm going to talk to our nurse about repeating the CD3 b/w my next cycle. I have my HSG scheduled for Friday, so hopefully that goes smoothly and there aren't any problems with my tubes. The "why me's?" are just eating me up though...and I'm terrified of having to possibly go the IVF route.

Then, the punch in the stomach came Sunday during dinner at my brother's...my niece is pregnant with her second, due in early June. Seriously, if I could have just melted into the floorboards and disappeared I would have. What made it even worse was that A was home sick, so I was there by myself. I was so tempted to call him to have him come and pick me up. I don't know why, but part of me felt so betrayed. What made me feel like an even bigger jerk was that I couldn't even bring myself to congratulate them. I am so very happy for them, but their great news just couldn't have come at a worse time. I'm really just having such a difficult time dealing with all this right now, and finding it very hard to stay positive and keep faith that God has bigger plans for us. I know in my heart that things could be alot worse, and that we should be thankful for only having these small problems, but it's consuming me. I'm praying so hard for strength, for positivity and for God to continue to watch over us. I pray that the medical world continues to make strides with IF, and I pray for all my fellow ladies out there who are dealing with some form of inferti.lity or a loss. I'm trying to remember that when the road seems toughest, we can lay our burdens on our Father and he will carry them for us.

Remembering...

2008-10-23T10:54:00.007-04:00

my Dad. Today marks two months since we lost my Dad. Of course, some days are better than others, but today is just such a sad day for me. I know that I'm not alone in my grief. My parents would have celebrated their 52nd wedding anniversary on Monday...52 years!! I can only wish that God allows me half of that with A. I just miss him so much today. The feelings kind of hit me out of nowhere as I looked at the calendar. Add that to the fact that I'm on hormone overload with AF, dreading my blood work tomorrow a.m. (I HATE needles!!) and am terrified of my impending HSG next week. I'm just a mess! Anyway, if you could send up some prayers for us today it would be greatly appreciated. I'm really trying to keep it together...

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted" (Matthew 5:4)".

Introducing....

2008-10-22T10:23:00.009-04:00

little Miss Skyler Quinn!!! I know, I know, I'm completely late in posting this as she made her grand entrance on October 3rd, but she is a little doll!! Congratulations to my beautiful niece Kasey & Ed, and thanks for making me a Great Auntie again!

We love you so much baby girl!!

The Secret is in the Sauce!!

2008-10-16T13:52:00.022-04:00

I recently stumbled upon an awesome blog created by Heather and Tiffany called "The Secret is in the Sauce". SITS (as it's affectionatley referred to) was created as a way for bloggers to get exposure and connect with other bloggers through comments, love and support. Please check them out and sign up to support your fellow SITStas!!!

Happy Thursday!!

Well, we've been diagnosed...

2008-10-10T13:51:00.009-04:00

I know, I know, our appt. was last Wedn.esday, but work has been literally kicking my butt!! Anyway, our "official" diagnosis as of right now is "Infertility of Unspecified Origin". Broken down that pretty much means that they have no idea why we haven't be able to conceive again. Our appt. was really enlightening though. We love our doctor and are extremely optimistic that they will be able to get us pregnant.

A has to repeat his SA because his WBC was a little high. They put him on antibiotics for ten days, after which he'll make another deposit and also get his blood work completed. All his other numbers were perfect, praise God! I also had my very first visit with the "wand". He did an ultrasound of my uterus and found some fibroids...nothing serious. Very small and also very common. I got to see that my ovaries had apparently been working overtime and I had a huge egg that was ready to burst! It was actually pretty cool!! At least my body is doing something right!! He showed me the catheter that they use for the IUI (so tiny!), and measured my cervix which was a little uncomfortable...just a little cramping when they inserted it, but nothing I can't handle. So, now I just have to schedule my CD3 b/w and schedule my HSG.

Soooo, once all that is completed we'll be gearing up for our first IUI!!! Because my Mom started showing symptoms of menopause at age 33 (yeah, crazy right!!), we'll be skipping the Clo.mid and going right to either G.onal F or Folli.stim, with an Ovi.drel trigger the day before the IUI. We'll also be doing a two day IUI to better our chances of conceiving. Then b/w @ 15dpiui and hopefully a BFP! Seriously, this is the first time in so long that I've felt so optimistic about getting pregnant! What a wonderful feeling! Hopefully it will last!!

"God will not permit any troubles to come upon us, unless He has a specific plan by which great blessings can come out of the difficulty.".

10.15.08 Take Action!!!

2008-10-02T10:20:00.007-04:00

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Take Action
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce it's incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.
GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."
GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

All's quiet...

2008-10-01T11:16:00.015-04:00

Not much to report on...finally got our paperwork sent back out to the RE last Friday (thanks Hubby!). They're supposed to call us to confirm everything, so hopefully I didn't miss filling anything in (although I'm sure I forgot to put in A's SSN# somewhere)...does anyone know why they even need that info (?), and I couldn't for the life of me remember my blood type and of course couldn't find my little card from when I last donated! Ugh! I'm honestly surprised that they neglected to ask me for my shoe size, since it seems like they asked for everything else!

Anyway, as I was fulfilling my daily addiction to P.eople.com, I found this oh so interesting article which really burned my biscuits to say the least...take a peek if you've got a minute to spare.

And lastly I just wanted to say thanks to those ladies who offered up prayers and kind words on my last post. As so many of you know, dealing with IF can really bring you down. Even though "we" all know we're not alone going through it, sometimes the reality of it all just eats us up and makes us feel like we're the only ones. Some days staying positive just isn't an option. You guys really made re-group and look at all the positive things that have come out of this journey so far, and I really appreciate that...thanks!

"May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully for what you have done." (Ruth 2:12).

I'd like some cheese with my whine...

2008-09-25T09:44:00.002-04:00

Well, we missed it. Our last chance to make a baby on our own. I feel like such a failure. What is wrong with my body? Why can't I just.get.pregnant?!?! We put our all into it every month and nothing.

I held off as long as I could filling out the paperwork for the RE consult we have on October 8th...it should have been sent in on Tuesday...I still haven't finished it. I really thought that maybe by some slim chance that this would have been our month. Who was I kidding? I guess I should be happy that we at least have some kind of plan in motion, but I could just cry. It's been 17 MONTHS...1 YEAR and 5 MONTHS!!! Life's certainly not fair and I'm just so done.

Forward movement...

2008-09-17T07:30:00.013-04:00

Well, A had his SA last Monday and we've gotten the results...although I really don't have any idea what they mean. Our PCP said that everything was normal, and when I G.oogled "normal SA results" I couldn't really understand those either when comparing them to A's. If there's someone out there who can shed some light on what these numbers mean, and if they really are "normal", please help!

Volume 2.0ML
Viscosity Normal
PH(Semen) 8.5
Progressive Motil 60%
Sperm Concentration 33.0
WBC 7 to 10
% Normal Morphology 25%
Specimen Temperature 22.0 Celsius

In other news, I also had my appt. with my new Ob/Gyn last Tuesday, and let me just say that I absolutely love her!! I had my annual, got refills for my PNV's and she referred us to an RE...yup, finally a plan is in motion! We have our initial consultation on 10/8. I got the packet of paperwork in the mail yesterday that needs to be filled out prior to our appt. and HOLY COW!! I think the only thing they didn't ask me was my shoe size! I am just so happy that A is on board with everything. It's actually quite amazing to think that if everything goes as planned, we just might be PG by the end of 2008! I'm keeping everything crossed and thanking God every day for taking our hands and leading us down this road. I know that with Him anything is possible!

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him."
(Psalms 28:6-7).

Remembering...7 years ago today

2008-09-11T14:39:00.003-04:00

I remember exactly where I was, what I was doing...even what I was wearing. I'm still finding it hard to believe that it's been SEVEN years already since our country was attacked on September 11, 2001.

Where does the time go?

I know so many of us are still grieving for loved one's lost in the attacks. It literally brings me to my knees when I think about all the innocent lives lost, and all those that were/have been/are being affected still by our nation's tragedy.

I will go down on bended knees tonight to pray for comfort for all those that are still grieving...to pray for our brave soldiers that are still fighting the fight over sea's. I have never been prouder to be an AMERICAN and I WILL NEVER FORGET!!!

Making some headway...

2008-09-03T14:12:00.004-04:00

on the TTC front. I know I said a few weeks ago that A was finally able to schedule his SA. Unfortunately, with all that was going on with Dad at the time and a few other unforeseen circumstances, we weren't able to keep the apt. Well, A was able to reschedule it for Monday morning!!!

If you can spare them, please send up some prayers for us that we get back good numbers. I am trying to stay positive that all is well. I have an apt. with my new ObGyn on Tuesday, so hopefully we can finally get this ball rolling!! After all, it's only been 16 MONTHS!!!

Back to reality

2008-09-02T11:51:00.006-04:00

Tuesday...only three days left. I can't believe it's already been a week and three days since Dad passed away.

Last week was a long, draining week and I'm so glad it's over. Saturday was Dad's memorial service, and everything went beautifully! The weather held out, the flowers were lovely, the bagpiper piped and my Mom received my Dad's American flag for his service in the Korean War. I, along with my brother, was actually able to get up and give a eulogy and there wasn't a dry eye in the church (including my own!). The re passe' afterwards was wonderful, and we were all so touched to see how many people were there for us. It was a wonderful tribute to my Dad! It was a long day but the hard work was well worth it...after all, it was for my Dad.

Now it's back to reality...and moving on. Not forgetting my Dad, but learning how to live life again. Mourning for a beautiful life lost, but celebrating Dad's homecoming with our Lord and the rest of our family. What a welcome I know he had, and what a comfort it is to my to know that I'll forever have my Dad watching out for me until we meet again.

I just want to thank all of our family and friends, both IRL and who read my blog for your prayers, support and kind words. It means so much to my family and myself to know that we have such a wonderful support system out there.

And a thank you to my Dad...for being such a wonderful man, for being my rock, for being my friend.

I love you Dad and always will!! Until we meet again...I'll be swinging those clubs for you! XOXO

We've lost a great man...

2008-08-24T22:53:00.010-04:00

my Dad. The man who dried my tears, picked me up when I was down, kissed my cheeks and taught me to be the person I am today. I can't get my head around it and don't have many words. I can't possibly convey to anyone what a great man my Dad was...it's impossible. He was a Son, a Brother, a Husband, a Dad, a Pop-Pop and a Great Poppy. He was devoted to his family, his God; a man that words fall short of describing. I was lucky enough to have been raised by the man and was blessed to have him in my life for thirty-three years, but it was still to short.

I know that God welcomed him with open arms. I know that he's not suffering anymore...there is no more pain. Life and death are such a double-edged sword. For my Dad, I just couldn't bear to say good-bye, and yet I knew in my heart that it was the only way for him to find peace. He is with our Heavenly father now, not confined to a bed any longer, but walking tall with a smile on his face. I know that someday my Dad will be there to welcome me and I can't wait to feel his arms around me again.

I don't know who's reading this blog...if any one's reading at all, but if you are and you feel so inclined to send up a thought or prayer for this wonderful man, I thank you and my family thanks you from the bottom of our hearts.

Rest in Peace Daddy...we miss you so much. You'll forever be in our hearts.

"God watched you as you suffered,
and knew you had your share.
He gently closed your weary eyes
and took you in his care.
Your memory is our keepsake,
with that we will never part.
God has you in his keeping,
we have you in our hearts.
Nothing could be more beautiful
than the memories we have of you.
To us you were someone special.
God must have thought so too.
All our lives we shall miss you,
as the years they come and go,
but in our hearts you will live forever.
Because we love you so.
God saw you were getting tired,
and a cure was not to be.
So he put his arms around you
and whispered "Come with me"
With tearful eyes we watched you
suffer and fade away.
Although we loved you dearly,
you were not meant to stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
hard- working hands to rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best!"

A picnic might help...

2008-08-23T07:57:00.007-04:00

Thank goodness the weekend is finally here! It's going to be a fairly busy one with my daily trips to see Dad and A's big 3-2 coming up! I bought tickets for us to go to the P.G.A Tour a while ago...the tournament is called T.he B.arclay's and since it's supposed to be a gorgeous day here in the J.ersey tomorrow, I know we'll have a great time!

So, along with that, I was thinking what else could we do for some fun today? You know, something a little different that doesn't cost tons of money? A's working a 1/2 day, coming home around lunch time, so what's better that an afternoon picnic? I figured we could pack up the backpack with some goodies and possibly a bottle of wine and get going! Out of the house and into the fresh air! So, that's what we'll be doing today. There are quite a few walking trails around here, so it's just a matter of figuring out where we want to go. I'm even going to take my camera along to hopefully get some good shots while we're out on our adventure!

Here's wishing you all a blessed weekend, and hoping that you all make the effort to spend some time with the one's you love...I know I will!

In times of need this always helps...

2008-08-20T11:37:00.007-04:00

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Doh!

2008-08-19T15:55:00.004-04:00

I almost forgot...some news on the TTC front...A was finally able to schedule his SA!! They were actually able to squeeze him in TODAY!! Very exciting, and my only bright light at the end of the tunnel right now. I'm keeping everything crossed that we get good results!!

Choking on reality...

2008-08-19T07:35:00.011-04:00

Wow, it's already been over a week since my last post; honestly, where does the time go? Lot's of stuff going on...Dad was put back into Hospice last Monday to have his medication re-evaluated. We ran into some speed bumps over the weekend, where it seemed the medicine was just not working for him the way it had been and his Hospice nurse decided that it would be best for him. He was there for 36 hours, in which time we scrambled to find a nursing home for him. We (my brother, sister & Mom) came to grips with the fact that even though we had the aide's 12 hours a day, it was just too much for us...emotionally and physically. The hardest thing we had to do was stand there and tell him that he wasn't able to come home. His only wish and we weren't able to fulfill it. I feel like a crappy daughter. I feel like I let him down.

Friday, his first day there was a nightmare, and it's just progressively gotten worse since then. He wound up pitching himself out of his wheelchair and taking a header on the floor. A few bumps and bruises, but when you're already dealing with Stage Five Parkinson's (and skin cancer), that's the last thing you need. I went to see him after work last night and almost lost my lunch. I just can't digest the fact that he's laying there, a shell of the man I grew up with. This is the man who used to flip me around with the greatest of ease, and now he can't even walk. I'm literally choking on the reality of it, and just don't know how much more I can take. I'm trying to stay strong and not question what our Lord has planned for my Dad, but it's so hard. It's hard to see a disease eating away at him and not be able to do anything about it. I can't help but question, why?? Why my Dad? He's a good man, a great Dad and Pop Pop, a God fearing man and this is the card he gets dealt? It's just not fair...and I'm really choking on that.

Prayers please if you can spare them...for both him and us.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

When did I become the parent?

2008-08-08T13:03:00.009-04:00

So, as most of you know my Dad came home from Hospice a week ago today to much celebrating...we, meaning my brother and sister, knew we had a very bumpy road ahead of us. However, I never thought it would actually be this hard!

A little background...when my Dad was put into the hospital mid-stroke, my Mom pretty much fell apart. I'm not talking about a little bit, I'm talking about a full on, I'm coming apart at the seams mental breakdown. She's pretty much reverted back to a child, and we've become the parents. We are basically doing EVERYTHING for her right now, from driving her places she needs to go, taking her food shopping, making her meals and making sure she eats and taking her to Dr.'s appointments, in addition to "trying" to care for my Dad when the nurses go home. Thank goodness we finally got her to the Dr. and got her on some medication to help her, but it certainly doesn't work overnight. In the meantime I now have two full-time jobs, my head is spinning and I'm left wondering when the role reversal happened?

Last night was my turn to stay with Dad, and let me just say that it was one of the worst nights so far. You see, from the first time my Dad said that he wanted to come home my Mom fought us tooth and nail. She didn't want him to come home because she just couldn't handle it. Even when we said that a nurse would be there 7 days a week, 12 hours a day, it was still a firm no. My brother finally put his foot down and had a talk with her. After that, she did finally oblige but she's still not happy about it. That's something I've been trying very hard to understand...what happened to "'til death do us part"? Anyway, my Mom decided that she couldn't handle my Dad during the night, so we've tried to put together a schedule between the three kids to cover the evenings. He was doing really great until about two days ago when he started to become extremely confused and almost belligerent (even with medication to supposedly "calm him down"!). Needless to say, I think I got about 40 minutes total of sleep, and I'm literally dragging today. Not only is it hard to see the physical toll this is taking on my Dad, but seeing him so confused with people and his surroundings is heartbreaking. It's so very sad to see him becoming a shell of the man I grew up with....he taught me how to ride a two-wheeler, wiped my tears, kissed boo-boo's, taught me how to drive a stick, celebrated so many of life's accomplishments with me and only a little more than a year ago walked me down the aisle. We know that he is beginning his journey home, and will someday be held safely in our Lord's hands, but really, that doesn't make it any easier on our hearts. Goodbye's are so hard to say.

Thursday Prayers....

2008-08-07T15:07:00.003-04:00

I've recently been introduced to a wonderful blog, and would like to pass it onto anyone who may be reading my own....http://www.mycharmingkids.net or you can link to it on my sidebar.

MckMama, Baby Stellan and their whole family have been facing some very tough times the past two weeks, times that no parents or unborn baby should EVER have to face! It is their faith in our Heavenly Father that will get them through this. Please, if you have a few minutes to check out her blog and send a prayer up for Baby Stellan, it would be much appreciated all around!

I hate Mondays

2008-08-04T07:19:00.006-04:00

All I have to say is what.a.weekend!! Dad came home on Friday afternoon and the really hard work began. We've enlisted the help of Home Health Aide's 7 days a week, 12 hours a day, so hopefully that will help. My brother and sister and I are trying to work out a schedule so that my Mom doesn't have to be alone with my Dad during the night, and Friday night was my shift. It was fairly uneventful, but will definitely take some getting used to! I didn't get much sleep because I was hearing every little noise in the house, so I was pretty cranky Saturday morning. The first aide came bright and early Saturday, and I'm truly amazed by them. I was a little skeptical that they would be able to give my Dad the same kind of care his family would, but the guy who came, Sam, was awesome! Sam will come two days a week, Jariss will come two days a week and Nancy will be there three days a week. Dad actually got outside in the fresh air BOTH days and he was very happy about that!! I've been praying so hard asking God for the strength I know we'll all need to get through this, but if you'd all keep us in your thoughts and prayers, it would be much appreciated!

Anyway, that was pretty much my whole weekend...we did wind up getting out for a few hours on Saturday afternoon to see my Godson in a children's parade...he's 2 and was a ladybug, so adorable!! He kept telling us he was a "bad ladybug" (I think his Dad put him up to that!), and Saturday night we went to my niece's house (his Mom) for dinner and a game of M.onoply, which I haven't played in a looong time!! It was fun and nice to get out for a bit. A wound up going golfing yesterday and I did the invitations for my niece's baby shower, which is the first Saturday in September. It will be a very busy month ahead, and A & I are hoping that we can get a few days vacation in there somewhere. A's brother is throwing a big party on August 16th, and our friend's have a shore house the week of the 18th, so we'll see. Also, A's birthday is the 25th, so busy, busy!!

Oh yeah, and AF arrived in full force on Saturday morning, so Cycle #15 here we come!!! A said he's going to call our family Dr. to see about getting an SA, so hopefully by the time I get to my new Ob/Gyn appt. I'll have more ammo to bring with me!! I've also told myself that it's time to get my butt back to the gym, so today's my first day...here's hoping I don't keel over!!

Chapter One...

2008-07-31T11:32:00.005-04:00

And our story begins...except, where do I actually start? I've been contemplating starting my own blog for quite some time now. Life seems to be passing us by so quickly, that I figured it would probably be a good idea to start writing down the "important" things that happen/are happening. Although when I'm reading other blogs, it seems like my "things" aren't that interesting or exciting...hence the apprehension at starting my own. I mean, who will even read it? If nothing it will be a way for me to get down some of my own thoughts, fears, etc. To clear out my own internal cobwebs, and hopefully meet some new people along the way.

Anyway, a little background...A & I have been happily married for over a year now. We just recently celebrated our First Anniversary on May 27th, and it's been quite a year, I'll tell ya! We are no longer "newlyweds"...sniff, sniff! We've already been through a lot in that year, the past two months being probably the hardest so far. Our number one priority right now is my Dad. My Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease about a year ago, and suffered a massive stroke over Memorial Day weekend (his second). This was the beginning of the end. While in the hospital, the Dr.'s found numerous tumors in his lungs. Rather than open him up and risk making it worse (he wouldn't survive chemo and radiation anyway), we chose to let him live his last days here on Earth in one piece. My Dad has been fighting aggressive skin cancer for the last 10 years or so, so they figure it has finally spread to other parts of his body. After that diagnosis, he was moved to Hospice and we really thought we were going to lose him, but he's a fighter and his stubborn Scottish blood would have none of that!! In just the past week, he's expressed his wish to come home and hopefully by Friday, he will be. He is basically bedridden and will have a nurse with him 8 hours a day, plus my Mom will be home with him as well, along with my brother who only lives 5 minutes away. Plus, my parents own a Mother/Daughter house, and A & I are upstairs, so that will help. We know we all have a tough road ahead of us, but we are family, and if we can count on each other than who can we count on? Hopefully, God will help to guide us through this and give us all the strength we need.

This is me with my parents on our wedding day...such a happy day!!